Here’s what Max helped me with.
Max, thanks for being exactly and unapologetically who you are. You are like a cat taken away from its mom and siblings too soon. Those cats are cute as kittens, but they become horrible cats. They lash out unexpectedly. They were never taught boundaries. They don’t know how to play, which is especially problematic when you limbs end with sharp claws and you have teeth designed to rip living things to shreds.
But it all happened fast, and because of you I know REALLY know about the butterflies. What they are and what they do. They are possible the most poorly-understood and dangerous emotional tools we have. We THINK the flutters in our chests and brains are good thigns. That they mean that love is coming. That someone special has arrived in our lives and that they will make us feel good…sooo good that we can’t imagine it. So good that problems (things that make us feel bad) will magically disappear. They will make the bad things disappear. Life will suddenly and magically change.
Lots of really smart ladies secretly wait and wait and wait for magic. We think that magic is the only way we will find love or a partner. The regular ways have never worked and we’re positive they never will. And honestly we’re probably right about that. But we are wrong to ‘wait for magic’ to happen. We crave magic. We WANT to believe in ‘big love’ and we want to keep romance alive as a possibility. And here’s where the big mistake happens—we think the feeling of butterflies means that we are in the presence of magic.
Butterflies are magical, but they are not the kind of magic we think they are. They are not indications we are in the proximity of possible true love. They do not mean that we are sitting near someone who can escort us immediately past all the dull and huge impediments to ‘true love.’ We think that’s what they mean. That we’ve got a special front-of-the-line pass that we’ve somehow stumbled upon, and that this ‘magic’ is the only way to get through the impediments. WRONG.
I’ve decided to think of…to recognize…butterflies as my own set of pixies. The pixies are fluttering. But they are not fluttering with happy excitement. They are fluttering nervously because they recognize that I’m in the presence of a dangerous person. A person who is triggering irrational hope for a free pass, for a trip to the heady heights of true soul-love. The pixies know that I THINK I’ve finally found ‘it,’ or it’s found me.
The pixies are my own little emotional bodyguards. They herd the bulls that run rampant in my emotional china shop. The bulls were put there by people way in my past. They are old thoughts and old needs. They are desperate wishes things had been different. They are mad that I don’t feel fulfilled and they are my depression. And when the bulls get stimulated, the pixies take flight
I feel their wings in my chest and I think they are butterflies. Just like when you feel a tickle on your arm and think it’s an actual butterfly, but it’s a wasp. The tickle feels the same. But the reality is very different. This tickle, the chest-butterflies, the magical sprinklers I’m feeling, are upset pixies. Sure they are flying, but they are trying to fly AWAY. They are warning me. The FEEL like they are signaling magic. Nope. They are indicators I’m about to get stung in a major way.
So I’ve decided to recognize my pixies as pixies. I’ve given them combat boots and golden wings. They wear sparking diamond helmets and when they take flight I’m going to listen to them. I’m going to recognize what they are saying…which is DANGER. BEWARE. This person is fucking around with your herd of bulls. The bulls are getting nervous. This person can only make your bulls mad. This person can not rid you of your bulls. Flutter, flutter, FUCKING FLUTTER DAMMIT.
I’ll hear you, pixies. I will heed your warning. Narcissist nearing! Someone is promising things that no one can deliver to you! Someone is reminding you of old wounds! Someone is making you feel like suddenly everything can, will, should be different…and the logical part of you is conveniently forgetting the fact that you just met this person…how on earth does it make any sense that you are giving them credit for changing your life?! It’s nuts. It’s upset bulls. It’s worried pixies. It’s not butterflies.
So thank you Max. Your short presence in my life has finally helped me FEEL the pixie/butterfly distinction. To understand. To upgrade my pixies with new tools. To help them work faster in the future so they can get back to the important business of playing poker on their bunkbeds. The bulls I’m handling in therapy. The pixies are my friends, the way that smoke detectors are my friends.
Thanks for being toxic smoke, and for moving so fast. The air is feeling much more breathable now that I’m past you.
He does not have a “suave” personality or dress really stylishly. I’m open to his nerdiness and don’t care much about his style. I really like the way his energy feels and it helps me to see him in a different way.
I have voiced 2 different needs 1) that he wear deodorant and 2) that we don’t have a physical relationship until he is emotionally available.
The first one was really hard! My heart was pounding and I had no idea what the outcome would be. He had no idea that his new deodorant wasn’t working and he was mortified but happy I said something.
The second took me by surprise – when we became FB friends, I realized how much he still missed his ex. I was able to calmly express my needs – good job me!
I’ve been dating someone for 3 weeks and we have only kissed (but with no tongue!). I think I’m doing good managing my sexual urges.
attended two public holiday events last weekend
daily work on this program for three days
Look at the whole person read profile not just looking at face and body
I have been really good on scheduling day dates as my first dates.
I have been doing well with this. With Tom I stated what I was looking for on our 3rd date and our 6th date I brought up the whole couch conversation. After my first date with Matt, I told him that I didn’t think we were probably looking for similar things in regards to long term relationships. Some things I never would have had the guts to do in the past.
I have been workings towards this goal. For my 2nd and 3rd date with Tom – I initiated plans to meet up because I knew my travel schedule was so hectic. This was big for me – because the old me would have waited for him to reach out and just assumed he should know to reach out early enough to make plans with me (even though he had no idea about my travel schedule).
Still a main target goal that I am working towards. I have made some progress – on my 3rd date with Tom – I was open in asking him what I was looking for (marriage, long term and kids) – something I have never done before so early on.
I told my sister I wasn’t available to babysit.
I told my sister I couldn’t babysit for her this week because I had work to do.
today i wrote really fast
This is my new progress entry.