ADMIN VIEW Journal

by formidable

what am I looking for anyway` June 14, 2019 at 5:06 pm

What am I looking for anyway? This is a very good philosophical question and I think it is not at all logical.

I can write down a love relationship plan. I can put myself on a pedestal but once again I took myself off too soon for Jim. And now we have the undoing.

It is better to not do anything than to do something too soon.

Discouraged` December 12, 2018 at 5:35 pm

I see there are a lot of people on Match. Lots of pretty women. Lots of men–not so pretty. I don’t know if I need to rewrite my profile — I think I do. I think I might want to say something about what I have learned.But I don’t want it to come across as a complaint. What have I learned? I have learned that I am intellectually curious and need a lot of active interchange with life and with whoever a potential partner might be. I’ve learned that I am generous and I need someone who is also generous with their time, their spirit, their money, their love. I need someone who likes to do a lot of things — I don’t need to do everything with them. I have many passions I would like to explore. I have learned that it is very hard to communicate authentically with someone else. I have learned that at this point in my life I have preferences that are hard to give up. I have learned I can be very affectionate and sexual and that it takes more than that for me to be happy. And at the same time that closeness is what I miss most. The everyday being with somebody who you trust and who you think about and who thinks about you.

I have learned that there is so much to match up on — income, style of living, looks, how you travel, how you live and I have seen compromises are necessary but so far I have done all the compromising. This is depressing to me. It is depressing to get so close that you can taste it but not have the dream realized. And to feel like you are running out of time or that people are going to dismiss you because of your age or something you write. SO I think that in addition to re-writing my profile I need to get over my broken heart.and find something to do that fills me with excitement. To start cooking gourmet dinners for me or maybe just inviting the neighbors over. I planned Christmas today with my mom and I said Mom let’s cook the big dinner just like we used to for us. We can cook all our traditional dishes and who cares that there is no one there but you and me. We can do it for us. I am very sad to be without a partner but then everyone ends up alone at some point. Somebody dies first. Someone leaves. Someone changes their mind. How in the world can I possibly think that at this point in my life I would find someone to love me? I just think it is outside the realm of possibility.

Sometimes I am tempted to have Chris come back just because. I am tempted because something was better than nothing. And I hate to say it the sex was really great. I liked being close to him. And I hated it that I felt like he didn’t care about what I cared about and that he wasn’t generous or I think even honest about his money. I hated it that I had a romantic notion, fell into it and then he went away or I sent him away — makes no difference. It didn’t come true. I hate that it didn’t come true. And I have to get over that broken heart feeling.

I am too focused on this dating thing December 12, 2018 at 1:35 pm

As much as I hate to admit it — I am too focused on this dating thing — too focused on finding the right guy — too concerned about whether they like me or not. This has to stop. I don’t know whether I just take my profile down for a month as an experiment in not dating so that I can focus on other things or let it stay there.

I think I should take it down until the end of January. Come up with a list of goals and say screw it for the time being. I need to have more confidence. And it is obvious from what I am writing I don’t have enough of the confidence I need. I know I looked great at the date, I know I am smart and I don’t know why I feel like I am trying to get every guy to fall in love with me. Frankly I don’t think Rob is the guy — he is just a nice guy. who is interesting to talk to. I am sure there are other nice guys who are interesting to talk to and I am going to need to work on my own self talk so that I don’t invest so much in a date.

as far as my desired behaviors November 9, 2018 at 6:49 pm

1. Chris was hard to plan because he never suggested much == it was all on me to be the entertaining hostess of the year — he made me guess on days to get together and I always got it wrong
2. He wasn’t willing to explore my interests with me although I explored his interests with him
3. He was deceptive — i.e. didn’t disclose he had a female crew and b. he was resentful of my not wanting him here 5 out of 7 days.
4. He didn’t listen to anything I said.
5. He projected this romantic notion on me and then said I had no values just because I wanted to do a couple nice things. He was the saint for being poor and I was the sinner for having more money.
6. I tried to end it well — and actually he killed me. Attack atttack attack like a hammerhead shark.
7. He introduced me to his kids, talked about our future led me down the primrose path only to be silently resentful and judgmental.

RIP Chris and its hard to spot the bad behavior November 9, 2018 at 6:43 pm

Wow looking back I can see the red flags — what I think is that I was so hurt by Alec that I said well I am going to give what appears like a really nice guy a chance. When we met he was funny and sweet and smart. I liked that he had talked about values. But as I look at the behaviors before I see that in the beginning I was super accomodating just because I liked him. And he made nice suggestions so I went with it. But he tried to control me by not telling me his expectations, by asking what day I wanted to get together but never suggesting an activity. Showing up at my house early even when I told him when I would be home. Like I will be at home by 330 and him showing up at 300 and waiting around. Me telling him I would like for you to come more like 430 and him saying is another night better? Me telling him I wanted the time to change before him came over Him saying what if we end up living together Me saying we are not living together at the moment and him still coming over and me having to rush around and get ready since he is standing on my porch. He getting pissed when I bring it up. He getting pissed when I say hey if you are going to use the laundry then please just ask don’t just do it. He getting pissed that I say hey if you are not getting in until 10:00 then let’s get together tomorrow. He wanted to spend all his time with me and then getting annoyed that I didn’t want that. It was actually worse than Alec.

I think I need a dating break.

October 21st Ready to Start Dating again October 21, 2018 at 6:56 am

The summer and the start of my dating experience was a success in that I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, and a lot of experiences that showed me what I do and do not want.

Now I’m feeling ready to jump back in with a little different perspective and way of going about it and I’m excited to see how it goes!

Love relationship plan August 13, 2018 at 4:53 pm

Hmmmm

I read my love relationship plan. And I was surprised that it included most of the behaviors I am looking for. What I think is interesting is I spent so much time in a relationship with Alec when he was exhibiting behaviors that didn’t match my plan but somehow I thought they did because he cloaked them with the right words. for example, he said he loved me but his actions were not loving. He said things didn’t matter but he was in reality upset. He said he was honest and would not cheat but aha he did.

The behaviors I am looking for August 9, 2018 at 6:40 pm

Wow I can not believe I have not written in here for 8 months….So based on Jen’s advice here is a list of the behaviors I did not like with Alec and the corresponding positive behavior I am looking for.

1.Controlling behaviors and the Positive Behaviors are Being open about feelings,honest and congurent
Sulking
Making me guess
Not communicating

2. Hard to plan, not natural — Positive Behavior is either has many interests or is willing to explore my interests, open to learning, curious, not needing to be right

3.Deceptive/Resentful — Positive Behavior — being thick skinned, has a sense of humor

4. Not asking questions about me Positive Behavior Curious about me

5. Didn’t understand the pain of the divorce — Positive behavior — empathetic, able to let me have my emotions and seeing my emotions as separate from them

6.Wasn’t sympathetic when I had pnuemonia — Positive behavior — able to put himself in my shoes

7. Too much too soon, need to be exclusive, in love etc — Positive behavior — understand there are building blocks to intimacy, understand my need to build connection and trust

8. Pretending to be Ok vs being OK — Positive behavior — owns emotions and if is unhappy states it

After Christmas 2017 December 28, 2017 at 5:31 pm

Well I survived Christmas and six months of dating. I had a mini mini mini relationship with Tom — and in that relationship I learned to speak up when it was difficult. I learned to state what I wanted. I learned to be clear about my boundaries. I talked about going slow. I learned I could enjoy kissing somebody — actually I didn’t know this until then. I learned I really am a neophyte at this dating and men thing I learned that I was checking boxes with Tom — for example, Ok he has good clothes, good address, he will take me to a nice restaurant AND he was subtly passive aggressive and suggesting that I needed managing. And for a guy who said “I never cancel” he cancelled on me twice just because he didn’t feel like seeing me. And as I realized he was trying to push me off my pedestal by calling me spoiled and doing tit for tat I realized no this is not working for me. So i had the courage to call it off after giving him lots of information and knowing I was giving up my date for Christmas stuff. And i gave him an affirmation sandwich — like “I like you and this makes me sad and this relationship isn’t working but thank you for all the positives” and all he could do is get instantly angry. So good call Leslie

I feel like I achieved my goal of getting over the marriage in 2017 through a lot of hard work with therapists and walking and working out and trying. I know there are more bumps in the road and more sadness as the divorce becomes reality but I have finally gotten to the point where I almost 98% “Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn” about him and his mess. I am on my own path. I am becoming who I am supposed to be and I am happy about it. I even changed lawyers and managed to do it in a way that kept my exisiting lawyer Ok. and I met Alec.

And I have kept my boundary with Matthew. And I have tried to coparent with Steve. But it is difficult because they are so much alike — steve and matthew. Neither one of them listens to anybody else. Funny Matthew loves conflict and Steve would run 10 miles to avoid an unpleasant word. Bottom line Steve lacks discretion, lacks compassion, and his decision to include his affair partner in his family christmas but not Matthew kind of took him to a whole new level of rat fink in my mind, I told him seriously Matthew is your son, why do you give me the job of delivering the holly jolly christmas and christmas eve two years in a row and thanksgiving too. It is hard for this boy who misses his family. And instead you include this woman you’ve known 10 minutes in your family christmas and not your son. Seriously you are so not who I ever hoped you were.

