1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
1’s response:2
How I felt about their response(s)/support:3
4’s reaction:5
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
7’s response:8
How I felt about their response(s)/support:9
10’s reaction:11
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):12
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
13’s response:14
How I felt about their response(s)/support:15
16’s reaction:17
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):18
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
19’s response:20
How I felt about their response(s)/support:21
22’s reaction:23
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):24
5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
25’s response:26
How I felt about their response(s)/support:27
28’s reaction:29
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):30
6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
31’s response:32
How I felt about their response(s):33
34’s reaction:35
How I reacted in return to my partners:36
7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
37’s response:38
How I felt about their response(s)/support:39
40’s reaction:41
How I reacted in response to my partner(s):42
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
2’s response:2
How I felt about their response(s)/support:2
2’s reaction:2
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):2
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
2’s response:2
How I felt about their response(s)/support:2
2’s reaction:2
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):2
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s): ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partners:7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in response to my partner(s):1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
David’s response:David was extremely comforting and supportive. He would stop everything and listen to me and what I was feeling. And after listening, he would have given me advice on what I can do about the situation. He would sit there with me or talk on the phone with me and talk me through it for as long as I needed. If we were in person, he would hug me or take my hand and really try to comfort me with body language. On the phone, he would tell me that I am a great person and I shouldn’t feel dumb or inadequate for what has happened. And he would tell me he loves me.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I felt great. I always knew I could go to David for anything. He was so extremely supportive and I always felt that he had my back. I felt a sense of safety knowing that I had someone who truly got me and was on my side.
Kevin’s reaction:Kevin was my boyfriend in college. It is a bit more difficult to recall what he would have done in this scenario. But I don’t feel like he would have been as comforting. I can see him consoling me and trying to make me feel better, but not to the same extent as David (as I described above). I don’t think he would have spent as much time talking about it. And I’m not sure how safe I felt going to Kevin with this type of problem, definitely not to the same level as I felt safe approaching David. And it’s not like Kevin would have not listened as well – I just felt more insecure around him. I was so in love with him and I never felt we are are on the same plane (I always felt I was more into him than he was into me). With David, it was the exact opposite – which probably explains why I felt so comfortable going to him, because I had the security in the relationship that I needed.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Difficult to recall – because I don’t really remember going to him with these type of problems. Maybe they were more surface issues – but I feel like I recall talking more to him about his stuff than mine per se.
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
David’s response:David would feel extremely bad and he would be super apologetic. Almost to an annoying level (just too many apologies). He would communicate how sorry he was almost to a fault. And he would listen to my side and probably not repeat the same pattern again.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I would be appreciative of his response. However, I also feel at times that I took advantage of his sincerity and apologizing nature. I knew with David that I could push him pretty far. So if he messed up – I could make him feel really bad about it. I felt that I had that type of power or control in the relationship. And because of that, and because he allowed me to do that a lot, I think I really took advantage of that. So in some instances, even if the incident may have been minor, I can recall starting a fight or argument about it – just because I could (or maybe it was more to see how far I could really push him?)
Kevin’s reaction:Kevin was very honest – so he would probably admit to it. I actually recall a scenario where we were lying in bed and he was telling me about this girl in his class (this is in college) that he felt this desire to want to sit by. And I remember completely freezing and getting so upset. And I asked him if he felt he may have feelings for her (or something to that effect). And his response was something to the effect of he wasn’t sure or didn’t know. Instead of trying to comfort me and say “absolutely not”-he was really honest about it. I think that is a pretty good depiction of how he was in general.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):In this situation, I just felt so sad and upset. I also felt super insecure (pretty much for most of the relationship) – so him telling me this only added to my feelings of insecurity. I do recall feeing really sad and just scared of losing him. And I remember feeling these feelings a lot. There were multiple instances that if we got into an argument or dispute – even if he was probably wrong, I found myself being the apologetic one or trying to make the situation better.
