Well this is the week for disturbing notes:
I find I am waiting around on a day when Jim and I say we are going to get together but the lack of a plan — i,e, when he is coming over, what we are going to do is really annoying. Unless we say we are going to a movie and pick a time or say we are going to a theater production it is all very fluid. Like today. I haven’t seen him in three days — he says he want to get together tonight — have dinner and chat but it is 600 pm and I don’t have a clue what the plan is.
I texted him at 1:00 and asked what sounded like fun? he replied “You” funny I said. Then he said he was running some errands and could call in a bit. this was around 130. I sent him a text a 545 saying “hey are we still getting together if not I am going to head out to the park etc” No response yet.
I can’t decide whether to sit here and wait for some milk toast response. Like “I was working out and how about I come over now” or whether I just go to the park and walk willow around.
Haven’t written a new note in a long time……Don’t know how to catch up.
Still dating Jim — He travels a lot — say every other week.
I find that a bit disturbing
We have had the finance talk — man am I tired of that. He said “I feel like I would hold you back” WHO EVER THOUGHT MONEY WOULD BE A PROBLEM!
I said look I like you what we do etc. if we do something big then i am ok doing something we are both comfortable with splitting that etc.
Then we had to have the sex discussion as he has the great ED issue — man am I tired of that. But again since at this age I think chris was an anomaly I figure i better look beyond great sex or figure out a different way to have it.
We have had some snafus — ie. one night he gave me grief about his having to pay for my drink — I said hey when we met you said you didn’t mind if I had a drink and he said well there is a difference between you having a drink and having a recovering guy pay for it. I said hmmm what exactly is the different between you paying for my drink or my paying for your dessert (since I never eat dessert) I think he realizes it was petty and he was freaked about something. We shall see.
He is on good terms with his ex whose name is pretty — deanna or something like that . They talk about their son. She lives in Seattle.
He swims and worksout at LA fitness. This is just something to remember. He does not like TOFU. He thinks I would love New Orleans. He is going to visit his son in colorado the sunday after he returns from Florida so he asked me out for Friday and Saturday — I said sure. Talk about a lot quick.
So Jim and I met connected on Match on March 1 and met for a coffee date on March 3 at 1:00 at ZeightGeist coffee in Pioneer Square. We exchanged funny emails before we met. I was there first but he was early too. I let him buy my coffee. We talked for an hour then went to look at art galleries most of which were closed and then had another coffee which I bought. This took three hours. I had a great time with him we were talking all over the place — since then which has been a week we have gone out two other times. He left today for a business meeting in Jacksonville Florida. He asked me out for next Friday. Our other two dates were dinner thursday at Serafina and Friday we went to Toulouse Petit and then to the Uptown to see annimated short shorts. It was a lot of fun. I was out until 1230 which never happens.
So this is what I know. He grew up in Brooklyn. He has two sisters and brother. He has a son named Hunter who is a year older than Matthew. His son works in a town around Aspen at Walmart — he didn’t go to college. Jim went to college in New York majored in biology or ? and joined NOAA. Was in NOAA for 22 years I believe and retired as a commander. Could have been a captain but did not do another tour at SEA as he was going through a divorce. He had met his wife in california and they had moved to Seattle she found out she was pregnant and he was sent to sea. The marriage only lasted five years. He says the marriage counselor said it was because they got married she got pregnant and he was gone. He said life at sea is difficult on families. It brought him great experiences but cost him something too. He and I both loved Jaques cousteau the difference is he lived it — funny ship thing going on here at the moment. He did the scuba snorkel coral reef work etc. Learned about weather. Environmental protection. He likes to work out at the gym. He likes to snow board. He is irreverant. He likes KEXP. We have been joking about our time together ie. we don’t know each other but 3 hours or 6 now we are 10.5 hours.
He doesn’t drink as he found drinking was an issue for him. He goes to an AA meeting every saturday and Sunday morning. He has a dog and a cat. He has a dogwalker. He is very quick witted and hard to keep up with sometimes. He drinks a lot of coffee and chews gum — Tiffany says this is an AA thing. He has been sober for 15 years. He doesn’t mind if I have a drink. I find myself ordering a glass of wine but not finishing it. Not because he is editing me — more because I am just having a good time.
I also know he met the guys from wild kingdom. He participated in the BP cleanup in the gulf and the Hurricaine Katrina cleanup. His current position is Director of Emergency Preparedness for Crowley Maritime. We are the same age. He says he would have nothing in common with a woman even as young as 50. I don’t know his relationship history and he knows I have just been divorced. We talked about Matthew and his fascination with guns. He teases me a lot about funny things. I like him because he is quick and curious and very interesting. He says he was engaged a couple of times. I asked him oh what happened. He said hour 88 or something. He asked why did I want to know — I said because its history I don’t need the details. He asked if I had a relationship since the split I said yes. We haven’t gone deeper than this.
He went to a catholic boys high school. He likes the SIFF. He likes electronic dance music. He likes to go to art galleries. and Museums. He said he would like to go to MOHAI. He lives up around shoreline or lake forest park. He has had his current position one year. The company is the largest american oil carrier. (Interesting oil connection) So far I feel a ton of chemistry for him. But I haven’t had the going slow convo or told him about the mastectomy.