Addition to it being a year October 22, 2017 at 10:22 am

So Steve showed me who he was very early on but I bought his act. I won’t allow that again. But as messed up as Matthew is I am glad he is in my life. So if that is all Steve gave me then that is enough. As I told Matthew he is the only worthwhile thing to come out of the dysfunctional relationship we had. And as I told Steve Matthew has every right to be furious because he was the innocent bystander of the car crash that was our life.

And as I see Steve just move on with Rebecca — doing everything we used to do, going to the same places, eating at the same restaurants, taking the same trips, I say Good luck with all of that. Steve said he was looking for some big deep meaning. That was just a lie. He wanted out of the relationship and he wanted a new shiny plaything. AND HE WILL ALWAYS WANT A NEW SHINY PLAYTHING,

Hmmmm it has been a year October 22, 2017 at 10:18 am

So today it is October 22 which means over the last month I have hit all of the last big moments with Steve. Our anniversary September 22, The day he said he was unhappy, October 9th, and the last day he spent hear which is today — although at that time I didn’t know it was going to be the last day. Since he left on a business trip the next day and I had no idea he was not coming back. Funny how he knew all that and I knew nothing.

Over the last month I have incorporated a new therapy , EMDR, which is supposed to help victims of trauma. I think it has helped release a lot of my attachment to the marriage and the should etc. It took some of the reactivity out of the reactions and some of the charge out of the emotions. I don’t understand how it works but it seemed to really help me.

So now I am really ready to build a new life — as my therapist says no more holding on to this little hope that steve is going to change his mind. That doesn’t mean I don’t think he acted like a coward or the worst man on earth, but it means I don’t care anymore. What I do care about is how he treats Matthew. And that is very hurtful to Matthew. He treats him like an inconvenience. So Matthew feels his own father does not even love him. Which I have to say it certainly looks like that.

So over the last year what have I learned is that I will survive. I am glad he is gone. I did not realize how unhappy and how unconnected we were. I was trying to hold on to the value, the ideal, and I was the only one trying. He was just waiting to leave. He almost killed me. But I am a survivor. And I have proved that to myself.

I have learned to take myself out. Buy tickets. Make new friends. Start dating. Remember who I used to be. I didn’t paint his car red or write whore on her car. I took the high road. I never contacted her. I told Steve how I felt but that is fair. Now I just want to get the divorce done, know what I have to work with and get on with it. For one thing, I know I don’t need a man. I need a community but I don’t need a relationship. I need to learn how to relate and I think it is highly unlikely I will find someone that is worth relating to the degree of being in a “relationship” — I have much more fun with my friends. And I have found that I might want to find a new career after the divorce. I am still able bodied at the moment. And my mind still works at the moment. So I will need to put some work into figuring out what I want to do and how I want to structure it and where I want to do it.

And as much as I valued marriage and everything I am glad to be done with it. I just wish I had thought to leave him. What a waste of space.

Fear of Intimacy August 15, 2017 at 7:46 am

Well I think I have a fear of intimacy. I think I focus on being perfect looking to get the guy interested. But I don’t want to get too close. I am noticing this especially with David from Seastar. After his bullying behavior we started talking on the phone again. or texting. Then we went out to dinner. I haven’t really seen him in a month due to schedules etc. So tonight I am meeting him for a drink. I would like to do something different with him but we don’t get to that point ever. It is like we go for dinner or we go for drinks. I would like to see what he is like in a different space and I think he would like to see how well I can kiss. I am afraid of being physical with him because I don’t know if I want to be physical. I think we should try doing some different things but despite our quasi closeness I don’t think he wants to say go to lunch with me on the weekend. I think I need to talk to him about it but I am not sure how.

well my batting average is going down August 14, 2017 at 4:48 pm

So while I have stopped looking for a relationship and decided to use dating as a way to figure out how to think on my feet and read people again I have had three more first dates since the July 25 entry. So today is August 14.

Of those three guys 1) One I liked when I met him and he was polite etc but I felt uneasy after.
2) was a guy who said he felt like he couldn’t really get involved with a woman who was separated but maybe we could see each other as friends. Although that sounded reasonable at the time since I haven’t really had much conversation with him since I think he just wanted to meet me without being available. and the 3) was super nice over text and phone but in person he was alternately present and not present, on and off, and finally jolted me into stunned silence when he asked if I found him attractive enough to sleep with him. Seriously.

So I said as we talked last time I need to do group things. However my son has been visiting for the last two weeks so I have not joined any group things but I will.

I also decided I needed to decide just to be ok doing things on my own for example, going to the movies or taking myself out to dinner (ok this is hard) or joining a cooking class or a meet up group.

So my goal is by August 23 I will have joined a meet up group for Spanish hopefully, signed up for a cooking class at the hot stove society and signed up for salsa lessons at Century Ballroom.

Oh and yes I decided to run the Seattle 1/2 marathon to give myself a fitness goal. I decided since so many guys are put off by this separated status that I have no control over given my ex’s slug like speed then I might as well focus on learning skills and just having fun on my own.

I also decided not to go to the symphony gala and I let the symphony know this. In spite of the fact that I had tickets. I realized when I saw Steve when I picked up Matthew last week that I really was not ready to be at a big formal event where he will be in attendance with that woman. I can’t predict my reaction and it is just not fair to whoever I would go with.

I did however invite friends over for Seafair which was a big deal for me — I ordered food and we had a blue angels watching party. It was fun. I have never had a party in my life so it was a big one. I figure as long as I am stuck in limbo I can have some parties and get some use out of this house.

I am not batting a 1000 July 25, 2017 at 7:15 am

Well last night I had my 8 first date. Of the 8 men I have dated 4 have asked for a second date so I guess I am batting 500.

It seems men make a snap judgment on chemistry. I don’t. The only one I knew for sure I didn’t want to see again was El Gaucho because he was so pompous and just plain not attractive. I know I am attractive and accomplished and I cannot figure out why these guys come in take one look at me and say pass. There must be a big disconnect between who they imagine in the pictures and who I am in real life although I have been told I look just like my pictures — so it must be the sexy component. I have some sexy looks and maybe that is what is drawing these particular guys. Or they don’t like my orange top. Although I only wore the orange top to Dave the firefighter and Carlton — so the other two just didn’t. So I don’t know what it is but it is a little discouraging. You feel dismissed before you even start.

Nourish Thyself July 24, 2017 at 7:08 pm

So I am realizing I need to rebuild my interests and my tribe and then if I meet a guy he can fit in or my tribe may introduce me to a guy. In either case I need to nourish myself right now more than I need to focus on online dating.

So I am going to limit myself to checking on line stuff maybe every other day for no more than 30 minutes. Focus on match right now will be to stay hidden for a week or two and clear up my in box,

I was reading so many profiles I was getting them confused — like hey are you the guy who likes dancing or are you the guy who works with chemical dependency!! That can be embarrassing

I am going to go to a meet up group event or another type of event I am interested in 2X a week. This week I am going to a wine tasting at Tom Douglas tomorrow night and to SAM Infinity mirrors on Thursday.

I am going to make time for my piano and my Spanish along with cooking as ways to nourish myself.
I am also going to start reading 30 minutes each day and read the newspaper again.

Opportunities leading to good times in a different direction June 10, 2017 at 10:07 am

I’ve been consciously trying out new experiences, hoping that it might lead to meeting some potential relationship partners. So far, I’ve had a lot of fun, but nothing promising has materialized. But since I’ve had fun, I don’t consider this a failure.

I started volunteering as an usher for local professional productions. I’ve only done this once so far–and the other ushers were either married couples or women on their own. But, it was a great way to see a free show!

I went to an informational meeting of The Mountaineers and was intrigued to see a couple of men of my approximate age in the audience, so I subsequently signed up for a hike. On the hike, all the participants were women except for one married man–but I met an interesting woman from Mercer Island who is also interested in hiking with her dog–a nice new friend possibility, if not a male one!

I’m signed up to walk the Shore Run with Rusty. He always gets a lot of attention, so who knows…

I attended the Madison Park Tree Walk last week, and didn’t meet any men, but it was a really enjoyable experience. Most of the participants were couples or women, and most were considerably older than me.

I’m determined to continue to put myself out there in new situations. So far, no relationship leads, but rewarding good times–

I am feeling sad about the past June 10, 2017 at 7:52 am

As I am writing the love relationship plan, I find myself feeling very sad for how I neglected or did not do the things I am asking my future maybe partner to do. Or how I didn’t get these things from Steve and how I didn’t seem to even notice. How I let the relationship slide away. This almost makes me want to apologize to Steve but then I think that is crazy because I asked for things like meeting for lunch and stuff and he just never wanted to do it. He stopped trying I believe about the time I had cancer or when he had his first affair. And that was a long time ago — 15 years. He became totally engrossed in his activities, his work, his hobbies and his goals. I felt like I was living a parallel life but not an integrated one. This makes me super sad. I am angry that he betrayed me by cheating and not being honest. I am angry at myself for not paying more attention — instead I drifted into not asking — and I betrayed myself by not standing up for myself and demanding more from him. We both used Matthew I think as an excuse. I just never thought Steve was as far gone as he was. This makes me very sad indeed,

what to wear on dates June 10, 2017 at 7:29 am

This has been driving me crazy. What to wear. I don’t know if I got lazy with Steve or I just assumed he liked me so he would like whatever I was wearing. I do realize at the end he never told me I looked nice even when I put a lot of effort into looking nice. So I think I got tired of trying.