In this particular instance, I didn’t really express that I was upset or that what he said made me feel sad and insecure. I think I was probably afraid that if I did say something – he might leave or it may turn him away from me, or it may validate already what I was feeling.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
David’s response:David would tell me that that is not going to happen. That I am smart and that there are things I can do. He would take more of a logical practical approach and help me problem solve a scenario like this. In other words, he would help me come up with some type of action plan.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:His response made me feel comforted, secure, and overall I just felt better – again, knowing that he had my back and was there for me.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
David’s response:While this scenario really never came up – I do think David would have been okay with how I was feeling. I feel like he would have understood and said “that’s okay”. One thing this does make me think about is – even if he wasn’t 100% okay with my response or not wanting to go to one of these events, he probably wouldn’t have communicated that to me in the moment. I feel like it would come up later and then I would learn that that actually may have bothered or upset him.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I of course would have appreciated the response, but I think I probably would have felt really guilty too for not going and probably would have just done it, even if I wasn’t up for it.
If I did find out later that he was upset about something, but didn’t communicate it to me in the moment – I think my reaction would have been to probably get upset at him for not communicating what he was feeling at the time.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
David’s response:David would be elated for me and would celebrate in my joy and happiness. If I was happy or expressed happiness, he would respond in that way back.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I loved how happy he would be for me for my happiness. I always looked forward to telling him these kind of things because I know he would have responded in such a positive way.
Kevin’s reaction:Hard to recall what his reaction would be. I feel like he would have been positive, but not to the same extent as David.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
David’s response:This scenario makes me think about moments when I would get upset at David for things that happened in his life (ie. not standing up to his parents, putting work at times in front of my needs, not taking care of himself physically). When these things would come up – depending on the situation – he would be apologetic or he would get upset. Not upset in regards to trying to start an argument would me – but it would be obvious that he would be upset and would need time process whatever I just said. So if he understood where I was coming from he would respond with “Your right..I have to do something about that”. If he didn’t understand he would probably shut down and not talk for a bit.
How I felt about their response(s):When he agreed with where I was coming from, I felt good – that he was getting it.
David’s reaction:If he didn’t agree with what I said, he would shut down for a bit and ask for some space.
How I reacted in return to my partners:When he would shut down- I would in a way become more clingy. It was hard for me to have him shut down – I would get worried that I upset him. At times I remember even feeling this dramatic response of “he’s going to break up with me..I’ve pushed him too far this time.” And that would create more anxiety for me. It’s hard to exactly recall, but I feel like in these instances, instead of giving him the space, I would keep trying to press him to talk. I wanted to smooth things over right away – it was hard for me to just wait. I basically wanted things to be better right away. I think I probably apologized a lot too -to try to smooth it over.
In addition, if he continued to resist talking about it – I recall a couple of times just getting angry and mad at him – I don’t think I truly understood what he needed to do to process things.
7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
David’s response:David would be super understanding and I don’t recall him ever getting mad at me for any of these situations.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Felt good – again comforted by his reaction
Tim’s reaction:Tim (first guy I dated in Seattle for 2 months) – I recall being at his place and washing a pot that shouldn’t have been washed and he snapped at me and said “I told you this can’t be washed.”
How I reacted in response to my partner(s):I was shocked..I didn’t say anything but “I’m sorry, I confused it with a different pot”. But it really bothered me how he reacted to something as minor as that.
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
Steve’s response:My mother kicked me out of her house. I came home and told him what happened. He was surprised then I went in my room and shut the door. He left me alone.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I didn’t care at that point, just wanted to be left alone.
Steve’s reaction:He talked to my mom and told her to give me some space
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):I appreciated it
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
Rich’s response:Sent flowers to his office assistant for Valentine’s Day but didn’t get me anything.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I go so angry
Rich’s reaction:He said he did it to be nice and that it didn’t mean he had feelings for her.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):I packed my bags and left him. I think I was waiting for an excuse to leave as I was pretty unhappy and that worked. Sad now that I think about it.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
Steve’s response:I was very upset because my son just told me he had taken a bunch of pills. This was right when I got home from work and I woke my husband up and told him I called 911 and they would be coming.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:He was not support at all.
