1:A Admin View

March 4, 2015

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. 1’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

4’s reaction:

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING OR I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY. 7’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

10’s reaction:

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. 13’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

16’s reaction:

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. 19’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

22’s reaction:

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. 25’s response:

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

28’s reaction:

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. 31’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

34’s reaction:

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. 37’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

40’s reaction:

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. 1’s response:

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

‘s reaction: How I reacted to my caregiver in return: 2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING OR I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. mother’s response:

I recall my mom’s first reaction being pretty dramatic and serious with a “What’s wrong?! What happened?!”. If I ever was crying and it wasn’t in regards to a fight I had with her or someone in my family, my mom was very quick to console and find out what was wrong. Based on what I said the situation was she would respond in a “don’t cry..you don’t need to cry about that. stop being so stupid (but in a gentle/funny way)”.She didn’t imply that I was being stupid, but I think it was her way to help me snap out of it. We never dissected the problem though or analyzed. I don’t recall being given strategies for how to problem solve these instances.

It is really hard though to recall these moments. Because as a kid, I don’t remember going to my mom for any of these things. I feel like I have gone to her more as an adult, but not when I was a kid. And it’s not like I wasn’t teased or picked on or had my feelings hurt by friends in some ways. I just can’t recall confiding in my mom about these things. Maybe I was afraid she would pass judgments on my friends? Or wouldn’t like them anymore? Or would see them differently? And I didn’t want that to happen? But I don’t remember having heart to hearts with her about these things. Which in retrospective, I wish I did. I don’t know why I was so shy, or reluctant? I think she could have provided me some really good wisdom, but for some reason I didn’t feel comfortable speaking to her.

In fact, the more I reflect on this, the more I can feel myself tensing up as a kid if I had to go to my mom with any of these problems. Maybe I didn’t think she would understand? Or maybe I didn’t think she could relate? Or maybe I just felt that she would be too judgmental or opinionated?

Side note: This is making thinking about how I react when people express emotion or are upset – I feel that sometimes my reactions can be sort of cold. I don’t think anyone would construe it that way, because on the outside I feel that I show all the signs of compassion and concern. But hugging someone to comfort them I am recalling does not always come easy for me. At times I almost feel unemotional for that person.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

My mom’s response – if I did come to her with this type of problem – would at times make me feel better or at times would just make me feel indifferent.

So one recent example comes to mind – is when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend David (and this was in 2009). I just couldn’t hold back my emotions and my mom was so mad at him for hurting me (or at least she thought he had hurt me) and I remember finding solace in her reaction. It felt like she was truly on my side (for one of the first times when it came to relationships) and it felt good. So even though she was super dramatic and upset – her response was like that because she was so hurt for me and so sad that I was so upset. So that reaction actually made me feel better in the moment. But of course, all I really wanted her to say was “it’s going to be okay, and you’ll meet someone else” – but that she didn’t say. It was more to “what a jerk; how could he waste your time like this?” And maybe that’s why I never truly went to her for help or advice with these personal type of problems -because I never felt that she could truly give me the advice that I needed.

mother’s reaction:

My mother’s reaction would be really upset or angry if I was badly hurt or sad. Her face would tense up and she would be super dramatic and expressive. I feel like she at times may have blown things out of proportion or just gotten so angry – that she would raise her voice. I almost recall from my brother’s experencies – that she may have made comments like “how could you let them take advantage of you? “they’re not good friends” “why would you let that happen?” For some reason, I’m slightly remembering her responding more to my brother than me. But in thinking about this – this doesn’t’ seem like it would have felt like a safe place to go if you are upset or sad. I think I probably needed just comfort and support and someone to say “it’s going to be okay”. And those words I don’t remember really hearing.

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

I think my reaction was to not really tell her. Or just try to calm her down when she got so dramatic.