In any case, I find my closet is full of sporty nice clothes but not necessarily feminine flirty clothes. I am annoyed about this and also annoyed that I feel like I have to dress a certain way but I am really unsure what that is.

I know enough to now wear jeans let’s say to a nice place but I find myself second guessing my choices. I think I need to focus on wearing what I feel comfortable in and this might be easier said than done.

I need to work on this.

what i bring to the table June 10, 2017 at 7:25 am

I am realizing that I have always oriented myself around pleasing the guy. Trying to make him happy. Trying to ensure he likes me instead of asking myself do I like him.

I am realizing I bring a lot to the table: I am pretty, I am smart, I am well traveled, I have done a lot of interesting things. I have strong values. I am generous and also very forgiving of other people.

I have decided to not care if the men I date decide they don’t like me. I am going to focus on just getting to know them and whether I like them. I am going to focus on having a good time on each date. I am going to pay my way and maintain my independence until I think it might be a relationship or have relationship potential. This feels more congruent than letting them pay.

Meet up October 4, 2016 at 2:22 pm

I went to my first Meet Up group for divorced singles, it was a bit awkward and I didn’t spend much time in the group. I will give it another try and see if I have a different experience.

A New observation re: pixies. May 13, 2016 at 10:46 am

I just realized pixies fly at different heights! Such a useful thought right now. I just sent the email to Jason (I reached down to click ‘send’ from up here on my pedestal) and I’m nauseated. Pixies fly high when I’m on a date with a dangerous person. They fly lower when it’s not as dangerous but my bulls are still upset!!! That’s why it’s nauseating! Low-flying pixies!!

new May 11, 2016 at 4:45 pm

xxx

pixies May 11, 2016 at 4:25 pm

The pixies.

Here’s what Max helped me with.

Max, thanks for being exactly and unapologetically who you are. You are like a cat taken away from its mom and siblings too soon. Those cats are cute as kittens, but they become horrible cats. They lash out unexpectedly. They were never taught boundaries. They don’t know how to play, which is especially problematic when you limbs end with sharp claws and you have teeth designed to rip living things to shreds.

But it all happened fast, and because of you I know REALLY know about the butterflies. What they are and what they do. They are possible the most poorly-understood and dangerous emotional tools we have. We THINK the flutters in our chests and brains are good thigns. That they mean that love is coming. That someone special has arrived in our lives and that they will make us feel good…sooo good that we can’t imagine it. So good that problems (things that make us feel bad) will magically disappear. They will make the bad things disappear. Life will suddenly and magically change.

Lots of really smart ladies secretly wait and wait and wait for magic. We think that magic is the only way we will find love or a partner. The regular ways have never worked and we’re positive they never will. And honestly we’re probably right about that. But we are wrong to ‘wait for magic’ to happen. We crave magic. We WANT to believe in ‘big love’ and we want to keep romance alive as a possibility. And here’s where the big mistake happens—we think the feeling of butterflies means that we are in the presence of magic.

Butterflies are magical, but they are not the kind of magic we think they are. They are not indications we are in the proximity of possible true love. They do not mean that we are sitting near someone who can escort us immediately past all the dull and huge impediments to ‘true love.’ We think that’s what they mean. That we’ve got a special front-of-the-line pass that we’ve somehow stumbled upon, and that this ‘magic’ is the only way to get through the impediments. WRONG.

I’ve decided to think of…to recognize…butterflies as my own set of pixies. The pixies are fluttering. But they are not fluttering with happy excitement. They are fluttering nervously because they recognize that I’m in the presence of a dangerous person. A person who is triggering irrational hope for a free pass, for a trip to the heady heights of true soul-love. The pixies know that I THINK I’ve finally found ‘it,’ or it’s found me.

NOPE.

I feel their wings in my chest and I think they are butterflies. Just like when you feel a tickle on your arm and think it’s an actual butterfly, but it’s a wasp. The tickle feels the same. But the reality is very different. This tickle, the chest-butterflies, the magical sprinklers I’m feeling, are upset pixies. Sure they are flying, but they are trying to fly AWAY. They are warning me. The FEEL like they are signaling magic. Nope. They are indicators I’m about to get stung in a major way.

So I’ve decided to recognize my pixies as pixies. I’ve given them combat boots and golden wings. They wear sparking diamond helmets and when they take flight I’m going to listen to them. I’m going to recognize what they are saying…which is DANGER. BEWARE. This person is fucking around with your herd of bulls. The bulls are getting nervous. This person can only make your bulls mad. This person can not rid you of your bulls. Flutter, flutter, FUCKING FLUTTER DAMMIT.

I’ll hear you, pixies. I will heed your warning. Narcissist nearing! Someone is promising things that no one can deliver to you! Someone is reminding you of old wounds! Someone is making you feel like suddenly everything can, will, should be different…and the logical part of you is conveniently forgetting the fact that you just met this person…how on earth does it make any sense that you are giving them credit for changing your life?! It’s nuts. It’s upset bulls. It’s worried pixies. It’s not butterflies.

So thank you Max. Your short presence in my life has finally helped me FEEL the pixie/butterfly distinction. To understand. To upgrade my pixies with new tools. To help them work faster in the future so they can get back to the important business of playing on their bunkbeds. The bulls I’m handling in therapy. The pixies are my friends, the way that smoke detectors are my friends.

Thanks for being toxic smoke, and for moving so fast. The air is feeling much more breathable now that I’m past you.

8 May 11, 2016 at 4:22 pm

bunkbeds.

6 May 11, 2016 at 4:21 pm

so they can get back to the important business

4 May 11, 2016 at 4:20 pm

To help them work faster in the future

3 May 11, 2016 at 4:20 pm

The bulls I’m handling in therapy. The pixies are my friends, the way that smoke detectors are my friends.

1 May 11, 2016 at 4:19 pm

So thank you Max. Your short presence in my life has finally helped me FEEL the pixie/butterfly distinction. To understand.

16 May 11, 2016 at 3:03 pm

So thank you Max. Your short presence in my life has finally helped me FEEL the pixie/butterfly distinction. To understand.

16 May 11, 2016 at 3:02 pm

To upgrade my pixies with new tools.

15 May 11, 2016 at 3:01 pm

To upgrade my pixies with new tools.

12 May 11, 2016 at 2:59 pm

Your short presence in my life has finally helped me FEEL the pixie/butterfly distinction.

12 May 11, 2016 at 2:59 pm

So thank you Max.

11 May 11, 2016 at 2:58 pm

So thank you Max. Your short presence in my life has finally helped me FEEL the pixie/butterfly distinction.

11 May 11, 2016 at 2:58 pm

The bulls I’m handling in therapy. The pixies are my friends, the way that smoke detectors are my friends.

11 May 11, 2016 at 2:57 pm

The bulls I’m handling in therapy. The pixies are my friends, the way that smoke detectors are my friends.

10 May 11, 2016 at 2:52 pm

Here’s what Max helped me with.
Max, thanks for being exactly and unapologetically who you are. You are like a cat taken away from its mom and siblings too soon. Those cats are cute as kittens, but they become horrible cats. They lash out unexpectedly. They were never taught boundaries. They don’t know how to play, which is especially problematic when you limbs end with sharp claws and you have teeth designed to rip living things to shreds.
But it all happened fast, and because of you I know REALLY know about the butterflies. What they are and what they do. They are possible the most poorly-understood and dangerous emotional tools we have. We THINK the flutters in our chests and brains are good thigns. That they mean that love is coming. That someone special has arrived in our lives and that they will make us feel good…sooo good that we can’t imagine it. So good that problems (things that make us feel bad) will magically disappear. They will make the bad things disappear. Life will suddenly and magically change.
Lots of really smart ladies secretly wait and wait and wait for magic. We think that magic is the only way we will find love or a partner. The regular ways have never worked and we’re positive they never will. And honestly we’re probably right about that. But we are wrong to ‘wait for magic’ to happen. We crave magic. We WANT to believe in ‘big love’ and we want to keep romance alive as a possibility. And here’s where the big mistake happens—we think the feeling of butterflies means that we are in the presence of magic.
Butterflies are magical, but they are not the kind of magic we think they are. They are not indications we are in the proximity of possible true love. They do not mean that we are sitting near someone who can escort us immediately past all the dull and huge impediments to ‘true love.’ We think that’s what they mean. That we’ve got a special front-of-the-line pass that we’ve somehow stumbled upon, and that this ‘magic’ is the only way to get through the impediments. WRONG.
I’ve decided to think of…to recognize…butterflies as my own set of pixies. The pixies are fluttering. But they are not fluttering with happy excitement. They are fluttering nervously because they recognize that I’m in the presence of a dangerous person. A person who is triggering irrational hope for a free pass, for a trip to the heady heights of true soul-love. The pixies know that I THINK I’ve finally found ‘it,’ or it’s found me.
NOPE.
The pixies are my own little emotional bodyguards. They herd the bulls that run rampant in my emotional china shop. The bulls were put there by people way in my past. They are old thoughts and old needs. They are desperate wishes things had been different. They are mad that I don’t feel fulfilled and they are my depression. And when the bulls get stimulated, the pixies take flight
I feel their wings in my chest and I think they are butterflies. Just like when you feel a tickle on your arm and think it’s an actual butterfly, but it’s a wasp. The tickle feels the same. But the reality is very different. This tickle, the chest-butterflies, the magical sprinklers I’m feeling, are upset pixies. Sure they are flying, but they are trying to fly AWAY. They are warning me. The FEEL like they are signaling magic. Nope. They are indicators I’m about to get stung in a major way.
So I’ve decided to recognize my pixies as pixies. I’ve given them combat boots and golden wings. They wear sparking diamond helmets and when they take flight I’m going to listen to them. I’m going to recognize what they are saying…which is DANGER. BEWARE. This person is fucking around with your herd of bulls. The bulls are getting nervous. This person can only make your bulls mad. This person can not rid you of your bulls. Flutter, flutter, FUCKING FLUTTER DAMMIT.
I’ll hear you, pixies. I will heed your warning. Narcissist nearing! Someone is promising things that no one can deliver to you! Someone is reminding you of old wounds! Someone is making you feel like suddenly everything can, will, should be different…and the logical part of you is conveniently forgetting the fact that you just met this person…how on earth does it make any sense that you are giving them credit for changing your life?! It’s nuts. It’s upset bulls. It’s worried pixies. It’s not butterflies.
Thanks for being toxic smoke, and for moving so fast. The air is feeling much more breathable now that I’m past you.