He asked me if Matthew moved in with me after he dropped out of school. I said no. He wanted to know why and I said thats hour 144.
I am going to try and write down everything I can remember about Peter as I haven’t been taking notes.
Peter — 65 lives downtown in a nice condo, has a nice studio on capitol hill where he does metal and glass and wood work. Both places are very nicely finished and reflect a nice sense of style and attention to detail. Peter got a degree in Chemistry in Florida then went back to Oklahoma to work for his dad in the family oil business. He was in charge of land contracts and rights. I don’t know exactly what that means except that his three brothers also worked for his dad in varying capacities and they all had a share of the business. He was married for 22 years. He describes his ex wife as critical and manic depressive. She and he went to therapy from day one. He describes himself as a stoic who learned to be a feeling expressive man. He finally decided to get a divorce after 22 years as he said he thinks the therapy “took” with him. He joined a men’s group. He left tulsa at some point after the divorce to follow a girlfriend to seattle. His divorce took 6.5 years and went to the supreme court. He says his wife kept thinking every offer he made there must be more. He says the relationship with the girlfriend ended because she wanted them to be more of a “couple” all the time and that he has stuff he likes to do during the day and wasn’t really into doing everything together. He says that is one of the things he likes about me. He says he likes the fact that I am capable, not clingy, smart, he can take me anywhere, his kids would like me and he doesn’t have to worry that I need him to support me. (I guess I like the fact I don’t have to worry about supporting him) He is president of his HOA in his condo and takes it seriously, he does western swing dance classes on Monday and Thursday. Our first meeting was at Place Pigalle at the market on January 23. Then I think we went to dinner at Machiavelli on Capitol Hill. I uber downtown and meet him. Then the snow hit — so I managed to see him for lunch on the 13th of February before I went to Tucson. Then I met him on the 20th after I got back. Before that on some saturday must have been the 2nd we went to Serafina. On the 20th we went to georgetown for Mexican and I met him at his condo first as he wanted to show it to me. Then I went to dinner on the 24th at his house — He made a very nice dinner of steak, salad, scallopped potatoes and carrots, Some sort of pudding with raspberries for dessert. He was a good host. No music though. He has a hearing aid which he doesn’t wear. Then on the 27th I took him to a ply at the Rep and the pre show dinner a collections. Then we didn’t get together for a week because that next weekend the 2nd and 3rd of March I had a charity thing to attend on Saturday and then I had dinner with Matthew that Sunday. I saw Peter again on March 6 — again met him at his house and then we went to le pichet.
We had the “I am not going exclusive talk” on that March 6. He would prefer I put effort into the relationship to see if it will work. I told him I was going slow because I had gone fast and gotten serious and it hadn’t worked well. Then we were going to get together today on March 10th but neither of us had a plan and frankly I was tired of ubering into town. And because he is allergic to dogs, horses etc,. I couldn’t exactly invite him to my house for dinner etc as I don’t know whether he would have a sneezing attack or whatever happens. I had no energy for going downtown. I had plans with my girlfriend Ruth last night so I didn’t see him then although he had asked. I think he is feeling rather pessimistic about my getting together. Last week he asked if I was getting cold feet about seeing him. I said I wasn’t but there was a lot going on. He told me he wanted to see me at least twice a week. But then this week he has his stuff on Monday and Wednesday and goes to Portland Friday and Saturday. I have a meeting on Tuesday and I am taking my mom to the doctor on Thursday so our next planned rendezvous is Wednesday after his HOA meeting.
Some things I know. He has three children. Two boys and a girl. All in their thirties. Two are engaged one is married. I can’t remember how many brothers and sisters he has — six? His grandmother lived with them growing up and helped his mom. His dad had a ship (in oklahoma I am thinking) and went to sail the south seas after the kids were all through school. Evidently his dad had a companion who came forward after his dads death. Peter sailed in the south seas with his father but the companion was not around.
Peter also wanted to work with nuclear fusion, and went back to Princeton to get a graduate degree but only pursued it for a year after he saw that they didn’t get to play with cool toys.
He says he has had few relationships, His wife, His girlfriend. He doesn’t prefer to date a lot of women at a time.
He is very thoughtful considerate, made yak traks for me during the snow, is very flexible when I want to change plans or like today when both of us are stalled out he doesn’t take it personally .. I know he is disappointed but he says it his job to manage that.
March 1, 2019
I can’t believe I am putting in this note but I will so I don’t forget it.
So after the breakup noted below we did not see each other again until January 10 or so — we texted a bit around christmas — he dropped off a photo of us and the poems he wrote before christmas — I didn’t see him.
We got together and it was very teary. Very emotional He went home. He came back and we got physical. It was lovely. Then we went to breakfast with his kids? Unexpected but he wanted to give them their birthday photos. He paid for their breakfast and their partners but me he expected to pay.
