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Tom Johnson

Recently moved from San Fran
Enjoy hiking, riding motorcycles, playing the guitar and experiencing the area

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Yelena’s Journal

Validation From Being Open May 15, 2015 at 1:35 pm

I am realizing how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and put myself out there. One of my target goals is to be more open with my communication regardless of the response. Today I sent a text to Tom (we’ve been texting consistently and he’s been extremely open with me in communicating how he feels and that he is missing me, etc.). I was feeling really good in the moment and I wanted him to know so I said” I really appreciate how open and easy it’s been communicating with you while I am gone. I think it says a lot. Very much looking forward to seeing you when I get back. Enjoy the rest of your day”. And no response..I saw myself go the place of unease and anxiety and I began questioning and wishing I never sent that text. But then I realized – I want someone that I can be vulnerable around and feel safe doing it. And me sending that text is more about me putting myself out there and practicing that versus his response and validation. And all of these things  I am doing is helping me evaluate the kind of person he is for me and if this is someone that I want to pursue something more with. So I need to take some steps back and realize that I am still in that evaluation phase and whatever comes out of this experience, I am learning so much more about myself.

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Positive Things From Date May 15, 2015 at 7:37 am

Some positive things for me included:  meeting new and interesting people; going on day dates and just enjoying the process (like my movie date and my green lake walk date); learning how to be a really good listener and truly practicing the art of listening to what the person is saying; and just learning more about what I want and am looking for

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Date successes this year May 14, 2015 at 6:32 am

Since the new year – I feel like I have had some good successes with dates. Before this time, I was going on one date each and it was difficult for me to get or even want a second date with the guys I was meeting. Since January, I met two guys and with each one we went on 3-4 dates each. And now I am dating a new guy and we’ve done 7 dates. So I feel that I am attracting more of the type of guy that I am looking for.

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Fear of Getting Involved April 26, 2015 at 5:10 pm

In sitting and reflecting on my last date with Tom – I’m realizing the struggle I am in in trying to find the balance of enjoying the dating process while being okay with not knowing where it necessarily may lead to. So – I right now, don’t have any expectations for where my relationship with Tom will go. I feel like I am still figuring it out and getting to know him. But the fear that is creeping in – is the fear that what if I end up liking him and he leaves. And then I’ll be left with that familiar feeling of sadness, loneliness and starting over. I know this isn’t a good way to approach it and it something that I have to work through, but it is still looming for me.

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Inner Critic March 30, 2015 at 8:26 pm

My inner critic forces me to believe that I am not smart enough and that I don’t belong in my program. It tells me that everyone around me is smarter than me. My inner critic also tells me that it will be difficult for me to find love. It tells me that it can’t picture me in a loving relationship where I will be accepted for with all my strengths and weaknesses.

When my inner critic compares me to others it says “he/she is smarter than you” “he/she get it so much better than you” or “she has so much self-confidence and that’s why her relationship is working” or “she’s so lucky that she found the one” or even “why doesn’t she have to do any self-work, but yet she was still able to find the perfect partner?”

The impossible standards it sets for me to achieve are: I have to look a certain way, enjoy certain activities, and exude a certain type of confidence for men to like me or want to be with me.

It blames me for “feeling stupid and dumb and for basically having those feelings”. It blames me for not exerting myself with guys in the past. It blames me for being too shy and not confident enough to go after what I wanted”.

In ways does it track what’s wrong in your life: anytime I have a possible success in school, it reminds me that I probably fooled someone, or that I may not be deserving of that accomplishment or achievement.

It sabotages by telling me “you didn’t really earn that” “they’re just saying that to make you feel better”

It tells me that its going to be hard to find a long term lasting relationship and its going to be difficult to find someone that truly accepts me for me.

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Being Able to Express My Needs March 14, 2015 at 12:07 pm

I am realizing after completing step 1 that my inability to express my needs to a partner are not just my wants and desires, but it also my inability to at times express positive things, such as affection and love. I have always had a difficult time expressing my needs in bed and my positive feelings towards the person. I think this is really important for me to recognize and understand.

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Making connections in expressing emotions March 12, 2015 at 10:21 am

I am realizing from Step 1- that as a child I never felt truly comfortable expressing my emotions to my family – specifically emotions around if I was upset or sad. I think I felt that they wouldn’t understand or perhaps would be too judgmental around what I said. I see this pattern repeating in my relationships. The same discomfort I felt approaching my parents is similar in a way to the reservations I have in opening up to my partners. With my partners, it’s the vulnerability of myself that I am so afraid to reveal. And I think this is a pattern that carries into my friendships and my inability to tell my friends at times what I need or want- I share a similar fear that if I express my needs, I may lose the friendship or I may turn them off from myself.

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Step 1- A: Early patterns with your caregivers

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD mother’s Response:

I recall my mom’s first reaction being pretty dramatic and serious with a “What’s wrong?! What happened?!”. If I ever was crying and it wasn’t in regards to a fight I had with her or someone in my family, my mom was very quick to console and find out what was wrong. Based on what I said the situation was she would respond in a “don’t cry..you don’t need to cry about that. stop being so stupid (but in a gentle/funny way)”.She didn’t imply that I was being stupid, but I think it was her way to help me snap out of it. We never dissected the problem though or analyzed. I don’t recall being given strategies for how to problem solve these instances.

It is really hard though to recall these moments. Because as a kid, I don’t remember going to my mom for any of these things. I feel like I have gone to her more as an adult, but not when I was a kid. And it’s not like I wasn’t teased or picked on or had my feelings hurt by friends in some ways. I just can’t recall confiding in my mom about these things. Maybe I was afraid she would pass judgments on my friends? Or wouldn’t like them anymore? Or would see them differently? And I didn’t want that to happen? But I don’t remember having heart to hearts with her about these things. Which in retrospective, I wish I did. I don’t know why I was so shy, or reluctant? I think she could have provided me some really good wisdom, but for some reason I didn’t feel comfortable speaking to her.

In fact, the more I reflect on this, the more I can feel myself tensing up as a kid if I had to go to my mom with any of these problems. Maybe I didn’t think she would understand? Or maybe I didn’t think she could relate? Or maybe I just felt that she would be too judgmental or opinionated?