9 May 11, 2016 at 2:51 pm

Thanks for being toxic smoke, and for moving so fast. The air is feeling much more breathable now that I’m past you.

7 May 11, 2016 at 2:50 pm

6 May 11, 2016 at 2:49 pm

5 May 11, 2016 at 2:48 pm

The pixies are my own little emotional bodyguards. They herd the bulls that run rampant in my emotional china shop. The bulls were put there by people way in my past. They are old thoughts and old needs. They are desperate wishes things had been different. They are mad that I don’t feel fulfilled and they are my depression. And when the bulls get stimulated, the pixies take flight
I feel their wings in my chest and I think they are butterflies. Just like when you feel a tickle on your arm and think it’s an actual butterfly, but it’s a wasp. The tickle feels the same. But the reality is very different. This tickle, the chest-butterflies, the magical sprinklers I’m feeling, are upset pixies. Sure they are flying, but they are trying to fly AWAY. They are warning me. The FEEL like they are signaling magic. Nope. They are indicators I’m about to get stung in a major way.

4 May 11, 2016 at 2:48 pm

3 May 11, 2016 at 2:47 pm

test 6001 May 11, 2016 at 2:14 pm

…

test pixies May 11, 2016 at 2:12 pm

The pixies.

Here’s what Max helped me with.

test 6000 May 11, 2016 at 2:09 pm

‘ ‘

‘ May 11, 2016 at 2:08 pm

‘ test

slash test May 11, 2016 at 2:01 pm

test May 11, 2016 at 1:55 pm

“

test3 May 11, 2016 at 1:52 pm

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Nulla fermentum neque turpis, in consectetur turpis tempus a. Donec quis lacus sit amet nisl sagittis pulvinar. Duis sodales efficitur tristique. Integer cursus neque libero, a iaculis sapien egestas ut. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Integer id consectetur lorem. Etiam nec quam at lacus dapibus porta tristique ac turpis. Fusce posuere mattis viverra. Ut massa mauris, ornare pretium risus quis, feugiat vestibulum odio. Etiam sagittis dui vestibulum tristique posuere. In tempus dolor enim, sit amet semper tellus ultricies auctor.

Vivamus eleifend diam in enim condimentum malesuada. Sed commodo, nulla ut posuere commodo, ante orci pretium felis, id finibus massa lorem a mi. Cras varius luctus fermentum. Nulla nisi est, tincidunt ac metus vel, congue tempus ex. Etiam ipsum velit, sollicitudin quis odio non, pellentesque gravida quam. Proin arcu risus, porta a ex at, tempus rhoncus odio. Maecenas tincidunt tellus id nulla ultricies rutrum. Nulla nisl lectus, bibendum et pretium molestie, varius volutpat leo. Sed tincidunt lorem libero, ornare pulvinar diam pretium vel. Integer dictum commodo sagittis. Pellentesque nec nisl consequat, pellentesque ipsum in, accumsan turpis. Nunc velit lacus, posuere eu sodales ut, consequat vitae nisi.

Quisque eget magna tellus. Donec placerat volutpat viverra. Nullam et vestibulum arcu. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Morbi auctor tempor efficitur. Etiam maximus est nibh. Aliquam at eleifend neque, eu blandit nunc. Suspendisse potenti.

Sed quis nisl eu mi molestie venenatis. Aliquam sapien eros, commodo ac mattis nec, ultrices vel mi. Ut in lectus sed odio iaculis faucibus. Suspendisse potenti. Cras a porta sapien. Nulla pulvinar a magna non tempus. Sed dapibus sem in molestie facilisis. Suspendisse nec dui a enim pulvinar tincidunt. In dapibus egestas libero, nec eleifend magna pharetra eu. Pellentesque faucibus id ex sed ullamcorper. Vestibulum in felis et elit semper gravida. Duis sollicitudin a velit sit amet commodo. Pellentesque vel dolor eu est rutrum rhoncus.

Maecenas commodo lorem eget ultrices eleifend. Donec ultricies urna ut posuere sagittis. Donec id odio augue. Aenean ultrices commodo egestas. Nam fermentum euismod gravida. Donec eget urna a nisl hendrerit fringilla ut sed risus. Quisque sollicitudin sapien non turpis sollicitudin tempus. Praesent mollis tortor lacinia nibh egestas, eu varius mauris sollicitudin. Integer posuere scelerisque magna, vel mattis ante mollis eget. Nunc accumsan blandit aliquam. Sed est metus, gravida vitae dapibus eget, congue quis nunc. Nullam in quam non purus posuere tincidunt. Suspendisse interdum ipsum quam, id eleifend tellus elementum non. Nulla vitae rutrum justo. Integer rhoncus arcu tortor. Nam consequat eleifend enim at sollicitudin.

Nam cursus non nisi id faucibus. Aenean volutpat justo non nibh sollicitudin, ut interdum est fringilla. In quis erat at enim faucibus efficitur. Proin tincidunt mollis libero, non aliquet augue volutpat eget. Praesent eget posuere risus. Nulla porta, sem et imperdiet dignissim, velit ligula dapibus massa, non varius orci nunc vel metus. Nam sed tincidunt sapien, ut porta nunc. Fusce in urna in lorem gravida feugiat.

Etiam euismod dapibus lacus, a pharetra urna. Nunc suscipit magna non malesuada euismod. Donec a accumsan turpis. Etiam mattis vestibulum leo vitae tristique. Donec a felis hendrerit, vehicula tortor id, venenatis sapien. Sed eget felis porttitor, ornare diam at, cursus massa. Aenean malesuada ligula ante, vel condimentum nibh rutrum quis. Maecenas sit amet pellentesque urna. Curabitur lacinia ut lectus vitae dictum. Sed a erat elit. Vivamus ultricies luctus fringilla. Sed interdum elementum scelerisque. Nunc consectetur, massa ut interdum pulvinar, nulla mauris finibus justo, faucibus vestibulum tortor magna vel tortor. Nullam vel erat felis. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.

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Donec commodo sodales nunc, a consequat turpis. Fusce sit amet egestas lorem. Maecenas sed sem vitae est volutpat volutpat ut vel eros. Maecenas iaculis risus non gravida placerat. Proin nisl felis, condimentum non felis a, maximus varius mi. Sed dapibus neque tortor, vel convallis diam scelerisque pulvinar. Vivamus a venenatis leo. Nullam est odio, lacinia quis velit vitae, porttitor pulvinar ligula. Nulla facilisi. Nulla eu tempus diam, vitae tincidunt mi. Morbi ultricies, ipsum eget blandit porta, tellus odio suscipit arcu, id vestibulum elit est et urna. Duis interdum augue nec dignissim maximus. Maecenas posuere imperdiet tristique.

In a lorem maximus, tincidunt lectus ac, condimentum nisi. Integer fringilla volutpat ligula non bibendum. Quisque a congue urna. Phasellus et urna vulputate, vehicula augue laoreet, accumsan odio. Mauris et cursus lacus, a rhoncus mauris. Praesent vehicula vel augue nec hendrerit. Proin nibh urna, porta sed sagittis at, commodo nec ante. Nulla consectetur placerat urna vel pretium. Integer finibus sem sed quam posuere ullamcorper.

