You’re an overachiever in all areas of your life, with one exception: a long-lasting love relationship.
At work you excel at screening out bad clients and negotiating difficult situations. You set great boundaries with coworkers and others. In your personal life you have a beautiful home with lots of nice stuff. You might even be a superstar volunteer and mom. You work out three times a week and are incredibly fit and healthy. Everyone around you cannot figure out why in the world someone as successful as you can’t find a long-lasting love relationship.
Here are some typical scenarios as to why successful women often suck at dating and love:
- You have no trouble quantifying work success, but when it comes to love you have a hard time seeing what “love success” is. This could be because you’re so busy and consumed with work and career that you don’t take the time to invest in love. You tell everyone love is just a waste of time.
- You are fiercely independent and fear intimacy. You see dependency on a partner as weak. You might fear you’ll lose your independence in a relationship.
- You love a challenge so you go for the unavailable guy. You know what I’m talking about–the guy who lives in another city; says he’s not ready for anything serious; is newly separated and still negotiating his divorce and custody; calls you only when it’s convenient for him; or maybe it’s the guy who’s married.
- When you do meet a guy you like, you jump into the relationship (and probably bed) too fast. Then the minute he starts to like you, you are completely turned off and uninterested. You jump to the conclusion that it’s all his fault. He’s just not good enough or has 101 things wrong with him: he’s not tall enough; drinks and eats too loudly; asks too many questions; makes dinner for you; doesn’t make enough money … or maybe he’s just too nice.
- You’ve been dating online for months or years. You’ve met a zillion guys and there is not one man out there who is a fit for you. You believe the one for you just doesn’t exist.
If any of these scenarios sounds like you, read on.
The reason is because you continually set yourself up to fail. Why? Deep down inside you believe that you don’t deserve love. I know, it’s twisted and it doesn’t make sense.
Hear me out: When you didn’t get the love, caring, nurturing and closeness you needed as a child, you learned to believe that no matter how hard you tried, there was something wrong with you and you were unlovable. Your caregivers were unavailable emotionally and/or physically, for whatever reason. I’m not blaming your caregivers as they likely did the best they could. In fact, the neglect you felt didn’t even have to be extreme or abusive to have had an impact on you. The bottom line is that as an adult you’re trying to recreate this scenario and get the caring, nurturing and love you missed as a child to fill a hole or space inside of you. This is just a belief and a feeling you had when you were five and alone. It’s old stuff. You’re here now and you don’t have to believe or feel that way any longer.
I know, you think holy crap! Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that!?
Well, you start to peel back the layers to these patterns and put the pieces of the puzzle together by looking at how you were raised and the part your caregivers played. You learn how patterns developed when you were young and carried forward into your adult relationships. You learn to separate what you felt when you were five years old from what you’re feeling now.
Sound like hard work? Yup, it is. But when you do it in baby steps, the “aha” moments start to happen. I know that it feels impossible, but it’s not.
I was there too. I was 42 years old, at the top of my career game, and completely frustrated with my love life. I was able to change how I dated and I found love.
My DateWise program and coaching can guide you through it. Check it out. Success in love and career are both possible for you!