My mother’s response would usually be to raise her voice and at times yell to “stop”. If it had to do with my brother, she would lots of times say “your the older sister – you should be giving him a good example” or “stop fighting, you should be friends”. My mother was also pressing on the idea of how much she wanted us to be friends and to have a close relationship, because she didn’t have that type of relationship with her brothers.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I don’t recall having positive responses from these reactions. I guess the positive reaction, is I would stop most likely.

mother and father’s reaction:

My mom’s reaction action was always super dramatic. I can picture one of us doing something or telling her something, and her facial expressions completely changing, and her immediate reaction would be to raise her voice and say something to the effect of “What’s wrong?!” or “What’s wrong with you?”” I don’t recall feeling calm reactions from her in moments of high stress.

My dad’s response was to complete yell and overreact. My dad, while a super passive and chill person, was never good at reacting in high tense situations. His natural reaction would have been to start screaming and telling us to stop. My family in general, were yellers and screamers when we were growing up.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

If I am recalling correctly, I think my reaction may have been to both parents, to start yelling back. We were definitely yellers in our family growing up (including my grandma). Intact, I remember in my teenage years, we would have family meetings and my mom would talk about the way we all react and all yell and how we need to work on changing that (and she would always include herself in those conversations). So it’s interesting, in that my mom knew that her reactions were not always appropriate- but in all honesty, even though we had those meetings, I don’t recall the behaviors changing that much.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. mother and father’s response:

Both my parents response was to comfort me. My dad would probably say something like “don’t be scared..it’s nothing” and would laugh afterwards (in a sweet way). My mom would also react with more of a similar response to the effect of “it’s fine,it’s just a movie”. I’m thinking my dad’s response was a bit more endearing or heartfelt.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

It made me feel better for sure. I would say I felt feelings such as “safeness and comfort”. I think it’s also good to point out that they didn’t ignore what I said or didn’t dismiss my feelings. They would always respond to what I was feeling.

mother and father’s reaction:

I really don’t recall any negative reactions to this type of scenario. I feel like they were generally positive. Intact, as I child I was actually really scared. I slept with a night light for many years; my parents told me when I was a baby I would scream if the TV was on (apparently I was scared of the TV) – but they always reacted and responded in comforting and supportive ways. I don’t recall them making me feel dumb or stupid for feeling these feelings of fear.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I reacted positively – based on what I said above.

4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. mother’s response:

This scenario doesn’t really apply to me. I don’t recall ever being in one of these scenarios. For me it was always the opposite – my mom was always very much into appearance – looking presentable. And not in a snobby way. More from the angle, that it’s important to take care of yourself physically. For example: she would always talk to me about my skin and how important it was to take care of it. She would take me to get facials or I would go to the dermatologist if I had acne, etc. I would get regular hair cuts, etc.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I always knew when my mom nagged me about these things that it came from a place of true caring and wanting the best for me. I definitely didn’t appreciate it then, as I do now. I actually see myself picking up on these habits now as an adult.

mother’s reaction:

Using the example I presented above (in regards to physical appearance) – my mother’s reaction at times felt like she was nagging me all the time. She wouldn’t stop. And would keep bringing up the same thing until I actually did something about it.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I would get really annoyed and frustrated – I may argue with her or just say “I know mom. Okay, I know.” The more she nagged me about it, the more annoyed it made me feel. Because when she had a point, she would keep bringing it up over and over again – so eventually you just have to do it.

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. mother and father’s response:

My parents both would be extremely happy for me. My mother would respond with positive affirmations “that’s so great” “good job” “see what you can do”.

My dad would respond with similar affirmations such as “good job”, etc.

I can picture both of them with this beaming and happy face.

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

Both of their reactions made me feel great. I always couldn’t wait to come home or call them and tell them about something positive that I got from school. I also knew they would be so happy to hear it and that just made me happy.

mother and father’s reaction:

They really didn’t have any negative reactions to these type of instances.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. mother’s response:

School and homework was never an issue for me. I was always really good about doing these things. My mom really never had to get on me in regards to school work.