Quisque sodales placerat ex a ornare. Pellentesque id tristique quam, sit amet vehicula quam. Pellentesque nec feugiat justo. Vivamus mattis sem ut turpis congue, vel feugiat neque maximus. Donec tincidunt libero at lorem dictum rhoncus. Nulla ante purus, tincidunt non nulla vel, feugiat aliquet enim. Quisque semper ligula vel posuere interdum. Suspendisse aliquet mauris in libero eleifend, a mollis erat imperdiet. Duis interdum, urna id sodales luctus, felis neque laoreet nibh, eu gravida enim metus in arcu. Duis pretium, felis in accumsan feugiat, dolor augue scelerisque libero, tristique semper sapien dolor id augue. Aenean egestas justo purus, at tristique massa tincidunt mollis. Sed tristique ipsum at erat tincidunt lobortis. Donec ac bibendum mi, eget mollis lacus.

Integer in malesuada enim. Suspendisse interdum porta orci, elementum gravida sapien lacinia vitae. Quisque accumsan sapien non lectus cursus fringilla. Curabitur sit amet ante suscipit, tempus lacus ac, vulputate augue. Aliquam viverra efficitur elit. Sed et ex vel nulla mattis tincidunt. Mauris aliquet dignissim nisi, ac vehicula nunc commodo non.

Fusce id nisi id nulla lacinia lobortis ut nec neque. Praesent semper elit non ornare consequat. Duis faucibus, lorem ac dapibus pretium, enim magna hendrerit sem, eu porttitor lectus eros eget tellus. Cras eget porttitor metus, eget pellentesque mauris. Etiam ullamcorper at neque at viverra. Vestibulum scelerisque nulla et augue tempus, non iaculis risus commodo. Quisque elementum felis vitae scelerisque luctus. Pellentesque at ex sed mauris vehicula dignissim placerat vitae odio. Morbi in lectus ut ex iaculis consectetur sed non arcu. Aliquam ac ultricies ex. Suspendisse potenti. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Nullam non nulla ac diam dapibus laoreet quis vel nibh. Nam id tempus justo.

Etiam at pharetra urna. Integer iaculis blandit nisl, eu ornare mi accumsan eu. Donec consectetur neque ut turpis mollis, at consectetur ligula lobortis. Donec luctus nec est at rutrum. Pellentesque ut erat sed leo tempor blandit. Quisque sit amet cursus elit. Vivamus auctor arcu pulvinar vulputate lacinia. Donec auctor a diam nec sollicitudin. Aenean pulvinar efficitur congue. Curabitur elit nisi, molestie a purus et, tristique vehicula ex.

Aliquam sed tortor laoreet, ultricies risus eget, mattis arcu. Suspendisse a consectetur lorem, ut cursus tellus. In at leo diam. Vestibulum volutpat rhoncus ligula, sit amet dictum sem dictum vitae. Sed accumsan nunc massa, sed porta augue consequat non. Sed eu gravida dui. Praesent semper ultricies nibh, eget euismod nibh consequat vel. Maecenas nec vestibulum sem. In velit nunc, tincidunt et arcu sed, consectetur tincidunt nunc. Praesent efficitur nisl eget justo ullamcorper, in euismod mi imperdiet. Curabitur mattis ex dui, vitae ornare justo ultrices sed. Donec eget nibh nunc. Cras id lorem id lorem tempor pellentesque. In ac turpis tincidunt, tristique lorem ullamcorper, pellentesque leo. Integer ullamcorper mi vitae enim lobortis molestie.

Pellentesque volutpat pulvinar elit, sit amet placerat velit vestibulum et. Aliquam at magna mi. Praesent fermentum, nulla eu euismod semper, nisi nulla placerat augue, sed tempus nulla arcu sit amet elit. Proin scelerisque libero libero, ac sagittis lorem finibus in. Sed condimentum nibh dolor, ut dictum ex dignissim et. Morbi luctus tellus in sollicitudin fringilla. In elementum mauris vel est tristique, et maximus massa pretium. Nunc vel quam at ante luctus iaculis sed non sem. Phasellus tempor massa eu odio vehicula, a molestie ligula cursus. In pretium finibus massa et laoreet.

Vivamus sagittis lacinia felis id facilisis. Fusce finibus id purus consequat pulvinar. Maecenas sodales posuere magna id egestas. Aliquam sagittis ligula ante, at ornare metus semper id. Nulla sit amet fringilla mi. Phasellus non tortor at justo viverra eleifend sed et ipsum. Etiam tincidunt vitae eros ut lobortis. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Praesent justo justo, sollicitudin a lectus ut, sollicitudin finibus dui. Suspendisse in nibh aliquam, porta libero interdum, maximus mi.

Quisque nec mauris odio. Vestibulum ut metus justo. Duis tempus, odio a molestie varius, augue augue imperdiet neque, vel vulputate orci dui non odio. Fusce tincidunt leo sit amet lectus malesuada vulputate et vitae nibh. Ut ultricies nec libero a placerat. Etiam quam nisl, vulputate et sapien quis, auctor blandit libero. Vestibulum porta posuere orci, rutrum ultrices lectus pharetra vitae. Vivamus dictum auctor libero interdum feugiat. Donec nibh ex, imperdiet nec tincidunt id, pharetra id libero. Phasellus ornare eros non dui aliquet luctus. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Fusce et metus augue. Aenean dignissim sagittis nunc ut volutpat. Integer id nulla a libero hendrerit tristique.

Nullam sodales erat at turpis sodales rutrum. Mauris sit amet maximus mauris. Aliquam lacinia elit eget eros tincidunt, vel pellentesque augue interdum. Sed vulputate tincidunt congue. Proin vitae aliquam lacus. Quisque sagittis urna vel venenatis rhoncus. Nulla condimentum est vitae dolor egestas pellentesque. Etiam eros eros, molestie id nibh et, malesuada vulputate urna. Nullam arcu erat, sollicitudin at leo id, maximus bibendum sem. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nulla lobortis ullamcorper luctus. Fusce placerat turpis arcu, quis fringilla ipsum vestibulum sed. Vestibulum vitae gravida ex. Quisque mattis luctus turpis, nec mollis ante congue rutrum. Duis sodales nulla vitae quam feugiat elementum at eget ex.

Etiam blandit convallis sem ac vulputate. Nulla at quam nulla. Aliquam fermentum, mi dictum rutrum tempus, libero velit convallis augue, id sodales nisl libero sed justo. Quisque molestie vehicula orci sed fermentum. Fusce quis pellentesque lacus. Nullam vehicula enim enim, ut lobortis ipsum volutpat ut. Vestibulum euismod nunc ligula, at tincidunt ipsum lacinia in. Nulla vitae vehicula orci. Nam ultrices velit tortor, sed commodo metus laoreet eget. Cras tempus massa sit amet diam imperdiet pellentesque.

Pellentesque in magna pellentesque, volutpat ante sed, porta nunc. In nulla neque, venenatis faucibus lacinia non, molestie a nunc. Donec luctus, urna finibus interdum ullamcorper, ex mi placerat eros, at volutpat risus mi ac lacus. Nulla mollis tempor nisi, non porta erat ornare ac. Donec aliquet nibh at ligula interdum dictum. Aliquam rhoncus ultrices nunc, vel faucibus orci cursus at. Mauris porttitor placerat arcu id ornare. Curabitur efficitur, quam a dapibus cursus, dui mauris viverra enim, ac vehicula dui odio ut nunc. Fusce pellentesque metus nec velit accumsan, faucibus rutrum leo sollicitudin. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Nam id gravida quam.

Pellentesque sit amet arcu mollis, venenatis massa a, efficitur mauris. Nulla condimentum sit amet ligula vitae mollis. In pellentesque risus lacinia arcu finibus, vel cursus erat sodales. Ut pretium purus vitae dolor suscipit condimentum. Ut pellentesque nisi volutpat justo lacinia laoreet. Fusce eget elit auctor, luctus ex id, interdum urna. Suspendisse potenti. Vestibulum sit amet lectus arcu. Ut convallis tincidunt nunc. Maecenas iaculis quam molestie nulla pellentesque vestibulum.

Nullam felis lorem, laoreet at pellentesque vel, consectetur mattis odio. Ut quis tortor quis odio pharetra aliquam id vel neque. Pellentesque sed ex id quam viverra finibus. Pellentesque ipsum mauris, viverra eget viverra quis, viverra quis massa. Ut iaculis pharetra turpis, vel sagittis est dignissim at. Curabitur pellentesque nisl vitae libero mattis convallis. Donec a mauris sit amet nulla efficitur vehicula eget sit amet elit. Suspendisse at congue quam. Sed mattis lacus vel pharetra viverra. Maecenas a odio magna. Maecenas rhoncus nisl lacinia aliquam fringilla. Praesent sed elit vulputate, cursus tellus quis, aliquet nisl. Morbi molestie magna non sapien sagittis aliquet. Duis a magna rutrum, fringilla felis nec, congue sem. Pellentesque eleifend non nulla non tristique. Curabitur et tellus euismod urna porta hendrerit ac eget ex.

Cras efficitur finibus bibendum. Ut laoreet, neque at porttitor lacinia, elit est finibus nunc, a sagittis dolor eros sit amet ante. Donec convallis, dui et convallis vulputate, augue ipsum mattis nisi, sed congue massa lectus in lectus. Etiam in tempor arcu, non venenatis lacus. Praesent nec quam in augue congue tempor. Nulla facilisi. Suspendisse potenti. Nulla dignissim nisi at pretium hendrerit. Duis vitae purus at dolor dignissim tincidunt eget in ipsum. Quisque sed massa at elit malesuada fermentum in semper metus. Donec id molestie urna. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Suspendisse potenti. Aliquam risus neque, consectetur sit amet pretium sed, dapibus at nisl. Nulla sagittis venenatis lacus, venenatis congue nisi bibendum sed.