Side note: This is making thinking about how I react when people express emotion or are upset – I feel that sometimes my reactions can be sort of cold. I don’t think anyone would construe it that way, because on the outside I feel that I show all the signs of compassion and concern. But hugging someone to comfort them I am recalling does not always come easy for me. At times I almost feel unemotional for that person.

How it made me feeL:

My mom’s response – if I did come to her with this type of problem – would at times make me feel better or at times would just make me feel indifferent.

So one recent example comes to mind – is when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend David (and this was in 2009). I just couldn’t hold back my emotions and my mom was so mad at him for hurting me (or at least she thought he had hurt me) and I remember finding solace in her reaction. It felt like she was truly on my side (for one of the first times when it came to relationships) and it felt good. So even though she was super dramatic and upset – her response was like that because she was so hurt for me and so sad that I was so upset. So that reaction actually made me feel better in the moment. But of course, all I really wanted her to say was “it’s going to be okay, and you’ll meet someone else” – but that she didn’t say. It was more to “what a jerk; how could he waste your time like this?” And maybe that’s why I never truly went to her for help or advice with these personal type of problems -because I never felt that she could truly give me the advice that I needed.

mother’s Reaction

My mother’s reaction would be really upset or angry if I was badly hurt or sad. Her face would tense up and she would be super dramatic and expressive. I feel like she at times may have blown things out of proportion or just gotten so angry – that she would raise her voice. I almost recall from my brother’s experencies – that she may have made comments like “how could you let them take advantage of you? “they’re not good friends” “why would you let that happen?” For some reason, I’m slightly remembering her responding more to my brother than me. But in thinking about this – this doesn’t’ seem like it would have felt like a safe place to go if you are upset or sad. I think I probably needed just comfort and support and someone to say “it’s going to be okay”. And those words I don’t remember really hearing.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I think my reaction was to not really tell her. Or just try to calm her down when she got so dramatic.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. mother’s Response:

My mother’s response would usually be to raise her voice and at times yell to “stop”. If it had to do with my brother, she would lots of times say “your the older sister – you should be giving him a good example” or “stop fighting, you should be friends”. My mother was also pressing on the idea of how much she wanted us to be friends and to have a close relationship, because she didn’t have that type of relationship with her brothers.

How it made me feeL:

I don’t recall having positive responses from these reactions. I guess the positive reaction, is I would stop most likely.

mother and father’s Reaction

My mom’s reaction action was always super dramatic. I can picture one of us doing something or telling her something, and her facial expressions completely changing, and her immediate reaction would be to raise her voice and say something to the effect of “What’s wrong?!” or “What’s wrong with you?”” I don’t recall feeling calm reactions from her in moments of high stress.

My dad’s response was to complete yell and overreact. My dad, while a super passive and chill person, was never good at reacting in high tense situations. His natural reaction would have been to start screaming and telling us to stop. My family in general, were yellers and screamers when we were growing up.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

If I am recalling correctly, I think my reaction may have been to both parents, to start yelling back. We were definitely yellers in our family growing up (including my grandma). Intact, I remember in my teenage years, we would have family meetings and my mom would talk about the way we all react and all yell and how we need to work on changing that (and she would always include herself in those conversations). So it’s interesting, in that my mom knew that her reactions were not always appropriate- but in all honesty, even though we had those meetings, I don’t recall the behaviors changing that much.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mother and father’s Response:

Both my parents response was to comfort me. My dad would probably say something like “don’t be scared..it’s nothing” and would laugh afterwards (in a sweet way). My mom would also react with more of a similar response to the effect of “it’s fine,it’s just a movie”. I’m thinking my dad’s response was a bit more endearing or heartfelt.

How it made me feeL:

It made me feel better for sure. I would say I felt feelings such as “safeness and comfort”. I think it’s also good to point out that they didn’t ignore what I said or didn’t dismiss my feelings. They would always respond to what I was feeling.

mother and father’s Reaction

I really don’t recall any negative reactions to this type of scenario. I feel like they were generally positive. Intact, as I child I was actually really scared. I slept with a night light for many years; my parents told me when I was a baby I would scream if the TV was on (apparently I was scared of the TV) – but they always reacted and responded in comforting and supportive ways. I don’t recall them making me feel dumb or stupid for feeling these feelings of fear.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I reacted positively – based on what I said above.

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mother’s Response:

School and homework was never an issue for me. I was always really good about doing these things. My mom really never had to get on me in regards to school work.

Chores was something that I wasn’t as diligent about. I don’t recall positive responses -it was more like you need to do this now.

How it made me feeL:

Don’t really recall the positive responses

mother’s Reaction

When it came to chores – she would be very firm, and would yell at me at times in regards to not doing what I was suppose to be doing. Or if it wasn’t yelling, she would raise her voice and get on me until I did it.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I found it extremely annoying and frustrating. I wonder if my mom may have approached it in a calmer way, maybe my reaction would have been “okay, let me just to it”. But the yelling I think just turned me off from all of it. And didn’t make me want to do it more – I think it just aggravated and frustrated leif anything.

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. mother’s Response:

This scenario doesn’t really apply to me. I don’t recall ever being in one of these scenarios. For me it was always the opposite – my mom was always very much into appearance – looking presentable. And not in a snobby way. More from the angle, that it’s important to take care of yourself physically. For example: she would always talk to me about my skin and how important it was to take care of it. She would take me to get facials or I would go to the dermatologist if I had acne, etc. I would get regular hair cuts, etc.

How it made me feeL:

I always knew when my mom nagged me about these things that it came from a place of true caring and wanting the best for me. I definitely didn’t appreciate it then, as I do now. I actually see myself picking up on these habits now as an adult.

mother’s Reaction

Using the example I presented above (in regards to physical appearance) – my mother’s reaction at times felt like she was nagging me all the time. She wouldn’t stop. And would keep bringing up the same thing until I actually did something about it.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I would get really annoyed and frustrated – I may argue with her or just say “I know mom. Okay, I know.” The more she nagged me about it, the more annoyed it made me feel. Because when she had a point, she would keep bringing it up over and over again – so eventually you just have to do it.