Chores was something that I wasn’t as diligent about. I don’t recall positive responses -it was more like you need to do this now.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Don’t really recall the positive responses

mother’s reaction:

When it came to chores – she would be very firm, and would yell at me at times in regards to not doing what I was suppose to be doing. Or if it wasn’t yelling, she would raise her voice and get on me until I did it.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I found it extremely annoying and frustrating. I wonder if my mom may have approached it in a calmer way, maybe my reaction would have been “okay, let me just to it”. But the yelling I think just turned me off from all of it. And didn’t make me want to do it more – I think it just aggravated and frustrated leif anything.

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. father’s response:

My father’s initial reaction may have been to yell or react in that way, but he would quickly say something like “Yelena, what did you do? Clean it up quickly” and it would be forgotten about as quickly as it happened.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

So if something like this happened infront of my dad – I would feel like that’s okay and I wouldn’t be scared at all. My dad is super clumsy and did these things a lot- so that may have also helped in the way I would have reacted.

mother and grandmother’s reaction:

I am including both my mother and grandmother in this because I remember both of their reactions so vividly.

If I would spill or drop/break anything they would immediately react with “How could you do that?” “you are so clumsy” “you need to be more careful.”I felt a sense of disappointment and judgment from them. And it’s something that I have carried with myself over the years, where those same feelings rise up if I find myself in similar situations. I actually recall a couple of years ago -I was with my mom at her home and I spilled or broke something. And I recall immediatly clenching up and expecting a similar reaction. My mom’s response was “It’s okay, let’s clean it up”. I was shocked and I said to her “when i was a kid you never would have said that.” And she said “well i didn’t and shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when you were a kid”

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I would feel really stupid, angry at myself. In some ways, it would make me feel nervous and a bit inadequate.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. Stepmother’s’s response:

My brother and I got lost in the parking garage at Seattle Center when we were with my Dad and Stepmom. It was so scary and remember feeling so happy when I saw my Dad after being lost for what seemed like and eternity. My stepmother looked very angry but didn’t say anything.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Felt like I was bad.

Father’s’s reaction:

The first thing he did was spanked both of us. I silently cried all the way home.

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

I felt like he was going to be so happy to see us and was not expecting to get in trouble. I remember being so sad and holding my cotton candy all the way home. He took us to our mom’s house but I don’t know if that was planned or not.

I don’t recall raising my voice as a child. so weird.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. Mother’s response:

I told you not to watch that

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Felt like it was my fault that was I was afraid. I initiated (begged) to be allowed to go to the movie so it was my fault that I was now scared.

Father’s’s reaction:

was to yell at my brothers who were terrifying me pretending to be the Boogie Man. My father was passed out drunk on the couch and my mother was not there. My dad was very angry, I think at all of us.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

The boys got in trouble but I don’t remember my dad saying anything or comforting me.

4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. Father’s’s response:

Walk away

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I felt unloved

Stepmother’s’s reaction:

Was to tell me I was acting like a spoiled brat and then walk away

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I felt immobilized and unloved

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. Father’s’s response:

When I was in 9th grade I sang a solo at Parent Night. My father was so proud of me (the earliest memory I have of him being proud) I looked at him the whole time, I was so happy he was there and I could tell he was happy.

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

I felt so happy that he was there (didn’t always come to those things since the divorce). I felt a connection with him that I had never had before.

Mother’s’s reaction:

My mother was not happy that I looked at my dad the whole time. She hated any attention I gave him because he didn’t deserve it (in her eyes) it was always a competition.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I felt like I need to not share and/or hide my feelings toward my father (the good ones anyway).

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. ‘s response:

I don’t recall not doing what I was supposed to. Not sure if I was not help accountable or what.

I don’t remember my mother doing anything

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

She didn’t stick up for me.