And one more thing, Jason… May 11, 2016 at 1:46 pm

I can’ just picture you reading this email and thinking or saying ‘well, I just don’t have any explanation. I can’t make one up. I just don’t have it to give you.”

To that, I say, BULLSHIT. That’s lazy, that’s disrespectful, and it can’t possibly be true. Or, if it’s true, it’s mind-boggling that someone who thinks as much as you do about how he feels can have no idea at all how to explain hurting someone he purported to be so close to for so long.

456 May 11, 2016 at 1:41 pm

test

123 May 11, 2016 at 1:40 pm

test

copy paste test May 11, 2016 at 1:38 pm

Quisque vestibulum sollicitudin mi, sit amet tincidunt erat ullamcorper vitae. Pellentesque sit amet pellentesque neque. Nam lorem odio, semper ut mollis vitae, pharetra at purus. Proin fringilla faucibus turpis, in imperdiet ligula iaculis ac. Phasellus augue purus, sagittis ac nunc non, consectetur euismod felis. Sed varius mattis sapien quis pharetra. Vestibulum gravida malesuada mi in aliquam. Ut lacinia, felis eu laoreet blandit, tortor turpis luctus nisl, non mollis massa nunc euismod dui. Etiam lacinia aliquet est. Sed maximus eros sed eros pellentesque, rutrum scelerisque nulla imperdiet.

Mauris nisi tellus, semper nec dui nec, vulputate tempor ante. Aliquam rutrum lectus metus, vel molestie magna dapibus non. Sed tincidunt arcu eget aliquet sagittis. Mauris ornare non nulla eget consectetur. Phasellus sagittis aliquet tellus, in dapibus dolor pharetra ac. Donec facilisis non dolor at laoreet. Sed iaculis congue rutrum.

Maecenas eget leo nisi. Nullam malesuada nibh augue, et ullamcorper tellus faucibus vel. Vestibulum tristique blandit iaculis. Curabitur quam leo, efficitur sit amet justo id, porta luctus lectus. Mauris feugiat finibus ligula, a ullamcorper felis feugiat sed. Aliquam et dolor venenatis massa maximus vehicula. Cras vel erat imperdiet, convallis risus ac, ultricies libero. Cras aliquam elit aliquam massa fermentum, id commodo ex dapibus.

Praesent dictum lacus quis ipsum sollicitudin varius. Maecenas vel eros rutrum, elementum libero ac, fermentum risus. Aenean pulvinar est quis nulla mollis, nec facilisis ex blandit. Aenean euismod vestibulum ex, sed pellentesque dui pulvinar eu. Vivamus vitae aliquet massa. Phasellus tempus rhoncus ultrices. Proin sit amet sodales metus, a luctus felis. Sed facilisis placerat sagittis. Duis imperdiet, arcu eu semper posuere, diam sapien dignissim justo, at ultrices ligula nisl sed turpis. Cras varius ac enim a varius. Maecenas velit neque, pharetra ut magna ac, eleifend accumsan ante. Duis commodo erat non nunc pretium pulvinar. Nunc dictum, tellus vitae maximus lobortis, urna ipsum interdum libero, vel finibus leo eros vitae libero.

Aenean ornare lacus consectetur, elementum nulla eu, cursus turpis. Quisque ac lectus id metus semper lacinia vitae a sapien. Morbi ultricies, justo quis finibus auctor, justo nisl mollis massa, et sagittis lorem lacus tincidunt eros. Aenean id aliquam lectus. Donec ornare dignissim risus, in molestie magna blandit nec. Curabitur eu erat tincidunt, dapibus leo at, rutrum ante. Phasellus laoreet dolor ut magna convallis, a tincidunt augue vulputate. Nunc fringilla velit id lacus venenatis, non ornare lectus pharetra. Phasellus augue eros, aliquet et mollis ac, iaculis vel est. Aliquam scelerisque purus ac metus sagittis, vel ultrices neque aliquam. Etiam neque leo, aliquet eget elementum sit amet, posuere et dolor.

Vestibulum vitae porta purus. Duis pellentesque rutrum quam, ut pellentesque orci mollis sed. Fusce venenatis laoreet eros non tempor. In a turpis mi. Curabitur vel dui eget urna pulvinar congue nec vitae ipsum. Etiam nec mauris tellus. Aenean gravida arcu turpis, id scelerisque lectus porta quis. Maecenas in erat eget sem egestas tincidunt ac sed orci. Morbi nec mauris dolor. Curabitur egestas leo eget consectetur vehicula. Vestibulum lorem risus, dignissim quis tincidunt in, cursus auctor orci. Integer laoreet placerat suscipit. Mauris sed nisi eget dolor ultricies ultrices. Vestibulum rutrum, metus dignissim laoreet luctus, ex elit molestie quam, placerat rutrum felis enim et libero. Vivamus accumsan nisi laoreet quam tincidunt, porta suscipit arcu tristique.

Proin at rhoncus magna. Etiam risus sem, lacinia at fringilla eget, accumsan vitae nulla. Curabitur magna nibh, accumsan vel ex sit amet, sagittis egestas sapien. Suspendisse tincidunt turpis ac pretium ornare. Donec mattis tellus sed arcu eleifend ultrices. Nullam libero tellus, mattis ut metus et, semper rutrum justo. Aenean dapibus risus non augue facilisis, faucibus tincidunt leo iaculis. Aliquam aliquet consequat cursus. Vivamus in mauris enim. In condimentum erat vel ante varius accumsan. Suspendisse tristique tincidunt dictum. Cras ac sodales augue. Curabitur imperdiet magna ut elit ultrices, nec efficitur ipsum vulputate.

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Mauris et vestibulum velit. Ut sed turpis vel libero accumsan varius in lacinia erat. Fusce posuere tellus nunc, ut eleifend nulla pulvinar sit amet. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. In maximus fringilla orci, sed ultricies ligula malesuada sit amet. Integer nisi dui, porttitor quis sem id, efficitur ullamcorper urna. Donec blandit ipsum tortor, sed sollicitudin sapien rutrum in. Cras facilisis posuere sem ut tempus. Sed sit amet suscipit augue, in sodales dolor. Aliquam rutrum euismod ipsum non fringilla. Nulla feugiat tristique risus, quis congue dolor blandit ut. In sed lectus nec urna bibendum molestie. Sed hendrerit egestas fringilla.

Aliquam ut rhoncus augue, et fermentum ex. Nullam dapibus vestibulum tellus sed volutpat. Donec in ex sit amet nisl pulvinar rutrum id sed justo. Quisque metus mi, volutpat quis tellus vitae, efficitur tempus dolor. Donec dapibus mi arcu, sed consectetur nisl lobortis in. In nec leo eget nunc commodo laoreet at id mauris. Donec in ligula porttitor, interdum nulla sed, aliquet quam. Sed nisi felis, rutrum tincidunt consectetur in, tristique hendrerit turpis. Nam id ligula elementum, consequat massa ac, pellentesque nibh. Pellentesque quis quam eros. Cras semper fermentum neque non ullamcorper. Aenean a eleifend nulla.

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Vivamus elit metus, rutrum id justo a, commodo egestas nibh. Curabitur viverra ullamcorper sapien nec hendrerit. Sed condimentum id libero non mollis. Aliquam sit amet est pharetra, vestibulum justo eget, luctus purus. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Phasellus dignissim tincidunt lorem ultrices ullamcorper. Proin tincidunt lorem ante, at tristique sem auctor accumsan. Aenean condimentum egestas convallis. Nam vestibulum vulputate sollicitudin. Ut et magna molestie, tempor metus nec, pretium tortor. Etiam eu libero mi. Mauris mauris magna, pulvinar sed rutrum eget, tristique eu lacus. Nulla eu porttitor mauris. Nullam arcu dui, feugiat in tincidunt non, rutrum eget purus. Etiam vulputate augue id dui pretium ultricies.

Praesent dictum porttitor porta. Fusce sodales rhoncus nibh vel porta. In placerat purus vitae mi rhoncus congue. Donec feugiat posuere lacus ac imperdiet. In rhoncus, ligula non porta bibendum, enim nunc dictum tellus, in scelerisque ligula nisi vitae felis. Suspendisse porttitor pharetra placerat. Proin ut lorem vitae massa eleifend maximus commodo ornare eros. Suspendisse potenti. In et porttitor ante. Maecenas vitae odio sagittis, commodo quam ac, sollicitudin lorem. Aenean scelerisque neque sit amet augue interdum gravida. Duis dolor diam, sagittis ut est non, rhoncus congue nunc. Nulla tristique quis enim vitae iaculis. Morbi tempor diam leo, quis aliquet nisi vulputate vel.