I had something going on that night so he went home. Then he came back the next day. The he said he was making me dinner and he came over Wednesday. He made the weirdest lasagna I ever have heard of with chocolate and cream cheese. I couldn’t eat it — this was January 16th. He went home that night because I had an early meeting on the thursday morning. We talked about getting together over the weekend. Then Friday came and he wanted friday through Monday and I said how about we get together tomorrow and go to a movie and he said fine and then later he said he didn’t want to go to a movie. And I said nothing, And then he said if he could stay over he would go to a movie with me and have dinner. And I basically said seriously let’s skip getting together. I didn’t say let’s break up but that was the impact.
So then I think there were a few texts February came he went on a boat trip — I tried to figure out how I felt — we texted pretty neutrally until he came back into town. On February I instigated a telephone call with the intent to say hey we need to cut this texting out == it is neutral not going anywhere etc. Instead we had a really good phone conversation about an hour and a half and I remembered what I liked about him.
He pushed me for what I wanted. He said it was OK to say I was unsure. I said I was unsure. I had already asked him if he wanted to get together for breakfast Sunday and he said yes. Then Saturday morning he asked me to call him. He wanted to know what the objective was for getting together and I said I want to see you and continue the conversation. He said well if you don’t know what you want then I don’t want to get together. I tried to talk him out of it but nothing doing. we continued texting.
Then Sunday he told me to move on.
So Monday I called him and said ok seriously are we doing this — moving on? and we talked and he said we needed to try and decide if we wanted to really make it work.
And we both said ok we are afraid the other person is going to throw us over board.
and I asked him what would be different if we tried again because I didn’t want to end up here again,– he had no response which bugged me.
SO I said look we tried, I think we shoud move on,
Then he sent me a note telling me I would never find another guy like him etc etc etc etc
So Thursday I texted him and said ok I am insecure and all but if you are willing to try I am and his response was too much pain and damage had been done so NO. and I said what? You said Monday you wanted to try? and He said he never expected me to say yes. and I felt played for the benefit of his ego and idiotic and foolish.
I guess I tend to second guess myself a lot after these dates which I need to work on. I rerun the conversation in my head and try to score myself. I let him order what sounded good. I ordered my own cocktail — a manhattan He asked me if I made them for myself at home. I said I had the ingredients but no I don’t — I like getting them out. He is interested in wine and I mentioned I was thinking of studying for the sommelier exam and found out he has done that. It felt like we shared a lot of the same interests. He made the comment that he was around musicians all the time and that is why he didn’t want to get involved with a musician – I guess I am not a professional musician so that makes me ok. I was really trying to be myself and it didn’t feel awful at the time but since I am thinking so much about it I really think I am way too focused on this dating thing and whether these people like me or not.
December 12,2018
Met Rob for first time at Loulay. we had a good texting dialogue. When we met we were both on time. He had made a reservation. I had confirmed with him earlier in the day that we were meeting for wine and he responded that he had thought we would have dinner or at least a few bites. So I responded that a few bites sounded great and that I was glad I checked in with him.
We were seated. We had a nice conversation over two drinks and two bites. He was very interesting in that he has arranged music for Hollywood movies, traveled with different symphonies and is very involved in his current job as the “librarian” as an interface between the conductor and the musicians changing music notes etc. I learned that you actually have to audition for the role of librarian not only by playing your instrument — his is the clarinet but also a written and oral test on music history theory etc. You have to know quite a bit.
I found out he was married once for seven years. The reason they got divorced was that she was in Europe half the time and he said he had to ask what were they doing. He asked me how long I had been divorced. I made the comment that we signed the agreement in May and that we separated two and a half years ago. I said we basically grew apart and my ex thought there was more — he asked if my ex had someone waiting in the wings and I said yes. I made the comment that it was all very cliche and a bit embarrassing and he said “we don’t ever need to apologize for being sincere” which I thought was an interesting comment.
Somehow Match came up and he has only been on the site for two months — I said I had been on and off a year and a half — he said “No keepers”?” which actually made me feel a bit like a failure for a moment (note to self I need to work on my self talk) and I said there were a couple relationships but not the right one. He said he had been on two months and met three people (I thought this was pretty good) I told him I had a dating coach to help me get back into the swing of dating after being off the market for 30 years — he thought that was a weird idea as I said no the dating coach doesn’t match you or screen profiles — I said basically the dating coach gave me practical advice on how to approach it as well as helped me figure out what I was looking for.
The guy had impeccable manners and was a total gentleman. He was a little shorter than me. I felt zero spark although I liked talking with him. He texted me it was nice to meet me after we left. I don’t know if that means — the end or if I will hear from him again. It seemed a little formal after our flowing texts previous to meeting. I texted him back that I had a nice time and I appreciated him treating me.
I really did appreciate meeting someone who picked up the check. I think he would be nice to go out with but I don’t sense he is going to ask me out again.
Pat and I connected on Match. He is 63. a retired lawyer. He suggested a phone call before meeting. I have not done that before as I think I have a phone allergy but I did it. I am glad I did.