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. mother and father’s Response:

My parents both would be extremely happy for me. My mother would respond with positive affirmations “that’s so great” “good job” “see what you can do”.

My dad would respond with similar affirmations such as “good job”, etc.

I can picture both of them with this beaming and happy face.

How it made me feeL:

Both of their reactions made me feel great. I always couldn’t wait to come home or call them and tell them about something positive that I got from school. I also knew they would be so happy to hear it and that just made me happy.

mother and father’s Reaction

They really didn’t have any negative reactions to these type of instances.

How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. Father’s Response:

My father’s initial reaction may have been to yell or react in that way, but he would quickly say something like “Yelena, what did you do? Clean it up quickly” and it would be forgotten about as quickly as it happened.

How it made me feeL:

So if something like this happened infront of my dad – I would feel like that’s okay and I wouldn’t be scared at all. My dad is super clumsy and did these things a lot- so that may have also helped in the way I would have reacted.

mother and grandmother’s Reaction

I am including both my mother and grandmother in this because I remember both of their reactions so vividly.

If I would spill or drop/break anything they would immediately react with “How could you do that?” “you are so clumsy” “you need to be more careful.”I felt a sense of disappointment and judgment from them. And it’s something that I have carried with myself over the years, where those same feelings rise up if I find myself in similar situations. I actually recall a couple of years ago -I was with my mom at her home and I spilled or broke something. And I recall immediatly clenching up and expecting a similar reaction. My mom’s response was “It’s okay, let’s clean it up”. I was shocked and I said to her “when i was a kid you never would have said that.” And she said “well i didn’t and shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when you were a kid”

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I would feel really stupid, angry at myself. In some ways, it would make me feel nervous and a bit inadequate.

Step 1- B: Patterns in your adult relationships 1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. David’s Response:

David was extremely comforting and supportive. He would stop everything and listen to me and what I was feeling. And after listening, he would have given me advice on what I can do about the situation. He would sit there with me or talk on the phone with me and talk me through it for as long as I needed. If we were in person, he would hug me or take my hand and really try to comfort me with body language. On the phone, he would tell me that I am a great person and I shouldn’t feel dumb or inadequate for what has happened. And he would tell me he loves me.

How it made me feeL:

I felt great. I always knew I could go to David for anything. He was so extremely supportive and I always felt that he had my back. I felt a sense of safety knowing that I had someone who truly got me and was on my side.

Kevin’s Reaction

Kevin was my boyfriend in college. It is a bit more difficult to recall what he would have done in this scenario. But I don’t feel like he would have been as comforting. I can see him consoling me and trying to make me feel better, but not to the same extent as David (as I described above). I don’t think he would have spent as much time talking about it. And I’m not sure how safe I felt going to Kevin with this type of problem, definitely not to the same level as I felt safe approaching David. And it’s not like Kevin would have not listened as well – I just felt more insecure around him. I was so in love with him and I never felt we are are on the same plane (I always felt I was more into him than he was into me). With David, it was the exact opposite – which probably explains why I felt so comfortable going to him, because I had the security in the relationship that I needed.

How I reacted to my partner:

Difficult to recall – because I don’t really remember going to him with these type of problems. Maybe they were more surface issues – but I feel like I recall talking more to him about his stuff than mine per se.

2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. David’s Response:

David would feel extremely bad and he would be super apologetic. Almost to an annoying level (just too many apologies). He would communicate how sorry he was almost to a fault. And he would listen to my side and probably not repeat the same pattern again.

How it made me feeL:

I would be appreciative of his response. However, I also feel at times that I took advantage of his sincerity and apologizing nature. I knew with David that I could push him pretty far. So if he messed up – I could make him feel really bad about it. I felt that I had that type of power or control in the relationship. And because of that, and because he allowed me to do that a lot, I think I really took advantage of that. So in some instances, even if the incident may have been minor, I can recall starting a fight or argument about it – just because I could (or maybe it was more to see how far I could really push him?)

Kevin’s Reaction

Kevin was very honest – so he would probably admit to it. I actually recall a scenario where we were lying in bed and he was telling me about this girl in his class (this is in college) that he felt this desire to want to sit by. And I remember completely freezing and getting so upset. And I asked him if he felt he may have feelings for her (or something to that effect). And his response was something to the effect of he wasn’t sure or didn’t know. Instead of trying to comfort me and say “absolutely not”-he was really honest about it. I think that is a pretty good depiction of how he was in general.

How I reacted to my partner:

In this situation, I just felt so sad and upset. I also felt super insecure (pretty much for most of the relationship) – so him telling me this only added to my feelings of insecurity. I do recall feeing really sad and just scared of losing him. And I remember feeling these feelings a lot. There were multiple instances that if we got into an argument or dispute – even if he was probably wrong, I found myself being the apologetic one or trying to make the situation better.

In this particular instance, I didn’t really express that I was upset or that what he said made me feel sad and insecure. I think I was probably afraid that if I did say something – he might leave or it may turn him away from me, or it may validate already what I was feeling.

3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. David’s Response:

David would tell me that that is not going to happen. That I am smart and that there are things I can do. He would take more of a logical practical approach and help me problem solve a scenario like this. In other words, he would help me come up with some type of action plan.

How it made me feeL:

His response made me feel comforted, secure, and overall I just felt better – again, knowing that he had my back and was there for me.

partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. David’s Response:

While this scenario really never came up – I do think David would have been okay with how I was feeling. I feel like he would have understood and said “that’s okay”. One thing this does make me think about is – even if he wasn’t 100% okay with my response or not wanting to go to one of these events, he probably wouldn’t have communicated that to me in the moment. I feel like it would come up later and then I would learn that that actually may have bothered or upset him.

How it made me feeL:

I of course would have appreciated the response, but I think I probably would have felt really guilty too for not going and probably would have just done it, even if I wasn’t up for it.

If I did find out later that he was upset about something, but didn’t communicate it to me in the moment – I think my reaction would have been to probably get upset at him for not communicating what he was feeling at the time.

partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. David’s Response:

David would be super understanding and I don’t recall him ever getting mad at me for any of these situations.