Etiam sit amet libero rutrum, tristique urna quis, porta augue. Vestibulum mauris purus, volutpat a consequat et, imperdiet id elit. Duis dictum, eros eu malesuada eleifend, odio quam rhoncus enim, at egestas nulla velit sit amet erat. Maecenas condimentum ipsum ut ornare congue. Aliquam eget est faucibus, rhoncus libero in, fermentum neque. Nullam sed pellentesque magna, sed finibus sapien. Cras consectetur dui sed tellus cursus aliquet. Vivamus feugiat vitae ligula quis posuere. Donec lacinia arcu dui, sit amet eleifend ipsum tempus nec. Praesent malesuada sit amet lacus et consequat. Donec eu laoreet est.

In congue purus non laoreet dictum. Duis enim magna, laoreet vel maximus vel, fringilla nec justo. Quisque vel risus sodales lorem porta ultrices. Maecenas pharetra velit eget enim tincidunt, vitae gravida leo hendrerit. Ut lobortis sapien eu odio posuere, a luctus leo volutpat. Nulla sit amet sem non odio pellentesque dapibus aliquet eu est. Ut hendrerit laoreet diam non posuere. Quisque sodales turpis nibh, a sollicitudin quam porttitor sed. Quisque consectetur elit in ultricies eleifend. Sed metus eros, consectetur a eleifend eget, sodales ac justo. Donec varius lacinia consequat. Praesent tempor nunc id pretium sollicitudin. Fusce egestas ac nibh eu aliquet. In ullamcorper dignissim blandit. Proin et urna eget arcu venenatis consectetur ac eu augue. Pellentesque faucibus nisi augue, vel vestibulum enim faucibus in.

Donec ornare lobortis mi a commodo. Aliquam a vulputate nisi. Integer egestas dolor in risus bibendum maximus in at augue. Proin tristique, ex interdum sagittis tincidunt, tortor augue consequat ipsum, eu blandit justo odio at ligula. Interdum et malesuada fames ac ante ipsum primis in faucibus. Aliquam porttitor pharetra diam vel euismod. Nulla eget diam dui. Phasellus ultricies elit eu urna pretium, eget ultricies purus tempus.

Aenean ac eros ac erat dapibus congue. Proin vel leo ac elit vulputate varius a non libero. Mauris consequat neque mauris, sit amet malesuada neque rutrum ac. Quisque eget rutrum odio. Pellentesque sodales nec est vel viverra. Nam pellentesque quis eros sed venenatis. Sed tincidunt pretium ultricies. In facilisis ipsum ac orci egestas porta. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Vivamus id massa in quam volutpat porta. Pellentesque malesuada lobortis eros, non commodo tellus consectetur ut.

Curabitur enim nisi, sodales non urna eget, condimentum molestie magna. Ut gravida nunc id quam imperdiet porttitor. Curabitur eget pharetra turpis. Donec mauris enim, semper eget molestie sed, aliquam vitae eros. Duis volutpat tellus fermentum justo maximus porta. Praesent vel rutrum est. Vestibulum sit amet velit vitae arcu vestibulum auctor. Vestibulum eleifend turpis vel sollicitudin scelerisque. In gravida leo ipsum, ut gravida leo porta nec. Fusce pulvinar aliquam ligula vitae mattis. Nam ut ante ut mi aliquet dictum. Nulla imperdiet elit velit. Nunc quis sodales nisl. Aenean a quam vel enim blandit dapibus eu et nulla. Sed sed nulla lacinia, varius massa at, tincidunt leo.

Suspendisse eget nibh sed erat lobortis fringilla eu ac mi. Nullam justo libero, finibus eu dui at, suscipit vehicula ex. Nunc venenatis, dui ut hendrerit malesuada, purus massa suscipit orci, efficitur luctus eros orci eget nisl. Aenean turpis mauris, venenatis ac rhoncus a, lacinia quis lorem. Curabitur quis pellentesque ipsum. In placerat nibh vitae lobortis vehicula. Morbi ultricies lacus sed aliquam mollis. In convallis quam dolor, ac volutpat augue aliquet in. Sed non volutpat turpis. Suspendisse consequat turpis eget fermentum consectetur. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Nunc eu libero et ligula tincidunt interdum. Quisque dui dui, tempor in tellus sed, tincidunt consequat mi.

Vivamus turpis sapien, consequat quis purus eu, sodales tincidunt erat. Cras ut lectus a libero mollis faucibus sed id risus. Mauris non bibendum est. Phasellus sit amet purus vehicula, facilisis sem et, dictum diam. In placerat arcu eget tempor varius. Integer dignissim nibh ut libero venenatis, at ornare dolor rutrum. Donec in elit mi. Suspendisse quis laoreet nulla, ut placerat leo. Nullam quis egestas sem. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Aliquam scelerisque diam risus, eget elementum ligula gravida vel. Quisque feugiat, mauris a tempus imperdiet, lorem lacus dapibus neque, quis egestas dui elit pellentesque neque.

Quisque feugiat lectus tellus, eget porttitor ante facilisis eget. Donec eget magna massa. Morbi faucibus fringilla turpis, et tempor orci efficitur et. Vestibulum non egestas lacus. Pellentesque egestas rhoncus neque, nec tincidunt magna consequat nec. Donec lobortis tincidunt est vel ultricies. Fusce viverra feugiat lacus ac cursus. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Donec velit felis, interdum ut egestas vel, mollis et ante. Cras vulputate pretium ante, nec commodo nibh ullamcorper porta. Pellentesque pulvinar, metus et tempor consectetur, ligula dolor placerat erat, et sodales sapien tellus vitae mi. Pellentesque sed augue vitae tortor dictum mattis. Aliquam erat volutpat. Nunc vel nisl fringilla, pellentesque enim vel, consectetur lorem. Ut auctor turpis in orci sodales hendrerit. In imperdiet erat in quam mollis lacinia.

Aenean bibendum in augue vel tristique. Donec in posuere ligula, ac cursus eros. Donec facilisis ligula facilisis convallis condimentum. Sed bibendum odio mattis, convallis sem at, vulputate mauris. Mauris elementum mauris in dui placerat, et cursus augue porttitor. Praesent lorem mauris, rutrum vel lobortis ut, pretium in ex. Etiam feugiat dui in pellentesque gravida.

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Nullam non lacus a purus hendrerit ultrices. Etiam ullamcorper mi eget congue faucibus. Praesent eget viverra nunc. Phasellus facilisis, dolor eu ornare mollis, dui purus vehicula neque, vel auctor odio arcu eu elit. Aenean condimentum, neque sed ultricies efficitur, mauris ex commodo nulla, ac semper mauris dolor in nibh. Ut ac magna rhoncus, laoreet nunc vehicula, facilisis nulla. Morbi id sagittis sem. Cras quis eleifend tortor, quis vestibulum ipsum. Nullam quis auctor augue. Nunc lacinia mi quis magna tristique faucibus.

Curabitur a tincidunt augue. Phasellus eget ullamcorper mauris. Sed accumsan nibh sed augue posuere congue. Donec molestie, elit nec lobortis semper, augue ipsum suscipit lectus, sed vulputate nisl neque in ipsum. Sed maximus ipsum sapien, semper feugiat arcu porta cursus. Nam elementum sollicitudin augue non luctus. Nam ultricies pharetra velit, eget tincidunt metus auctor vel. Praesent rhoncus urna vitae elit lobortis posuere. Donec eget nulla et lacus cursus efficitur ac id arcu. Pellentesque venenatis dolor nec consequat rutrum. Praesent ex dui, auctor posuere nisl sit amet, convallis finibus orci. Suspendisse accumsan vehicula pretium. Nulla fermentum nibh et tortor tempus, at placerat metus faucibus. Sed sagittis fermentum molestie. Cras rhoncus ex ut semper faucibus.

Nunc quis rutrum massa, posuere facilisis leo. Curabitur vel laoreet nibh. Vivamus ac ante et erat bibendum ultricies. Curabitur imperdiet vulputate urna, vel porta neque scelerisque ac. Sed lectus urna, lobortis eu mollis eget, gravida vel lacus. Aliquam erat volutpat. Sed sit amet pellentesque turpis, id fermentum ex. Cras laoreet mattis placerat. Nullam vel libero ac libero pulvinar aliquet in sit amet lacus. Vestibulum eget vestibulum enim. Nullam sodales quam vitae condimentum consequat. Quisque sed ipsum non ipsum mattis pretium. Suspendisse at commodo diam, vitae sollicitudin orci. Cras ullamcorper justo ut mi pulvinar suscipit. Donec facilisis luctus risus vel cursus. Etiam eu iaculis augue.