Steve’s reaction:he jumped up and started yelling at Jack. I was horrified.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):I was going to follow the ambulance to the hospital (he didn’t offer to come) and I said, your son is in a crisis and you start yelling at him. Who does that? and I left.
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
Steve’s response:Didn’t say anything
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Didn’t care (the relationship was pretty much dead by then).
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
Steve’s response:He would get happy when I was happy.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Felt like I had done something good.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
Steve’s response:He did whatever he wanted to do. Didn’t care about being intoxicated in front of the family.
How I felt about their response(s):Didn’t do or say anything. Just ignored it the best I could or left.
Steve’s reaction:He didn’t care what other people thought.
How I reacted in return to my partners:I was silent.
7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
Ex’s’s response:I got a speeding ticket the week after I lost my brother. He was not sympathetic
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I was angry
Ex’s reaction:He said, “I’m not surprised”
How I reacted in response to my partner(s):I hung up on him.
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
Steve’s response:Your mother is always being critical of you. That is what she does. You should not pay any attention to her.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:It depends. Sometimes I felt like I was being dismissed because that is what my mother did so therefore it shouldn’t bother me. Sometimes I agreed and went on. Sometimes I felt hurt because I felt like they were not paying attention to what was really bothering me about the criticism. Such as if I had worked hard to buy something special and my mother complained about it. I wanted someone to realize and say I had worked really hard and to appreciate my effort.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):I went along with what they said.
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
Steve’s response:a) flirted with another woman — I was not flirting she is just my friend. Can’t I have ffriends who are women? Why are you so insecure?
b) lied about something important — there was no need to tell you — I had it handled. I didn’t really lie to you I just didn’t tell you that we were about to have a tax lien put on our house.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:a) silly or stupid like I was over-reacting
b) angry because I felt we were partners and I should know these things —
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):I was always trying to modify my behavior even when what they said didn’t make sense.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
Steve’s response:a) might not have enough money to retire — that is a long way from now or we are fine or something like that
b) child’s attitude was negative — you shouldn’t let it bother you ignore it and it will go away
c) aging parents needed more care — hmm what are you going to do about that
totally not listened to
totally no supported
I was looking for someone to help me problem solve but I never seemed to get anywhere — if I pushed it he shut down or we got in an argument.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
Steve’s response:we made a commitment and we are going because we don’t break commitments — that would be rude, it would hurt their feelings, it was not polite, I couldn’t be that tired
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Like it never mattered how I felt about anything. Therefore I started resisting making plans because I knew once I said yes to something I could never change my mind or not want to do it. The plans were always more important that how I felt about them. Steve in turn would make me feel flaky or wishy washy or discount it if I said I didn’t feel well by saying something like you just don’t want to go.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
Steve’s response:Whenever I got a raise or promotion it was never a big deal for Steve However if he closed a deal it was always a very big deal
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I started to feel like he did not think my job was important or valuable or that my performance or promotions mattered because the money increases were so much smaller than the money he dealt with.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s): ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partners:7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
Steve’s response:He usually didn’t have a response– this never bothered him.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I guess ok? I guess if I felt bad about hitting another car I might have liked him to say — that must have made you feel bad or something. Usually he would say — we will just pay for this so it does not affect our insurance. But if he got in traffic accidents or tickets I would listen to him talk all about it. I guess he didn’t want to hear me talk about it and that probably bothered me.
‘s reaction: How I reacted in response to my partner(s):1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
Ric’s response:Your being too sensitive or a sort of detached soothing behavior – hugging without empathy.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Both like was being overly sensitive and that I was not being heard or supported for legitimate feelings.
Ric’s reaction:Intellectualized and diminish my feelings.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Frustration and fear.
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
Ric’s response:That my feelings had nothing to do with his behavior, it was all about me.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Like I was being told that I was overreacting.