How it made me feeL:

Felt good – again comforted by his reaction

Tim’s Reaction

Tim (first guy I dated in Seattle for 2 months) – I recall being at his place and washing a pot that shouldn’t have been washed and he snapped at me and said “I told you this can’t be washed.”

How I reacted to my partner:

I was shocked..I didn’t say anything but “I’m sorry, I confused it with a different pot”. But it really bothered me how he reacted to something as minor as that.

6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. David’s Response:

David would be elated for me and would celebrate in my joy and happiness. If I was happy or expressed happiness, he would respond in that way back.

How it made me feeL:

I loved how happy he would be for me for my happiness. I always looked forward to telling him these kind of things because I know he would have responded in such a positive way.

Kevin’s Reaction

Hard to recall what his reaction would be. I feel like he would have been positive, but not to the same extent as David.

How I reacted to my partner: 7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. David’s Response:

This scenario makes me think about moments when I would get upset at David for things that happened in his life (ie. not standing up to his parents, putting work at times in front of my needs, not taking care of himself physically). When these things would come up – depending on the situation – he would be apologetic or he would get upset. Not upset in regards to trying to start an argument would me – but it would be obvious that he would be upset and would need time process whatever I just said. So if he understood where I was coming from he would respond with “Your right..I have to do something about that”. If he didn’t understand he would probably shut down and not talk for a bit.

How it made me feeL:

When he agreed with where I was coming from, I felt good – that he was getting it.

David’s Reaction

If he didn’t agree with what I said, he would shut down for a bit and ask for some space.

How I reacted to my partner:

When he would shut down- I would in a way become more clingy. It was hard for me to have him shut down – I would get worried that I upset him. At times I remember even feeling this dramatic response of “he’s going to break up with me..I’ve pushed him too far this time.” And that would create more anxiety for me. It’s hard to exactly recall, but I feel like in these instances, instead of giving him the space, I would keep trying to press him to talk. I wanted to smooth things over right away – it was hard for me to just wait. I basically wanted things to be better right away. I think I probably apologized a lot too -to try to smooth it over.

In addition, if he continued to resist talking about it – I recall a couple of times just getting angry and mad at him – I don’t think I truly understood what he needed to do to process things.

Step 1- C: Comparison

WHEN I FELT AFRAID AND EXPRESSED IT …

My caregivers usually reacted by: Comforting me to help make me feel better My partners usually reacted by: Comforting me as well to help make me feel better My default pattern of behavior in return was: To express myself when I was afraid (This is one emotion – that I didn’t have a difficult time expressing to anyone – I don’t think I felt vulnerable in letting people know that I was afraid or scared of something)

WHEN I FELT ANGRY AND EXPRESSED IT …

My caregivers usually reacted by: Screaming and yelling and overreacting My partners usually reacted by: Either by agreeing with me and what I was angry about or shutting down and asking for space to process what he was feeling My default pattern of behavior in return was: To express when I was angry – but to take it back immediately if I felt like I hurt the other person’s feelings or if I felt I made them angry. So I would become overly apologetic and would want to talk it out right away, even if they didn’t want to. I think it may have been difficult for me to stand my line.

WHEN I FELT SAD AND EXPRESSED IT …

My caregivers usually reacted by: Being overly concerned and would get really upset that I was sad. Their reactions sometimes were over the top and sort of dramatic. My partners usually reacted by: Comforting me and trying to make me feel better My default pattern of behavior in return was: To not express myself to my family – but to express myself more to my partner. I’m having a difficult time with this question – because I am primarily using David as my “partner example”. And the other relationships I have been in have lasted on average for 2 months or less. So in these relationships I never got to the point where I felt comfortable opening up or expressing myself. I don’t think I ever really did because I was so afraid for them to see me as being vulnerable. And I was worried if they did see my vulnerabilities they would leave.

WHEN I FELT ASHAMED AND EXPRESSED IT …

My caregivers usually reacted by: Being a bit critical and judgmental My partners usually reacted by: Not a feeling I expressed to everyone I was with. But I overly recall guys being pretty understanding with this My default pattern of behavior in return was: To refrain from expressing myself

WHEN I FELT HAPPY AND EXPRESSED IT …

My caregivers usually reacted by: Very positively and were happy for me My partners usually reacted by: Very positively and were happy for me My default pattern of behavior in return was: I would express when good things happened

Step 1- D: Your patterns of behavior in relationships

I became overly accommodating and denied my own needs because I wanted it to work.

Afraid
Sad
Shameful (a bit needy, fearful, disappointment)

I believed I could help him change, that he would be different with me and we’d be happy together. I felt anxious when I was not staying in constant contact with him.

Afraid, sad, needy, fearful, high anxiety

I would expect him to pick up on my cues about how I wanted to be treated and how I wanted him to respond, and I would get frustrated if it didn’t turn out as I wanted. I would bury my emotions and not express my needs in the relationship because I didn’t want to come across as weak or needy. I blamed him when things were not going well or if he wasn’t giving me what I needed.

Angry, afraid to express what I needed, shameful

I blamed myself for the relationship not working.

Afraid, angry, sad

I minimized problems and tolerated bad behavior.

Afraid (think this goes back to me not wanting to reveal my emotions and needs because I was afraid and worried that may deter the guy or turn him off)

I stayed single waiting for the perfect man to come along.

Anxious, nervous, sad (it wasn’t maybe that I was waiting for the perfect man to come along, but I never have been one to go from one relationship to another. I think I had a difficult time just getting into relationships – so not sure if it was me waiting for the perfect man, but just me having a difficult time getting into relationships)

Add other patterns here, and for each of them note what you felt.

I think overall – I have always had a difficult time expressing my needs in relationships. And the one time when I was able to express my needs (with David) – I took the relationship for granted.I feel in most of my relationships – due to my lack of ability in expressing

I felt high anxiety and my stomach turning inside and out. I also felt butterflies in my stomach from the anxiousness.