Father’s’s reaction:

Made me stand outside on the front porch.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I just remember standing there looking at my family. To this day I wonder if it was a dream.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. mother’s response:

You shouldn’t take that so seriously.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Like my sadness was inappropriate or that my feeling was not valid.

mother’s reaction:

I am sure they did not mean to hurt you. They were just teasing — that is just what people do. You can’t let it bother you.

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

I was quiet.

Don’t yell or get angry. That is not how you get things. It is not a ladylike thing to do to yell. You are ugly when you yell. No one will like you if you yell.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

That no one liked me. and that it wasn’t ok to yell I felt ashamed.

father’s reaction:

We won’t have any yelling. You two will get along and we will have no more of that.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I was quiet.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. mother’s response:

There is nothing to be afraid of. It is just a show. It is not real. You know better than that.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I was scared and it didn’t help for them to tell me there was nothing to be afraid of. I felt like they didn’t understand how I felt.

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. mother’s response:

That is great. Now get going with your homework

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

Like it was nothing special to bring home high grades or get awards because it happened all the time. In fact I felt like I was supposed to bring them home.

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. mother’s response:

You did that on purpose because you were not being careful.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

hurt because it was an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose

mother’s reaction:

My mother was angry with me.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I had no reaction other than to feel bad.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. mother’s response:

Nothing–because I wouldn’t have talked about it.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I really can’t recall. I was always self-contained and independent, as far as I remember.

father’s reaction:

same

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

same

She would probably ignore me or be irritated,

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

It’s going back so very far…I just think I thought it was normal.

father’s reaction:

He was more of a peacemaker–he probably would try to comfort me or fix the situation.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I really don’t remember.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. mother’s response:

Hard to recall…I think she was pretty tolerant of my fears but I don’t recall her trying to comfort me particularly

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

okay I guess

father’s reaction:

He would have been more comforting and perhaps more physically affectionate

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

positively

I remember that I used to scream when my mother washed my hair. I’m not sure why. She used to tell me stories so that I’d stop and listen instead of scream.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

father”s reaction:

I don’t recall.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I don’t recall

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. mother’s response:

Happy for me, praise

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

proud

father’s reaction:

Happy for me, praise

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

proud

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. mother’s response:

No response. I always got up, and I took care of what needed to be taken care of.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

father’s reaction:

same of above

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. mother’s response:

irritation, possibly scolding

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

sorry

father’s reaction:

more tolerant

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

sorry

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. Mom’s response:

I was being socially rejected by my peers. There was a sort of group think mentality and I was the target. Children chanted hateful things at me. I felt profoundly alone and rejected, humiliated and embarrassed and there was nothing I could do to stop it, so I just took it. This happened twice, the first time I was 8 or 9 and the next time I was in my mid-teens (14-15). I tried to talk to my mom about it. Her response was caring, but patronizing, and extremely superficial. Not much content or depth in her response.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I felt isolated, alone, afraid, and utterly helpless to impact the situation in anyway.

‘s reaction: How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

I pulled back, knowing I couldn’t count on her.

My sister and I fought a lot, too many times, to think of one instance in particular. My mom would often say that I’m the older one and should know better. (I was 2 years older)

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Invisible. My sister being younger was extremely effective in provoking fights with me and was often the catalyst for our violent interactions, so when my mom would express that I should know better, I felt like she’s wasn’t willing to address the whole picture. In addition, her unwillingness to help us resolve conflict and find peace was a kind of rejection.

Mom’s reaction:

When I tried to solicit understanding and support, she was dismissive.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I got angry and lashed out verbally, frustrated at the unfairness, cried, and walked away.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. Mom’s response:

Brief soothing and telling me to settle down.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Briefly seen.

Mom’s reaction:

She would do this quickly and then leave the room.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

Over time, I wouldn’t ask for help because the consequences weren’t great.