Ric’s reaction:Belittling my thoughts and feelings.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Angry, hurt, and more clingy.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
Ric’s response:Whatever.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:That he was unwilling to look to the future for us and didn’t really care about what trajectory my life was taking.
Ric’s reaction:Withdraw
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Validation seeking behavior and then withdraw and then attempting to reconnect.
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
Ric’s response:That there was always something wrong.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Worried that that may be true and that I was being too dramatic.
Ric’s reaction:Language and attitude utterly lacking in compassion or support. Very dismissive.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Sadness and accommodation to his desire.
5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
Ric’s response:It was never enough or my attention to celebrate something so “insignificant” was ill placed and not really worthy.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Sad, dejected
Ric’s reaction:That I put value on worthless things.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Less than.
6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
Ric’s response:“I don’t care what other people thing” Implication – you shouldn’t either.
How I felt about their response(s):Confused and frustrated.
Ric’s reaction:Flat affect/uncaring
How I reacted in return to my partners:Angry and resigned
7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
Ric’s response:Disdain
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Embarrassed.
Ric’s reaction:Contempt
How I reacted in response to my partner(s):Sad and angry
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
A’s’s response:She would be very loving. Everything is going to be ok. Look at the big picture.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Everything was going to be ok. I had someone that loved me no matter what.
A’s’s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
A’s’s response:Never made a embarrassing remark about me. She did not tell me what was going on which is the first time I have ever felt betrayed by her.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Horrible. Like someone had took a knife to my heart
A’s reaction:Upset with me that I didn’t say something sooner. Mix of emotions – mad at me, sad etc
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Very sad at the situation – Mix of Emotions – Very sad, Angry, Disbelief etc
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
‘s response:NA
How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
A’s response:She would understand.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Good. I felt like she always had my back
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
A’s response:Very excited. She would want to celebrate. Make me feel important
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Good
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):Thanked her. Let her know I appreciated it.
6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
A’s response:The only time I would feel uncomfortable is when we first started dating and she would get confused when their were a couple different conversation going on and she could not follow them.
I don’t thing we ever talked about this situation.
How I felt about their response(s): ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partners:7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
a’s response:Understanding if I ever was behind schedule etc as long as I let her know.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Good
‘s reaction: How I reacted in response to my partner(s):1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
Sean’s response:tried to listen by tried to solve
How I felt about their response(s)/support:like he didn’t get me
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):angry
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
Sean’s response:first lied, then apologized and said he would be different but eventually repeated his behavior
How I felt about their response(s)/support:betrayed, embarassed in myself, let down, angry
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):angry
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
Sean’s response:go to eaurope and not call. say he cared but not show up the way i hoped he would. listened but didn’t take any actions to help
How I felt about their response(s)/support:abandoned, lonely
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):angry, broke up
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
Sean’s response:ok
How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
Seans’s response:celebrated with me
How I felt about their response(s)/support:liked it
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
seans’s response:apologize and do it nominally less next time
How I felt about their response(s):frustrated
‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partners:7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
sean’s response:fussed at me
How I felt about their response(s)/support:embarassed
‘s reaction: How I reacted in response to my partner(s):1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
Greg’s response:He would listen to me talk about whatever was bothering me without judgement. Sometimes give advice but mostly listen.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:Good. I always felt like he was good at listening, gave good advice and I looked forward to talking to him about things that were bothering me.
William’s reaction:He would listen to me and I think offer advice.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
Greg’s response:He immediately told me he had done the thing, and he knew he shouldn’t have and then listened to me tell him what bothered me about it.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I felt that he heard me, and talked with me about it even though it was not the easiest conversation to have. I felt heard and not bothered by the situation after our interaction about it.
William’s reaction:I remember W not thinking I was smart, or disagreeing with me about things that were important to me (eating healthy).
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):My reaction would to be upset but to also assume he was right and give over my power to him.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
Greg’s response:Understood my worries/anxiety about financial security and would listen to my venting about the situation, would provide a calm/reasonable approach that encouraged looking at the situation and thinking about a solution.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I felt like he supported me in theory and was always there to listen but I would have to put the plan into action (felt like I was doing all of that alone). But his kind, non-judgemental support was good and I liked that.