Step 1- E: Your target patterns and goals

Target behavior: I want to work on being able to articulate and express my needs clearly. I want to work on having the confidence to state when things are bothering me and also have the confidence to state when things make me happy or I am pleased with something. In other words, I want to have the confidence to express myself and not be worried that I may be judged by someone for stating what is on my mind or for expressing what I am feeling.
Goal: To be able to state my needs from the beginning and have the confidence to do so

Target behavior: I want to work on taking more control of the dating experience and not being afraid to say “this is what I want to do on our first date” versus feeling that I have no control or say. In other words, I want to be able to have the confidence and learn how to be more assertive with dating.
Goal: To be able to take more control and articulate what I would like to do on the first 3 dates

My goal for this pattern is: To be able to state my needs from the beginning and have the confidence to do so

Why do I [describe the pattern]?
I think as a child I never learned how to express or articulate my needs to my family and friends. I held a lot of things in – worried about how it may come across to others; worried that it would not be received positively; worried that it would hinder relationships
Potential positives of not changing my pattern:

I won’t have to deal with confrontation. I can continue to go as I am now, without the risk of hurting someone or losing a friendship in the process.

Potential negatives of not changing my pattern:

By not expressing myself, especially to the people that I am closest to, I am worried that I may begin to harbor resentment or bitterness towards them. It may also result in me closing up, and opening up less to them and I may begin to turn to other individuals for support.

Potential positives of changing my pattern:

If I can change this pattern, I feel that it will give more of a voice and sense of empowerment. Plus, I think it will strengthen my relationships with my family and friends. I also think it will teach me how to take more ownership and control of my wants and needs. It will allow me to put myself first. I think in the long term it will make me a better partner as well.

Potential negatives of changing my pattern:

I may lose some friendships or it may change the dynamics of some of my relationships.

What can I do to learn about my pattern and who can I discuss this with?

Am I ready to declare my commitment to change?

Yes – I am ready to do this work. And I want to start today.

What can I do to prepare, such as what will I do and say differently than before?

I can talk to my therapist and begin practicing using scripts (on this website). I can also start small and practice this on one friend that comes to mind.

How can I practice before I try this?

My roommate from college – Marian. She is suppose to visit me memorial day weekend and I am really excited as this will be her first trip out here. She recently conveyed in a text the idea of going somewhere warm instead. And I realized that that upset me. I was disappointed that instead of wanting to come and visit me here – she is thinking of going somewhere else. It’s important for me to have her make the effort to come and see me.

I can say: “Marian, I wanted to talk to you about your trip. I know you mentioned the possible idea of going somewhere else. I think that’s going to be difficult for me to do. I have been traveling so much in the past 2 months, that money wise I think it would be best for me to stay put. But also I was really excited to have you come out here and see my life – since you haven’t been out here yet. It would mean a lot to me, if you are still considering coming out here. What do you think?

What if my action or conversation goes well?

If the conversation goes well, I feel that I will feel a lot more empowered in being able to express myself (because I am realizing that I never really do).

What if it doesn’t go well? What might the consequence be?

Do something for me – read for pleasure, work out.

When and where will I try out my new way of changing my pattern?

I will reach out to Marian to have this conversation.

I’m letting go of my old pattern, and embracing the new one:

I am ready to embrace my new pattern of expressing my wants and needs to others and not being afraid any longer of what the outcome will reveal. I do believe that expressing my needs will only help bring my relationships closer together.

Where else in my life can I use this new pattern?

I can use it at school and in dating (especially in the beginning)

How do I reward myself for continuing the process of change?

Continue to give myself little gifts such as: working out, reading, watching a favorite show

Ways I slipped back to my old ways, and how I handled the relapse (if applicable):

I can practice this script above before I call her to talk to her about this.

What is difficult about maintaining my new pattern?

My therapist and friends that I feel understand this part about me.

How do I feel about changing my pattern?

I hope she will say “okay, sounds good – I’ll come to Seattle”

My goal for this pattern is: To be able to take more control and articulate what I would like to do on the first 3 dates

Step 2- B: LET GO OF PAST PAIN

My relationship with David and Mother

What did I not get from the relationship that was essential for me?

David:
1) Long term financial stability
2) Passion
3) Physical attraction
4) Security (if this was actually going to go somewhere)

Mother:
1) Confidence in being able to express my needs without too much judgment
2) A sense of self-worth and self-confidence in myself (I wish my mom taught me more about that or modeled that for me growing up)

What were the things I thought I could control about the relationship?

David:
I thought I could control his habits/appearance (how he dressed, how he presented himself, the way he ate) – things that bothered me and things I continuously nagged him about. I felt like I was always trying to change him or conform him to what I was looking for.

Mother: I’m not sure what I thought I could control about the relationship

What were the painful experiences and feelings that I experienced in this relationship?

David:
I felt that I was always unsure of how I truly felt about David – so that anxiety was always there. It was really hard to constantly try to figure out my true feelings and if this relationship was right. I constantly felt like I was justifying it to others and to myself. And I just remember the constant ups and downs and it never truly feeling right and how much I wanted it to feel right.

Mother:
I feel like I felt bad for my mom and I felt sorry for her because of her life, what she gave up, and the divorce from my dad. It just made me feel sad that I don’t think my mom was truly ever happy.

What were the limitations of the relationship?

David:
David was in the process of trying to establish his career – so at times financial stuff was a struggle. We couldn’t travel as much as I would have liked.

Mother:
Not being able to talk to my mom about everything perhaps. For some reason, not feeling that I could or not feeling comfortable enough that I could.

What did I learn from the relationship?

David:
I learned how important it is to not settle for anything less than what I want. I learned how important it is for me to trust my gut and know when something feels right or doesn’t. I learned how important it is to express my needs before it gets to a point of escalation.

Mother:
I learned that my mom did the best that she could with what she had and with the role models she had. I know my mother loves me and will do anything for me. And I’m learning to not fault her for things I wish I received or things I don’t necessarily agree with it and just accept that it all came from a place of love.

Why is letting go of the pain from this past relationship the best thing for me?

I feel its really important for moving on. I think for me one of my regrets is dating David for so long – especially since I knew it wasn’t right the majority of the time we were together. Letting go of this regret and forgiving myself I think will be really important for me in moving on.