Turns out he has been divorced 18 years — in two three year relationships since. Becky and Angie. Guy wasn’t shy about naming names. The phone conversation lasted an hour surprisingly enough — longer than my coffee date with Brian. He has two daughters in and out of college. The kicker with him is he developed rhematoid arthritis and had to go on disability about 20 years ago. He started the conversation telling me about his visit that day to the doctor and how he had his elbow drained. Seriously. I said holy cow no way is this guy for me.
Well I was trying to write this above. Brian had real potential but I played it wrong. I wasn’t myself. And I think he found it all confusing. So I haven’t heard from him two weeks later and my lesson learned is next time stay in your body and listen to yourself. Be yourself. Don’t pay attention to silly you tube videos or articles that tell you how to behave. There were so many questions I could have asked him but I didn’t. Lesson learned.
Well believe it or not it is November 30th and I still receive the occasional text or request to talk. Occasionally I want to talk but I fear it won’t turn out well so I don’t. It is taking a lot of just ignoring the situation to try and move past it. Sometimes I want to give it another shot. Sometimes that seems crazy.
Well obviously a lot happened between that last note and this note.
RIP Chris
Rather than recount what happened let me just say what happened at the end.
He overacted blamed me made me wrong and made it all about money. Saying I had no appreciation for what really matters. Holy heck. Not only did he blame me — he had to repeat the attacks over a week. Softening one minute saying let’s get together and then blaming if the time didn’t work for me. Hopeful one minute despondent the next he not only kept me off balance by the end he made me feel horrible about myself.
The red flags really were there before we ever met:
He posted a topless shot. I have a rule about any guy who flexes his pecs — not classy.
He didn’t ask too many questions at first or seem to be very clued in about my profile.
When asked about past relationships and why they didn’t work — the first was he stopped being attracted to his wife as she gained weight; the second was the rest were vague and unclear — but somehow the pattern emerged that always there was something wrong with the woman. She stopped communicating, she withdrew, she didn’t like sex etc. The next bunch of red flags was his need to be with me from friday night to Monday morning. His using my washing machine without asking just to do a quick load of wash. His desire to split not only the check but monitor what I ordered so it wasn’t a lot for him to split. His desire to use my car half the time. However he didn’t regard what he used of mine. He did buy coffee.
I liked that he liked to walk. I projected a lot of my desires on him — he was romantic he wrote poems he was a mariner he knew how to fix things he knew how to navigate by the stars — it was a perfect projection and I ran with it. He was my Heathcliff. The sex was great. everything was great until I said hey let’s do something different like go to a movie. He wanted to come to my house walk get breakfast make something for dinner (i.e. me make something or we make something super simple) watch tv — rinse repeat. I was getting bored. I tried to get him to do some things I liked — such as going to the play or maybe a movie — he was obviously put out. He was super jealous. I told him about my friends and what I did with them. He would ask are you on a date? I told him over and over I was not a cheater. but he kept doing it. when I finally talked about our income lifestyle discrepancy he acted like he was listening but then would attack me with it later. I didn’t run when I found out he lived in a RV and I was willing to give it a chance. But as soon as I started asking for what I wanted in a more direct way, or saying hey can we go to a dinner at a nicer place and I will pay ; as soon as he was getting home at 10:00 and I said let’s just not get together and get together tomorrow he got angry and then he was petulant and angry for about three weeks. Until he got really annoyed and broke up with me. Because all I cared about is money. But it was really that I didn’t want him here Friday thru Monday and then Tuesday and Wednesday. He felt hurt by my not wanting to be together all the time. He felt angry that I wanted to do more things than watch American Ninja warrior or walk and eat breakfast. I felt like I had sold myself too cheaply. He was attacking and blaming and mean at the end– abusive insulting rude. It was a rude awakening.
August 9
So Chris and I met three weeks ago — and we have had 9 dates — all of the dates involved a walk of some sort. Dinner except one was breakfast.
I am sort of surprised by how much I like being with him. It doesn’t seem to matter that much what we are doing. In fact most of the time we are talking –He came to my house for the first time a week ago and we had the whole make-out session which ended up with us dancing in my kitchen.
The next time he came over it was pretty obvious he thought we were going to “seal the deal” so I had to explain hmmm not yet. It was awkward for me because both of my previous more than 5 date things has involved the guy wanting to be exclusive– Chris was not voicing this so I had to state — that for me I needed to be exclusive and since it was too soon to be exclusive it was too soon to take our clothes off. He suggested we just sleep together without taking it further and I said “Hmmm I’ve seen this movie too — that’s not happening”
He came back the next day to watch the blue angels and we had a great day doing really nothing. I like the way he just does stuff but is not intrusive. He doesn’t dig thru my refrigerator like Alec did.but he takes Willow out without my asking saying “Mom keeps you tied up let’s go outside” He does this when I am doing something like changing clothes or whatever. We decided to cook dinner, went to the store bought the stuff cooked it, ate it outside — I find I am very flexible. I was puzzled why I never cooked with Alec — I cooked for him but not with him. With Chris it was just as if I wanted to put the effort into it. It wasn’t complicated. We just did it. We watched a movie on TV — Love Actually — he cried alot which the movie makes me cry but not as much as it made him cry. Anyway, that night he wanted to stay and every time we got a little closer to my actually stating “if we sleep together I will want to be exclusive and we don’t know each other well enough. Also I said, you are leaving for a month and if I sleep with you I will torture myself wondering what you are up to.” It actually took me until two days later to actually get all of that out. I kept hinting at it. But it was hard to actually say. I asked him stuff like “are you a friends with benefits kind of guy” which he said no. But it took me until the night before he left to just really be clear. And that’s only after asking Jen, my therapist, myself a million times what did I want to do. I really wanted to “make love” or whatever you call it — everyone calls it something different, but I didn’t want to wreck things by going too fast too soon. So I basically he was saying sex was a big deal for him and he wanted to see if we were compatible which I get but he also gets there are other elements of being intimate. And frankly, I told him I wanted to but let’s see how we both felt when he returned from this boating trip.