4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. Mom’s response:

This was never a scenario, but getting clothes I didn’t like and always getting certain colors, my mom would dismiss my sadness, and basically tell me to suck it up.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Unimportant

Mom’s reaction:

She expressed that I was acting childish and should get over it.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

Withdrawn and sad.

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. Mom’s response:

Good job.

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

Invisible

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

Not much of a reaction externally. Mostly just a walking away physically/emotionally.

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. Mom’s response:

She would express frustration and toss up her hands.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

like I was a burden.

Mom’s reaction:

She would walk away and complain about me/us as she was departing the room.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I would turn away.

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. Dad’s response:

Anger and violence

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Frightened

Dad’s reaction:

Spanking and/or yelling

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

Resigned.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. Moms’s response:

Very caring. Assuring everything would be ok.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Loved. Important. Everything would be ok.

moms’s reaction:

very sincere heartfelt.

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

Do not remember

If something made me angry my mom would try to make everything better

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Loved. I would go to my mom when I felt like I needed someone

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. mom,’s response:

Everything would be ok

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Good

Very loving etc.

Dad – Get over it.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Both parents were very good to me. My mom was more loving etc. My dad worked a lot so I was definitely with my mom more.

My Dad was great but did not show emotions as much as my mom. I would talk to my mom over my dad if something was on my mind.

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. mom’s response:

Very happy. Congratulations etc

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

Good

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. mom’s response:

Very loving etc. – My mom would not get mad very easily at me.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Good

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. mom’s response:

Everything is ok.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

Good

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. mom’s response:

Cared about me, acted concerned, took it as her own problem

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

loved, cared for

‘s reaction: How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

loved her

disciplined me?

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

angry but now glad she did

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. mom’s response:

also proud, supportive

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

happy and proud

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. mom’s response:

not let me get away with it, ensured i did the work

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: Mom and Dad’s reaction:

My emotions and behavior were commented on “do you cry every day”, “Desiree is so emotional”

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

I felt like I was uncontrollable. That I couldn’t control my emotions and something must be wrong with me

“Desiree’s cracking the whip” or “Desiree’s the older bossy sister”, again not addressing any of the reasons behind the behavior.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. Mom’s response:

I don’t remember. I think she must have said things that would comfort me?

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I’m surprised by how little of the specifics of any of these I remember.

“that’s good” or something that didn’t really feel like it was that significant, or that it was a big success.

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

I felt like I could never be good enough or get his approval.

Mom’s reaction:

I remember very little about my mother’s reactions to my happiness.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I felt like I was never good enough in basically all ways with my dad and I felt like my mom didn’t really have the bandwidth to be that interested.

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. ‘s response: How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel: Mom’s reaction:

She would “let me have the last word” and said that she knew I would come around and do the tasks but I liked to talk back.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I did like to have the last word but I feel like she didn’t really parent in a way with very many (if any) rules/boundaries.

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. Mom’s response:

I don’t really remember.. probably didn’t make a big deal about it.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

I don’t remember.

‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. Mother’s response:

was busy

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

ignored

mothers’s reaction:

indifference or very dramatic

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

I pulled away from her

told me it didn’t matter and to be the bigger person

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

that my desires were not important

Mother’s reaction:

was to shame me for wanting things

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

I pretended not to want

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. Father’s response:

tease me

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

foolish

father’s reaction:

made me feel ashamed

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

never shared my fears again

4. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES OR I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES. sdfsdf’s response:

sdfsdf

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

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dfsdf’s reaction:

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How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

sdfsf

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. sdfsdf’s response:

sdfsdf

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

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sdfsdf’s reaction:

sdfsdf

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

sdfsdf

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. sdfsdf’s response:

sdfsdf

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

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sfdsdf’s reaction:

sfsf

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

sdfdsf

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. sfdsf’s response:

sdfsdf

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

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sfsdf’s reaction:

dsfsdf

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

sdfsdfafafa

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME. mom’s’s response:

she would express sympathy, but would also say something positive about learning life lessons. She would also make sure that we made time to pray about it (which was often not helpful)