And I think with my mom – it’s just letting go in trying to fight her and change her way of thinking. Even if I don’t agree with some of the things she has done or said, I think for me just letting go off that, and accepting her for who she is, is the best thing that I can do for our relationship.

What is more important to me than holding onto the pain from this past relationship?

Forgiveness

Do I need to forgive this person for the harm he or she caused me?

I think it may be finding forgiveness or just acceptance that it is what it was and I learned a lot from it.

Step 2- C: MOVE FORWARD

What are the unrealistic relationship standards that I’m holding onto?

I am holding onto some external/physical qualities (not sure if this counts for this section). I do think one thing is thinking that the guy should just know what I am thinking or wanting or needing from the relationship (almost expecting him to be a mind reader of my thoughts)

What am I afraid to risk going forward?

I am afraid to risk putting my feelings out there and getting hurt as a result. I am afraid of being too vulnerable or letting someone see that vulnerable side of me.

How do I feel about putting myself out there to be vulnerable and available?

It’s really difficult for me to do this. I still carry some fear in being vulnerable and putting myself entirely out there.

This is something that I really want to do and something that I want to get better at. I definitely think this is one thing that has held me back in previous relationships – my fear of putting myself too much out there and getting hurt as a result.

What is scary about moving forward?

Again, the idea of doing all this work and getting hurt again or repeating similar patterns from the past. Or even just making the same mistakes…or it not working again.

What is my responsibility within a relationship?

My responsibility is to communicate my feelings and be open and honest with my partner when something is bothering me or when I’m upset or not happy about something (versus just holding it in out of fear or the expectation that they should know what’s on my mind already).

How will I deal with my feelings going forward?

I’ll have to trust what I am feeling is okay and normal and not judge myself for feeling what I am feeling. I think I’ll also have to listen to my feelings as almost a guide in helping me determine why I am feeling what I am. For example: if I start to feel anxiety or any bit of anxiousness with my partner – this should let me know that I am probably not expressing my needs or what I want. And this would tell me that I need to be more open and honest with those feelings.

How will I stay in the present and avoid feeling stuck in the past?

I’ll begin working on my inner critic and reframing my inner dialogue if I find myself repeating past habits and patterns. In other words, if I hear my inner critic putting me down by saying things such as “your not good enough” “or you can’t say that, cause that may turn him off” – then I’ll have to stop myself and remind myself that these things are not true, and that I am worthy and capable of finding someone that will appreciate me for who I am.

How do I feel about putting myself and my needs first?

I feel much more confident about that. Because honestly, I don’t think I ever did that in the past. And I am excited to begin practicing communicating this more in relationship.

How do I feel about dealing with conflict going forward?

I’ve never had an easy time with dealing with conflict, but I am ready to begin owning that. I feel better about the fact that I can hopefully handle conflict in a mature way, before it escalates.

How do I communicate my needs going forward?

I plan to speak up in my relationships and articulate what I may need or may not be getting from the other person. I plan to be honest about what I am feeling and own that, without feeling that I have to justify these feelings or explain them to anyone.

Who can I ask for support on my journey to finding love?

Friends, therapist

Step 2- D: WRITE ABOUT THE WONDERFUL YOU

What are the things about myself that I’m proud of?

1) I am independent and self-sufficient (live on my own and have made my own life for myself here in Seattle)
2) I have an easy time attracting and surrounding myself by positive people in my life (I have always had an easy time making friends and just meeting really good people who share similar values and beliefs on life as myself)
3) I am caring and empathetic to other’s needs
4) I am open minded and am always willing to try something new (I am open minded to people in general ie. culture, backgrounds, life experiences; and am always open to trying something new and going a bit out of my comfort zone ie. camping, kayaking, etc.)
5) I took the risk of switching careers and leaving corporate america for teaching and now I’m pursuing my PhD
6) My overall positivity on life (I think in general I have a pretty good positive outlook on life. No matter what ups and downs I go through, I always try to find the lesson or positive thing from that experience.)
7) The self-work that I am doing and have been working on for the past 3 years
8) My work as a teacher

What about me is sexy and attractive?

1) My red hair and eyes
2) Gracefulness – I have always been told that I carry myself in a very graceful way
3) My smile
4) My overall energy – I’m usually really happy and I think that comes across when I meet people
5) My figure
6) My voice/accent (or I have been told)

What am I passionate about?

1) My career and doing something where I feel that I am going to make a difference
2) My family and friends and maintaining those relationships
3) Traveling – love it
4) Just enjoying life and embracing it. I’m really passionate about staying in the moment and just trying to savor each thing/opportunity that comes my way
5) Self-work
6) Working out

What are my dreams and goals? What do I want to become?

1) I want to be a teacher/educator and help new teachers learn how teach in a way that meets the needs of all their students
2) I want to write a book one day (academic and children’s)
3) I want to own a home with a view of the water
4) I want a family. I want to meet my life partner and have 3-4 healthy kids
5) I want to continue traveling the world and exploring new places

What makes me feel confident?

1) My friends
2) When I’m teaching in any capacity
3) When I am working out
4) When I dress up and get dolled up

What about me is unique?

1) My hair – I get comments about it all the time
2) My background – being Russian (don’t come across many people here with that background)
3) My free spirit and outlook on life – I’ve always been told that I tend to live in my own world, but I actually take that as a compliment
4) My ability to be a connector or the person that always brings people together (I have always been that with different groups of friends in my life)
5) I’m really in-tuned with other people’s emotions and feelings

How do I make a difference, or what do I do that is greater than myself?

I think just pursuing the career that I am in – teaching – is my way of really trying to make a difference. I have been trying to also do small things such as:
1) If I see someone is struggling – carrying something, or needs help getting on the bus, I will help
2) My cousin (distant cousin) wants to move to Seattle – so I am going out of my way to help him with this transition

I guess overall, I really try to put myself in other people’s shoes and I think “if I was in their position, what would I want someone to help me with?”

How do I help others without compromising my own needs?

This is a hard one for me. I feel that one of my challenges has always been helping others, but always comprising my needs in the process. So I am really trying to work on this and get better. I am a really good friend. If a friend of mine is upset or sad for whatever reason, I will always reach out and follow up (via call, text, email, send a card, plan a fun night out). I am trying to work on putting my needs first and in some ways learn how to be more selfish.