So anyway I think a lot of things are really nice — such as the saturday night after the blue angels he really wanted to stay and he said something bratty when he left and he admitted that he was just not happy about it but that he was being a brat. And then he told me to let him know if I wanted to get together sunday or Monday. Well Matthew came up Sunday so I texted him that I would like to get together Monday. And I suffered with my son!
But he sent me texts asking how it was going etc. Then he told me when he goes to sea he has cell coverage sometimes but it goes out when he goes too far off shore and he would tell me when that was going to happen. And then he gave me a website and the name of the boat and told me I could track him. Which made me laugh because when Steve would go out of town he often wouldn’t even tell me where he was staying or anything and here is this guy saying you can track me.
He told me he felt weird leaving as he had not felt this way about anybody for a long time. And I told him I was happy to hear that because I felt so weird I was thinking of making him cookies and I haven’t wanted to make anybody cookies in about 35 years.
So chris and I met for the first time at Carillon Park in Kirkland at 10:30 for a coffee date. But we both showed up early so it started at 10:00
I was sitting on a bench listening to music and making notes in my phone and he walked up. He was cuter in person and right away I thought Yeah! He is very fit — not muscle bound just fit — he is the same age as me. He has an earring — a small tiny silver or gold ? I can’t remember dot. in one ear. I thought of course he is a yacht captain — kind of a pirate.
The conversation was easy. Somethings I knew already from our chats but other things I didn’t . For example, married twice. First time at 21 and divorced when the kids (twin boy and girl) were four. But this came up after we talked about his kids of whom he is very proud, daughter is a biologist married to a physics guy also in hi tech research. The son does music and just got engaged. But this came up because when he spoke I noticed that it was the same voice that is on his poetry on line page — so we talked about the poems and about how his son had helped him do a cd and wrote the music for the cd etc. He does these as gifts not to make money. When I asked why he got the divorce he got out his phone and said I will show you. And he showed me a family photo. He and the children’s mother (he doesn’t like the word ex) are still friends and do celebrations etc together — however she was very overweight in the picture. He said she started gaining weight and he has always been very active and he wanted her to be active and she didn’t and he wanted to be attracted to the person he was etc etc so they got a divorce. (so this I took as a yellow or red or item of interest as I don’t know that I would divorce someone because they lost their size — welll I know I wouldn’t because steve at one point was very out of shape and heavy) and then he told me got married a second time to a woman five years older who had two children living with her in their late 20’s. She saw him as her savior. He helped her with the kids but the marriage only lasted one year and a half because she didn’t like the tough love approach with her son. (another note I took — hmm emotionally unavailable)
So he said at this point he took a break from dating to figure out what he wanted and what he needed in a relationship. I asked him what he needed and he laughed and said he wasn’t sure and I said well what do you want and he said he was still working on it. and then I asked how do you like match. to be continued….
July 9, 2018
Jen won’t believe this when she reads it. Alec and I had broken up March. Jen had identified how Alec had controlling and manipulative behaviors. and guess what Leslie went back.
So after about three weeks apart we got back together first as friends then as not friends but the relationship was difficult after about a week and a half. He needed to find a new place as his short term lease was running out on Mercer Island so he had me going to all these places he was looking at because of course I would be visiting him wherever he ended up.
He ended up in a nice spot on Meydenbauer bay in Bellevue in a six unit singles complex with a dock. Beautfiul sport . He moved in on June 1 and thats when I felt like he shifted gears. I couldn’t put my finger on it — maybe he got to Bellevue and saw lots of other convenient within walking distance women. All I know if one day he would be loving and the next day not and one day we would have fun and the next minute he would be pouting.