William’s reaction:Was good with my anxiety about money, would listen and helped implement a plan.
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):The plan and doing it together with him felt helpful.
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
Greg’s response:For the most part he would be understanding of this, and would be fine with going by himself. Sometimes with his college friends he would say things about how I didn’t like his friends.
How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
Greg’s response:He would be excited and happy for me. He would say “yay baby yay”
How I felt about their response(s)/support:I felt good about it.
William’s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
Greg’s response:I don’t remember ever feeling ashamed by him. Maybe if he was dressed really sloppy I would say something unkind to him. He would either get mad at me and say something about it, or not engage in much of a response, or he would say he would do better next time.
How I felt about their response(s):Frustrated because it didn’t feel like he really got my feelings.
William’s reaction:He would say things and I would feel embarrassed, so even though he was smart his common sense was not there, and I would feel embarrassed for him.
How I reacted in return to my partners:I might try to answer for W, and internally wish he was different.
7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
Greg’s response:He might call and be worried, or a little frustrated that he couldn’t find me, but he would take in stride and be understanding.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:It felt good.
William’s reaction:He would have been concerned about my well being and would have been happy to know I was ok.
How I reacted in response to my partner(s):I felt like these were appropriate responses.
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK OR MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN).
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OR MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME.
matt’s response:i wasn’t getting what i needed after telling you that i have needed, so i did it and i’m not sorry about it because it finally allowed me to tell the truth about how i’ve been lying about my life.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:blindsided – i didn’t remember explicit conversations about this need and or repeated conversations.
gaslighted – it someone turned into my fault that he cheated because all of the things that i had done to hurt him.
disbelief – how could i be so dumb to not see it, if this has really been going on for years
im sorry i hurt you, but this is what i want
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):tried to understand and change his mind, realized i would never change his mind and stopped trying
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, OR THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE.
matt’s response: How I felt about their response(s)/support: ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partner(s):4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER OR COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES.
matt’s response:we never go to anything which makes us super uncool.
How I felt about their response(s)/support:defensive that it doesn’t matter what other people think
‘s reaction:ultimately he used this against me that i never wanted to hang out with his coworkers and drink and thats what he thought would make him a part of the IN crowd. It was all about being popular and a part of the cool crowd
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):i didn’t feel like it was an argument i could win because he was determined that i was dead wrong and therefore dead weight. He needed to dump me for someone else who would provide the arm candy that he needed.
5. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, OR FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE.
matt’s response:i believe he was genuinely happy for me, but i’ve come to learn that it really was all about how it positioned him for want he wanted
How I felt about their response(s)/support:at the time, i felt supported. in retrospect it didn’t matter what i was happy about if it didn’t meet his needs, which nothing about me did. he did what was expected of him to be seen as the good guy which was his ultimate goal
‘s reaction:if his praise of me for an accomplishment didn’t result in what he wanted, he became more and more resentful. he didn’t talk about it, he decided that he’d tried and i didn’t hear/help/do anything about it, so he changed his life
How I reacted in return to my partner(s):i apparently was oblivious. i didn’t know the depths of the deceit that was going on around me.
6. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, OR MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL.
‘s response: How I felt about their response(s): ‘s reaction: How I reacted in return to my partners:7. I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, OR WAS LATE MEETING HIM BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC.
matt’s response:he was calm because he loves to be the hero and fix the situation
How I felt about their response(s)/support:it was a mix between grateful for the help, but never like being “schooled”. it always felt like it was important that he be seen as the savior of the situation and didn’t understand if you didn’t require his help.
‘s reaction:i always balked at being treated like i was a helpless. he hated that i wasn’t grateful enough or whatever.
How I reacted in response to my partner(s):i tended to be sarcastic and let him know that i didn’t need to be taught like a child. he never understood or could understand why