What am I happy and grateful for?

I am so happy and grateful for my friends and family. I feel really lucky that I have so many people that I can rely on and depend on and I know truly care about me and are always looking out for my best interests.

I am grateful for moving to Seattle. I love this city so much and I am so thankful that I took the leap in making this move.

I am so happy that I switched careers into teaching and now pursuing my PhD.

I am so happy that I am on this journey of self-work.

How do I take care of myself?

1) Work out
2) Monthly facials and hair cuts
3) Get 7-8 hrs of sleep a night (something I started a few months ago)
4) Meditation
5) Try to find some alone time for myself especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed

What matters to me in this short time on Earth?

To have a family and find my parter in life. To be healthy. To have a good relationship with my family. To maintain my friendships. To live in a beautiful place. To travel.

How do I show someone I care?

I reach out if I feel someone is struggling or upset. I make sure to check in as much as I feel like I need to. I compliment people. I try to be thoughtful in my gifts/presents. I make efforts to travel and visit friends that may not be close by anymore.

How does love feel to me, specifically unconditional love?

Words that come to mind are:
powerful
blissful
safe
protective
warm
secure
mutual
happy
joyful
unjudgmental

How do I forgive others?

I try to understand things from other’s perspective and be compassionate to what someone may be going through. This wasn’t always easy for me to do..but I’m finding as I get older that everyone has their struggles and insecurities and a lot of what people do stems from those struggles and insecurities. So trying to be more empathetic to what someone is going through makes it easier for me to forgive someone for their actions.

How do I overcome obstacles?

I talk them through with friends. I’ve been journaling and meditating and that has helped a lot. I try to accept that it’s okay to have obstacles and go through those ups and downs and that that all is part of the process and journey – so just having that type of attitude has helped me a lot.

At times though – I tend to also go out and drink and dance and do what I can to make myself feel better (or maybe avoid the obstacle as well)

What do I accept about myself?

1) That I am 39 and still single
2) That my life has taken a much different path then my friends and one that I did not anticipate
3) That I may struggle with having kids
4) That I am sensitive at times to other people’s opinions
5) That getting a PhD program is not easy and its okay to doubt myself at times and the insecurities that I have about feeling whether I belong or not
6) That my family is who they are and some of my own “stuff” stems from that – but I can’t blame them for that anymore and have to take responsibility for my own actions
7) That I am an endless romantic and idealist
8) That there is a lot more stuff that I need to continue working on (insecurities, learning how to express myself, not giving others so much power)
9) That I can be indecisive sometimes
10) That the decisions and choices I made in the past have led me to this point in my life and that’s okay

Step 2- E: CREATE YOUR PEDESTAL

Step 3- A: DEFINE YOUR INITIAL SCREENING CRITERIA

He wants a long-term committed relationship

---

He wants to get married

---

He wants to have kids

---

He is financially stable

---

He leads a healthy lifestyle (no drugs or smoking; stays physically active)

---

Step 3- B: DEFINE YOUR DEAL-BREAKERS

What were the negative ways my partner expressed their emotions in our relationship?

Being too judgmental at times
Not making me feel safe or secure in the relationship
Making me feel that I was not valued – not putting my needs first or going out of his way to do something kind for me to show how much he cared
*This is all Tim/Kevin related

How did my partner express fear? Was my partner often defensive, judgmental, controlling, critical or blaming? Was there any bullying, teasing, jealous or sarcastic behaviors?

I would say more of being judgmental
*This is Tim related

How did my partner express anger? Was my partner often resentful, frustrated, bored, distant or aggressive?

I would say a sense of frustration and at times distance
*This is David related

How did my partner express sadness? Was my partner often tired, low-energy, lonely or depressed?

He would sort of get depressed and not want to talk about it. At time he may have even distanced himself
*This is David related

How did my partner express shame? Was my partner often clingy, needy or seem afraid of being abandoned?

Don’t really recall this feeling coming up

How did my partner show happiness? Did my partner express happiness in ways that did not feel healthy and did not work for me?

Can’t recall a negative experience with this

How did my partner argue and handle disagreements?

David –

If it got to this point – he could yell (but I feel like I probably usually got him to that point)
Generally speaking David would be a calm arguer. I only can recall 2-3 occasions where he was really really upset and may have lost his temper

Was my partner able to compromise in the relationship?

Yes – always.

What about my partner really frustrated me?

His personal habits/mannerisms
His procrastination in giving me advanced notice on really important big news (ie. I got a job offer in DC and l am leaving in 2 days)
The difficulty he had in saying “no” to his parents or standing up for himself at times in front of his parents

What else did not work for me?

When I think about the last two relationships I had with Tim and Conor (both short lived) but what didn’t work for me in them was: the lack of unknown – never knowing when or if I was going to see them again; always feeling insecure and anxious to express myself or my needs. I just remember that feeling of insecurity and anxiety in dating them and never truly feeling I could be myself

Step 3- C: Love relationship plan part 1

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Step 3- C: Love relationship plan part 2

I love that my partner expresses emotions in these ways: [describe the positive ways your partner expresses their emotions, both positive and negative emotions, in the relationship]

1) Through open communication
2) Stays true to what he is feeling (whether it’s happiness or sadness) and is able to express those feelings to me in a confident way, non-defensive way
3) Wants to talk things through
4) Can express himself by staying calm
5) Makes an effort to compliment me

My partner balances their own interests and hobbies with the relationship and me in these ways:

He is independent and his interests and hobbies are important to him. While he is okay with doing his own thing, it is important to him to have me share in or be a part of his interests. So for example: he’ll suggest at times having us doing something together. However, if he knows that I am not interested in that particular activity or hobby – he is okay with doing it on his own. If he feels that his interests or activities begin interfering with our relationship, he will always make sure to prioritize our relationship needs over his interest (ie. he won’t plan a back packing trip every weekend – even though he loves doing that – if it means it is impacting our time together).