He brought up the problems we had of no sex and the money differential. we talked about it. We did the sex thing — yes Jen I know. I wanted to see what would happen and I wanted to cross that bridge. Well the sex was good I thought. But then he told me “well I did not expect that and I need to sit with it and see how I feel about moving forward” So for 24 hours he was quiet. Then he told me he had decided he wanted me in his life and he wasn’t going to hold it hostage for sex even though the sex was great etcetc. So I thought ok let’s see what happens but then we got together four nights in a row — two with other people and ended up not having sex at which he got really pouty. So the next day I told him that I thought we needed to talk about expectations and he said “There is nothing wrong with my communication. When you figure out what you want let me know” Well I felt dumped. So I went quiet. and then I was nonresponsive for about 5 days — then I told him how that comment affected me and how I felt he wasn’t listening to me. and we got back together for a day.. All was lovely for 24 hours then he attacked me for not responding quickly enough to text messages and how it felt like I was going to leave again with out notice. Then we got together for the fourth of July which I thought went find but it was at a party and because of circumstances there was again not a sexual situation. So the next morning he attacked me and said I was always questioning him and eroding his self confidence, that he was having lunch with his old girlfriend dana but he couldn’t tell me because of how I would react and that since I was so committed to developing a life maybe I should just go do that.
Now I had invited him to dinner for thursday night. So after this attack I tried to call him. He didn’t pick up. Then I asked him to call and he said no because he was already feeling insecure and talking to me would make it worse. And I asked if we were still on for dinner and I got no response. and I asked would Friday be better and he said he had plans Friday.
Well to speed up this story i finally said that I didn’t understand how we had agreed to not argue over text, that I didn’t know where this attack was coming from and his non-response was really a response. If he was not saying yes he was saying no. I said maybe you are just picking a fight with me to break up. and I said you know we argue over nothing and I feel defensive and wrong and it is exhausting. So I said let’s call it done. And he agreed. And then he said he had met someone else the previous week. and etc etc. And I couldn’t believe I had been played and cheated on again. He said over the course of many email over the next four days things like “he knew I didn’t want a relationship with him” which I called him on, then he said ” I must be relieved and I told him no I was not relieved” I said I had trusted him to not lie to me and he had lied to my face. He had told me he loved me four days earlier, forced it out of me all the while with one foot out the door knowing he didn’t want to be exclusive any longer. Hmmm part of me wonders if I was just bad in bed. Part of me wonders if he was always looking. Part of me feels like the right thing was to leave the first time and I hope I don’t repeat this pattern.
Well first I am gong to summarize what has happened since December.
We met four times before December 27 — the first time at Bennets for a glass of wine.The second time we went swing dancing and ate at Oddfellows — Then we went to a christmas concert at Benaroya
Good grief I have not written a note since December 28. That seems impossible.
The thing I am wondering is what is this thing with guys writing books and self publishing them? All Tom could talk about is that he had all this great economic theory to write down and had written down. Then Alec comes along and he too is full of ideas and self published books. The difference is I like Alec’s books better.
18 times not counting when we met in July — that was twice so 20 total but the first two don’t count
OK so now it is November 11
Since the last note we have been out
On the 25th we went out on Mercer Island and I talked to him about the correction thing and the drinking thing — and he was really flexible about it and apologetic
on the 27th we went out to a party and then to sun liquor and to omega — he was pretty open to all my suggestiongs
I made him lasagna on the 29th.
On Halloween he wanted me to come over to his house —
On November 4 we went to the movie and out for a drink
No November 5 he came over we ordered pizzA
No November 9 we went to the symphony and to wild giner
On November 10th he came to my house for dinner — he liked the lasagna better than what I made this time — he likes spicy food I am gathering
On November 11 we are going to his friends birthday party
I am trying to figure out how many times we have gone out — i think about 18 times all together.
I am going to add some red flags to notice: one, he seems to like to correct my pronunciation of words which bugs me. He has said if he notices anything “wrong” with me he will be sure to let me know. He has told me I talk too loud if I have more than once glass of wine ? (which frankly I think I could be or I could not be because maybe I think the restaurant is loud?) but I am curious if he is kidding or if this is how he is establishing dominance. Also, he does not express a lot a curiosity about me or what I have done and I think it is about time he did some of that. I have done a lot of that.
And as I told my therapist — I am going to have to ask him to put a lid on the economics and see if there is a conversation other than economics or golf or why he is right about everything?
The other thing he has said he likes me because I am cute but feminine and smart. He said there are plenty of smart Microsoft women but they are not very feminine. He makes me feel like I am wrapped in a warm blanket. I like him because he is compassionate about his friends and family. He shared a video with me about his mother. He is very close to his family. He cares about people and not just things.
So as of today we have only been seeing each other for 5 weeks about twice or less a week. That is not very long for how involved I feel. So that tells me I need a little more perspective.
I have tickets for the rep next weekend and invited him and he is going with me. Then the following weekend I am going to Hawaii. So not much will happen as this week Matthew is around and I need to make that a priority.
I am just hoping he doesn’t forget me when I go to Hawaii.