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

i felt like she would listen, but make me feel like i should just “buck up” and learn to deal with it.

father’s reaction:

Dad was accessible and in tune with what was going on but left me alone unless i asked for help. like mom, he was always looking for the bright side and the learning. no drama allowed but always listening and figuring out what to do next

How I reacted to my caregiver in return:

i felt like i could reliably talk with my dad, but like mom neither allowed wallowing in emotion or drama, so i believe i learned to just deal and move through the issue to a solution.
i think this taught me a level of independence and stoicism. i felt loved, but i knew that dramatic emotions would get an eye roll

she would try to figure out what happened, but would also didn’t tolerate not following the rules / norms so if you did something in correct and my sister would yell it was expected that i fixed it, no talking back. Also wasn’t extreme punishment because it wasn’t really needed – i learned to just follow the rules or hide the activity. in some cases if tears of frustration were involved she would also start crying and sometimes leave the room/conversation.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

some times frustrated that she would get so mad that she would cry and “make it worse”. i think the long term effect was that i learned to avoid conflict with her.

father’s’s reaction:

tough luck. you get what you get and you don’t through a fit. he would then ask a bunch of questions to help you think through what you needed to do to get what you want. If you broke something you had to fix it.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

for the most part it was entirely fair and useful training to think through your consequences. i also learned that dad wasn’t a terribly emotional guy, when it came to “stuff” as stuff was just stuff.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK OR BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV. mom’s response:

she would try to comfort

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

for the most part i felt safe and protected

dad’s reaction:

comfort as well, but through conversation about why do you think you felt that way

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

i learned to talk through emotion that came from fear and think through what i was going to do about it. he was always calm and didn’t get flustered at anything and i learned that panic doesn’t help.

she was pretty tough luck too – like Dad. we were very middle class and no one around us had a lot more either, so it wasn’t that hard to say “save your pennies”

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

i learned quickly not to act like a spoiled brat.

dad’s reaction:

tough luck. “when you earn your own money you can have what you want” this is what is available for you now how are you going to deal with it

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

i learned to be creative to figure out how to deal. i didn’t feel entitled

5. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD OR SCORING THE WINNING RUN. mom’s response:

happy and proud

How my caregiver’s response made me feel:

she was very encouraging and loving, but not over the top braggy… that was not done.

dad’s reaction:

happy and proud as well. Both parents were very encouraging and made me believe that i could achieve what i set my mind to

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

i feel like i had very encouraging and supportive parents. They always treated me fairly, attended everything and made me feel good about my choices.

6. I WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK OR DO MY CHORES. parents’s response:

it wasn’t really a choice. it was an expectation. you had to have a pretty serious rationale for not doing what was expected. mom worried excessively and both would use that as a way to make me feel like i harming her by making her worry too much

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

this biggest issue for me was curfew and rules that felt arbitrary and i didn’t feel compelled to comply. i couldn’t find a way to care very much for these types of rules and that certainly lives on today.

parents’s reaction:

they couldn’t understand why i didn’t care about the rules but ultimately there wasn’t significant punishment because i was still able to play by the rules and that seemed to be ok. they would just act disappointed in my choices.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

i didn’t really change my behavior, but i would try a little harder for a period of time and then just keep doing what i would do

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING OR SPILLED MY MILK. parents’s response:

usually there was immediate disappointment, but then depending on the circumstance we would talk through what to do next. never seriously emotional or angry responses.

How my caregiver’s response/support made me feel:

i generally knew when i was in trouble so it was almost like just knowing that they were disappointed was enough to make me feel bad

parent’s reaction:

they knew that shame was the way to get me do punishment was really necessary.

How I reacted in return to my caregiver:

i would try to get through the episode as quickly as possible so that i could do something else.

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THE SEVEN STEPS TO LOVE