We work through our relationship issues and disagreements with compromise and communication in these ways: [describe how you work together toward solutions]

We openly discuss when something is bothering us. So if there is a problem, before letting it escalate or fester for too long, we make sure to speak up and say that something is bothering us. If one of us approaches the other, when something is bothering us, we make sure to not get defensive but listen with an open mind. We sympathize with where one another is coming from and take time to talk through the problem or issue to a point where we feel its been resolved or dealt with. We don’t go to sleep upset or mad at one another.

My partner supports me in many ways including: [describe all the ways and situations that your partner will be there for you]

He supports me in my career and pushes and encourages me to pursue my dreams and goals. He loves that I am getting a PhD and is always there for me when I am feeling insecure, unsure or upset about my work. He reminds me why I am doing it and that I can do it.

In general when I think of support – I think of someone that just has your back always. So no matter what is happening, whether it’s with relationships, career, or health – my partner is there for me mentally, emotionally, financially and physically. It feels like we are a true team.

I love that my partner’s values align with mine in these ways: [describe the most important values that you want in your partner]

He is my back bone and reminds me through his actions and words how much he loves and cares for me. I feel safe with him because he passes no judgements on what I say or do. I feel completely myself and 100% comfortable just being with him. I feel safe because there is a feeling of calmness and easiness in the relationship (ie. there are no games). He is patient with me.

I feel happy, because I feel like we are in a true partnership and I know he is there for me whenever I need him. I feel happy, because I enjoy spending time with him whether its a fancy dinner or just watching a movie at home.

My partner’s spiritual beliefs work well with mine is these ways: [describe how your beliefs and your partner’s beliefs work together]

Very much in-tuned with yoga and meditation practices – or similar philosophy. My partner’s beliefs include:
1) Being able to accept situations as they come
2) Looking for the positives or lessons in why things happen
3) Being kind to others
4) Being self-aware and in-tuned with his needs, feelings and those of others

[554 show=field_label] [554] I love that together we have intellectual interests in common including:

1) Teaching
2) Art
3) Books
4) Theater
5) Movies
6) Life/spirituality
7) Cultures/backgrounds

My partners’ life style and health are as follows, and that works for me because:

He is physically fit and healthy. He works out on a regular basis and follows an overall healthy diet. He is taller than me (has a sense of confidence when he walks into a room/carries himself with a sense of confidence). He values his appearance (ie. dresses well, takes time to make sure he is put together).

His career situation is [559] which matches and supports what I’m looking for. His passions, hobbies and interests include [560] which works in our relationship. I feel [562] when I am with him. I am open to the person who will be coming into my life to be my life partner. I trust in all that is happening to bring him into my life.

Step 3- D: GIVE YOUR PLAN ATTENTION

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Step 3-E: CLEAR ANY OBSTACLES

Step 3-F: START MAKING SPACE

Step 4- A: Where could he be?

Where would my partner hang out in their free time? Parks; Coffee shops; Yoga; Bars with friends; Theatre/music venues; home (someone that is also comfortable being by themselves) What kinds of things would they be doing? Listening to music; working out; having a beer with friends; reading; brunch/dinner with friends What kind of job would they have, or are they retired? Something in finance or IT; something where his work would be in helping others (doctor, lawyer, sales) What kind of people would they choose as friends? Loyal; Caring; Kind; Open-minded; Like to have fun – have good overall positive energy; Inviting/inclusive (when new people come into the group) Where might they be living? Somewhere in Seattle What are they doing in their free time for fun? Working out; spending time with friends; going to shows; going out to dinners; go dancing; wine tasting; bonfires/picnics at parks What are their passions in life? Staying active and healthy; always working on bettering himself; work (someone that puts himself in a job that they enjoy); being a great partner to his significant other; traveling; exploring new places where he is living What kind of restaurants would they visit? Walrus and Carpenter; Westward; Rock Creek; Turko Cafe (Mixture of cozy, trendy and just really good food) Would they try to meet someone online, through friends, through activities? He would try through all three venues

Step 4- B: TAKE ACTION ON YOUR DATING PLAN.

Step 5- A: YOUR FIRST THREE DATES.

Step 5- B: ANY RED FLAGS?

Step 6- A: ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.

Step 6- B: PREPARE FOR YOUR CONVERSATIONS AND THEN SOME.

Step 6-C: BEING AWARE OF DATING SIGNS

Step 6-D: RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Step 7- A: Where is your relationship?

You both communicate openly and honestly about your feelings, thoughts and opinions. Strongly Agree You feel safe and are able to express your needs, fears and desires. You are able to show anger and cry, and he supports you and helps you work through it. Agree You love spending time together, and yet you maintain separate identities, interests and friends. Agree You are playful together and able to laugh—a lot! Strongly Agree You’ve been successful with the must-have conversations in step six. Strongly Agree There are no signs of him being a serial monogamist (see step five). Strongly Agree Your relationship feels easy. It’s easy to work through disagreements. It’s easy to be authentic with one another. Strongly Agree

Step 7- B: HAVE THE CONVERSATION

Write what you want to say to your partner about being exclusive:

I have really enjoyed all the time we have been spending together. I know this weekend was a bit intense for both of us due to all the time we spent together, but I feel like it was a really big turning point for me in our relationship. I know we spoke a week ago or so about not dating anyone else. I wanted to let you know that I also took down my on line profiles and I am ready to take our relationship to the next level and see where this goes. What that means for me is that I want to date only you and continue to get to know you and build our relationship. As you know I’m looking to find my “person”, who shares my values and goals in wanting to get married, start a family and make a life together. I know you’ve mentioned this in the past – but it would help me to hear it again – I’d like to hear what you are looking for in an exclusive relationship. What does that mean for you?

Step 7- C: Test your relationship

Write your ideas on how you will you test your relationship:

I think I will start with sharing my relationship plan and work on balancing our time together. My concern is that we may lose our own selves in this process. I know that’s a pattern for him and something we have spoken about and something he keeps in the back of his mind. I’m also worried for me – I have my structure and life and I really love it and I don’t want to lose parts of that while I begin dating someone exclusivity. So something for me is trying to find that balance. I would also like to take a trip together – a weekend somewhere to see how we do with that.