So I guess our dating time line goes like this:
Met July 10th
Had Dinner July 13 — decided not interested
Then re-contacted him sometime in August in a weak moment
Then we went to dinner again at the below described terrible Mexican restaurant on September 6
Then I went to his house for a BBQ on September 22 — originally scheduled for previous weekend but I got sick
Then the following Wednesday September 27 we went out — I am trying to remember what we did — I think that was when we went to the Oyster and Champagne room for dinner up around the U — it was a real date ie he picked me up
Then he went on a guys golfing trip for Thursday thru Sunday
Then I went out with him October 3 Tuesday night for a movie
Then I had him over for dinner at my place on October 7 ( all mentioned above)
Then this last week we went to the woodside braseth gallery on Thursday night and went to Voila for dinner — we had a great time October 12
Then October 14 last night we went out to Wild Ginger in Bellevue for dinner — and he came and had drinks at my house first
So this is so far what I like about him — he appreciates how I dress but he also appreciates my opinion
More importantly when I feel uncomfortable about something I can bring it up and he does not react defensively. For example:
Earlier this week he asked me on Tuesday to go out on Saturday (last night)
Then Friday he said well I am playing golf on Saturday so how about since 520 is closed I come by your house around 530 and then we get a casual dinner on Mercer Island and then watch a movie at your place.
Well I was surprised because he had asked me out on a date. And Matthew was coming home on Saturday and I had deliberately chosen not to go to my mother’s on Saturday to see Matthew and instead stay around for this date. But then it didn’t feel like I date. So on Saturday I called him up and said hey you know asked me out on a date but then you said you were going to come by after golf and we would get some casual dinner on Mercer Island (which I had already said more than once has no decent place to eat) and then watch TV at my house — and I said I will be a lot more fun to be with if I understand how you got to that place because when you asked me out on a date I wasn’t thinking TV at my house. I said we did that last week. And he said hey you know I am not a really good planner and not too good at this date think. And I said I don’t know you put together a pretty great date on Thursday night and he said he thought the dinner was the date and he really didn’t care where we went and what we did the important part was to get together. He said the problem is that he starts thinking of stuff to do and it takes away from the person and at the stage we are in he thought it would be better than a movie. And I said what stage are we in ? and he said the getting to know each other stage. So I said well I like to go to Wild ginger in Bellevue. And he said well that sounds great and by the way I brought a change of clothes so I am not showing up in my golf clothes etc.
So the important thing is that I brought something up and he didn’t get defensive or attack me or anything — we just talked about it.
Then later that night I asked him what a relationship looked like to him obviously for future rerefence– and he said well it meant being exclusive obviously, and that you would spend maybe 5 nights out of 7 together and there might even be sex.
And when he came I was pretty exasperated due to the events of the week meaning — stuff with the divorce, Matthew, the house etc. And I said ok this is Leslie agitated over stuff. And he let me vent and that was fine. And then we went on with the evening. We made cocktails — I told him I couldn’t wait for him to get here because I was so exasperated I really needed the drink but I didn’t want to start without him. And so he made the cocktails and listened to what I was bugged about.
Then we talked for about an hour and a half, then went to dinner had fun. and he came back — came in for just a few minutes and left around 11:00.
The sex thing is going to be interesting. I asked him what he had meant when he said the sex wasn’t very good with his last partner. And (this is embarrassing to type) he said well when he had difficulty getting an erection she was not interested in helping out. And I said helping out how? (Now I am red) and he said well you know action involving the mouth ! Seriously. But what I like about it is how matter of fact he is. He is not embarrassed it seems to be to say hey I have this issue.
Now I also asked him something like did I seem different than other women that had dated a lot — since I am so new to this. And he actually said yes. (which surprised me because I thought I was all sophisticated) But he said women he had dated that had dated a lot had all these things about how things were supposed to go and I seemed pretty free of all that.
So at this point I am just casually looking at Match to see if anything super compelling pops up. And seeing where this goes.
well so this is really an update — first after a month — I contacted Tom and said hey maybe I was too hard on you do you want tot get together for dinner.
He said sure.
We met at a terrible Mexican place — this guy has a knack for finding the worst places in town. Then he wanted to split the bill and since I had asked him I just picked up the check.
Then he asked me over to his place for a BBQ — Yes this is the BBQ guy.
So when I kind of questioned coming to his house so soon he replied I didn’t have to worry about him ravaging me because he had prostate cancer last year and so sex for him was an unpredictable proposition. Some times you get too much information. He said he liked to have people over because it was more personal and casual than a restaurant and he liked to BBQ and I would know a lot more about him by seeing his place.
So I went. Not expecting much. And it was really a bad BBQ but I had a lot of fun.
So then we went out to dinner then next week at a good restaurant.
And then we went to a movie
And then I had him over for dinner at my house.
So I am at the point where I need to ask some of those questions that are in the section about before exclusivity etc. I could use some coaching on this because I look at them and then they escape me or I don’t know how to work them into the conversation.
Also I have never dealt with a guy with prostate issues. Plus I like kissing him. So something is going to have to give. I also wonder if he is too old because although he is cute and lively he is 66. and I swear there is a big different between just 60 and 66.
two new notes:
First before I took Matthew back to school David and I met and I talked to him about getting to know each other better. So I said hey why don’t we try doing something different other than dinner and drinks. I had been talking to him every day on the phone. But it was light airy stuff . I felt like we got along well like too gossipy women. I thought he was really too old for me — since he is going to be 70 but I thought well let’s try something else.
His response was great idea — let’s go to the paramount or something and then get a room downtown. He said we had to share the room but we didn’t have to have sex. I said David seriously why would we get a room — he said so we wouldn’t have to drive. I said “you know I am familiar with Uber” Anyway we left it like that. Me thinking about his proposal/.
I returned from taking Matthew to school on Wednesday. He texted me on Saturday and said “I feel like I am putting a whole lot into this relationship and not getting much back from you. “” So I said”
I hear you saying you feel like you are putting a whole lot into this and not getting much back. I am sorry you feel that way.” Then he said ” I think too much of myself to allow this to go on. “
Ok, Fine.
Then just this last Saturday about one month later he calls me (September 30) He and I have this great phone call and then I say well I have to go and he says “hey I want to tell you the reason I said what I said before is that you had to always have things your way.” I was stunned. But I wasn’t going to debate it. I figured the whole thing was he wanted sex and I was taking it slow and perhaps it was never going to happen (most likely) with him. But I had thought maybe we could be friends. But no.
So then he said well this is a bad way to end a good call and I just said catch you later.
also he made a weird comment at the end of our date/meeting — saying I had the type of body he found attractive (and I am making it sound less awkward than it was at the time) because a lot of the women are well fat. I just didn’t know what to say. He said well I meant that as a compliment but it didn’t come out right. Awkward.
Ok I met Jim the samurai for lunch. I was a little scattered because a) I had driven because it was lunch b) I was trying to follow the GPS and Steves assistant called and I got off at the wrong exit. When I got there he wasn’t there . Then he sent me a note saying he was outside enjoying the air. I said well I am at the restaurant. He came in. He was way cuter than I remembered. I talked a whole lot — He asked me if I had ADD I said no. He said maybe you do because you are sure jumping around. He said he had ADD. I said I remember. I said well if you had the week I had you would be a little scattered too. He asked me if I liked Japanese food, I said I liked tempura — raw fish not so much. He put his head on the table. I thought we had a great time. Then he had to walk me to my car and give me a hug and then kiss me. Just a peck. I don’t know do men find out something from a peck. I liked him a lot but I didn’t see stars. Anyway he said this was great can we do it again and I said sure. And he said you will go out on a date with me? And I said if you call me you will see me.
Meaning yes ask me out. So he left.. I sent him a text thanking him lunch making a joke about having add perhaps and said enjoy the day. I heard nada nothing zilch. Then two days later I remember him talking about his sons dog being sick with a hematoma and so I sent another text saying I forgot to mention I am really sorry about your son’s dog and I hope he pulls through — he answered promptly about the dog thanking me explaining the situation etc. But nothing about our date or seeing each other again.
I like this guy. But he may just be too busy or not interested. He complimented me on my top during lunch. That is a positive I assume
Went to dinner last night — all was fine until the end where he disclosed that he had used my phone number and done a reverse look up and had investigated my address, my husbands business, my house address, my birthday, my age, etc etc etc. I was so shocked and felt personally violated.
I told him that I had given him my number as a courtesy and because I had thought I could trust him but felt personally violated by his digging into everything about me. He said that was only smart and that I should do the same thing. Made me seriously consider deleting permanently my match profile
I won’t see him again.
we met for coffee He is handsome. Talks very fast. Makes jokes. Asked me about why my marriage ended. I said we realized we had different values. He asked if steve cheated and I said yes. And he said see I am already better than him I wouldn’t cheat I don’t understand it.
Anyway, we had coffee — He joked about we couldn’t meet in his neighborhood because he might run into someone he knew. He joked about it should always be a coffee date because a wine date could be too long you might need to make a quick get away. I asked him if my time was up and he said he wanted to keep talking if I had time we took a little walk. He asked for my number and I said I would send it to him. Instead when I got home I sent him a message asking him to message me if he wanted to get together again.
So David is separated and not really interested in a long term relationship at this point. And even if he were and I were ready my basic thought is he is too old for me. He is going to be 70 in November. He is fun and I like to talk to him but I can’t see it getting more involved than that.
We talked about him pushing my boundaries around physicality. He said that he was sorry and in the future if I was interested in something I would have to make the first move.
So David and I had our Saturday night date for dinner and it was fun. We went to Barolo.
Then the following Saturday we went to copine in Ballard. He told me my outfit was unflattering. Then he wanted to have a make out session on the couch so I could make up for giving him such a peck of a good night kiss the week before. I told him that wasn’t happening.
Questions For Tom for Date 8:
Questions About His Life Currently:
1) What does a happy life look like to you? Why does that make you happy?
2) What makes you anxious? Why?
3) What do you care most about? Why?
Questions About His Past Relationships:
1) What went well in your past relationships?
2) What have you always wanted in a women that you haven’t come across? Why do you think you haven’t found it?
3) What were your parents like when you were young?
4) Tell me more about the key relationships from your past. What were some positive things about them? What did they make you realize about yourself? What was missing for you?
5) What do you think will be different in your future relationships?
Total prince charming.
This is my first note.
This is a new note.
This is the first note. Things are incredible!
New NOTE!!
New Note today. You won’t believe what happened!!
This is my first Note
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new note today
New Note Jan 13
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New Note 2
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this is prince charming 2
this is prince charming 2
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first note for prince charming