Pellentesque sollicitudin auctor lectus, euismod aliquam sem placerat eget. Curabitur mi odio, varius id tortor vitae, accumsan ultrices ipsum. Donec tempor ante tristique sem sollicitudin blandit. Integer tempus scelerisque faucibus. Mauris dapibus interdum libero a cursus. Nunc a dapibus quam, quis sollicitudin felis. Pellentesque facilisis vel neque fermentum faucibus. Fusce venenatis, purus quis tincidunt placerat, felis leo ultrices mi, et condimentum turpis enim iaculis ligula. Proin in nulla id diam vestibulum vehicula id eget massa. Suspendisse dapibus, purus luctus varius tincidunt, odio purus venenatis justo, at suscipit leo nibh non justo. Sed vehicula in tortor quis venenatis. Quisque eu risus nisi. Nulla.

test time 3 May 11, 2016 at 1:36 pm

testing time… 3minutes before save 1:35

testing ability to save May 11, 2016 at 1:26 pm

hello this is a test

test 10000 2 May 11, 2016 at 1:14 pm

test 10000 2 May 11, 2016 at 1:03 pm

test 10000 May 11, 2016 at 1:03 pm

test 5000 May 11, 2016 at 12:54 pm

Jason Letter V2–still maybe not quite. May 11, 2016 at 12:17 pm

Hi Jason…

You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t stayed in touch since we met at the restaurant. Frankly, it’s because I left our conversation and felt really uncomfortable, and then baffled. I was baffled that you never once brought up the way our friendship ended to discuss it, explain it, apologize…anything. Not a word? And it’s not like there weren’t opportunities. We talked about how long it has been since then (it was the day Zelda died) and how awful and wrenching it is to lose beloved pets. And not a word. I know you said in your text that you can’t really explain what happened and that you’re sorry, and at the time and in that context I said that was fine, but it’s not fine if you have any intention of having any kind of relationship with me.

A couple years after you ditched me, you wrote me a letter. I remember that letter. No apology, no explanation. Mostly it struck me at the time that you were really congratulating yourself for doing something you needed to do for your own well being, and that’s a big reason I never answered it.

What you did was awful and mean-spirited. You disappeared. At a horrible time. You knew me so very well, and you chose to end our friendship in a way you had to know would be awful for me. I was only ever there for you. I would never have done that to you. I’ve even been supportive in our recent conversations…talking about your loss of Fergal, which I’m honestly so sorry about, and your loss of your job, and your move, and your depression. I understand all these things, and I understand who you are (or who you were when we were close friends) and I still have the urge to support you, because I still care for you.

But I am not the same person I was, nor are you. The person I am now is not interested in being picked up like a dropped toy when it’s convenient with no explanation. I’m not interested in a relationship with someone who could be so cruel to me and then not spend the time and energy it would take to have a real conversation about it.

I won’t let one of the most hurtful events in my history of friendships be glossed over because time has passed. You dropped me completely. I was devastated. I bowed out and kept things uncomplicated by stepping out of friendships we shared, which piled on additional loss and hurt. This was a huge deal. You’ve reappeared. You’ve reached out. We have had a ‘chat.’ Without a conversation that would clearly take much more care, consideration, and thought, all this will have served to do is re-irritate an old but very deep wound. I expect more from people I’m even just acquaintances with.

Here’s what I expect instead: even for much smaller issues, I expect thoughtful conversations to resolve issues or discomforts. I expect that I’ll have to do lots of internal work for many of my relationships, and I want those relationships to be with people who are willing and interested in doing the same. I expect respect, clarity, and friends who share the weight. I don’t give as much away for free anymore, and I don’t want to. I get angry when people take me for granted or overlook my feelings. I gave you some text time, some in person time. You didn’t do anything to earn it, but I did it, partly out of curiosity I guess, and to see what would happen. I don’t like what happened. That’s on you. This whole thing is on you.

So. That’s where I stand. And there are two choices from here: you decide you want to fight to have some kind of relationship with me, and you figure out how to earn that, or you don’t. I don’t know how I feel about the former. The latter is the status quo, with the added feature of you now being clear how I feel.

And that’s really all I have to say.

Tamara

Letter to Jason May 11, 2016 at 11:46 am

Hi Jason…

But I am not the same person I was, nor are you. The person I am now is not interested in being picked up like a meanly-dropped toy when it’s convenient with no explanation. I’m not interested in a relationship with someone who could be so cruel to me and then not spend the time and energy it would take to have a real conversation about it. I won’t let one of the most hurtful events in my history of friendships be glossed over because time has passed. You’ve reappeared. You’ve reached out. We have had a ‘chat.’ Without a conversation that would clearly take much more care, consideration, and thought, all this will have served to do is re-irritate an old but very deep wound. I expect more from people I’m even just acquaintances with.

So. That’s where I stand.

Tamara

Testing journal entry… May 1, 2016 at 4:02 pm

testing
testing
testing

Thoughts on “Change” January 19, 2016 at 12:58 pm

I’m really stubborn. And that stubbornness can work as much against me as for me. I think that this Max thing was actually perfect, and that it forced me to ‘hit bottom’ in some was. I also think it’s not coincidence that my dad is dying and that I’m just now getting ready to come out of my shell a bit.

The stubbornness has been about not being able / willing to see myself as being able to change, and not wanting to. I still feel that in thoughts that get me stuck, like “how am I supposed to envision what I want if I have no idea what ‘could be?’ I’m so much better at identifying things I DON’T want, and I see examples of that everywhere around me (eg relationships that aren’t ones I’d want to be in).”

It is reassuring when Jen says that the change is already under way. It’s not something I have to gear up for or start from scratch. At first my thought was ‘well I don’t feel like I’m changing. I feel like shit (during the Max stuff) and find it really easy to identify ways I’m just repeating old patterns. that’s not change!’

But Jen has a point. I’ve never been willing to crack open this DateWise book before, or put the effort into typing stuff in. And I have no idea what I’ll think of dating, or if I’ll like it, or find someone that is really interesting and great to be around and will want to create with me some way of being together that works for both of us. I have no idea how I’ll handle the rejections, or the breakup that could happen after being with someone for a while. but I don’t really care about that or worry about it right now. Instead, I just don’t want the status quo anymore. I care less about figuring out what I’m working towards than I care about getting started moving AWAY FROM the status quo. It’s just not fun now, and I can’t see it being fun moving forward. So, I have to do something else. It doesn’t really matter what that ‘something else’ is at the moment. I’m just willing to try.

BUT I know so clearly now that i can’t ‘try’ by myself. I just can’t. I’m trying to unpack the stubborn feeling of not being able to change that I’ve had / protected in therapy for so many years. I think a big part of it was the ‘smart voice’ / asshole voice in my head that pretends to be the smartest part of myself, and smarter than everyone around me. It intercepts all incoming voices. And I think it was ‘saying’ that there was no one who could help (after all, if I’m smarter than everyone, then why would I look outside myself for help? Interesting writing that makes me realize that thought totally mirrors the ‘closed room’ of the family–we were the best, so no one else was allowed in.)

I like that DateWise is a structured way to get help.

Aha Moments January 19, 2016 at 12:49 pm

This is my first set of AHA moments:

When I think of dating I think I don’t want to deal with anyone else’s extended family.

Dangerous. This is a repetition of the ‘isolated adlins’ thing.

Wanting ‘another heartbeat in the house.’

I think that having someone else in the house will be activating to me…but I picture that activation as happening IN the house—eg, crafts, cleaning up. As an extension of this idea, I crave the snuggling/ attention/ intimacy stuff that’s part of ‘being in the little room’ as Jen described it—Inviting someone into my isolation with me, creating my own little unbreakable unit like my parents did with my family. Dangerous.

I get scared that finding, facing, changing these old patterns is going to take forever.

I think that’s because I’ve been in therapy so long and still feel so far from ‘cured’ or ‘over it’ or like I’ve found, faced, changed the stuff I’ve been working on there.

Body issues

I tell myself the story that Max was attracted to my body because he isn’t American, and that American men will think that I’m lazy and unattractive for having a soft and out-of-shape body. That it’s something like being foreign that’s the only way that a man can be interested in and attracted to me the way I am/look now.

I don’t have a lot of memories of people responding to me. Instead, I was ‘observed.’

There weren’t people comformting me, or helping me mke sense of my uset. Dad talked at me, mom observed.

Everything was based on performance and not who I was. As Jonna says, I wasn’t really related to. I was watched or treated as an extension of the awesomeness of our family, or isolated into the little ‘closed room’ of our family unit as Jen calls it.

Dealing with Conflict January 9, 2016 at 1:05 pm

I don’t feel I have the right tools to deal well with conflict.

Primary Emotions January 9, 2016 at 11:02 am

My primary emotions are Afraid, Shameful, and Happy. I think this is consistent with my childhood abuse and those emotions have persisted into adulthood. I do not express anger because I have always had a very negative response from other people when I express any negative emotions.

When you are afraid, you might feel anxious, worried, angry, irritated, jumpy, ashamed or as if you’re walking on eggshells. You may become defensive, judgmental or controlling. You might find yourself criticizing or blaming others.

When you are shameful, you might feel worthless, unlovable, abandoned, embarrassed and needy. It can also show up as fear, anger and disappointment.

Happiness encompasses joy, openness and love, and happens when you are feeling nurtured, validated, cared for, connected and fulfilled.

Considering different men December 29, 2015 at 7:47 pm

I had lunch with a former boss and a few days later my insurance broker from a prior job. Even though they are both married, I reflected about finding men more with their qualities than the men I have typically been attracted to and started seeing “normal” men a little differently. Likewise I took some time reflecting a couple prior boyfriends I talked with recently and was reminded from a distance the qualities I need to NOT overlook.

Good connections December 29, 2015 at 7:43 pm

A) I talked to a really interesting guy (Mike) at SeaTac, each of us eating lunch waiting for our flights. It was a pleasure (mutual) conversing so easily. I would have loved to have talked longer. B)- I talked with a bartender, Lydia, in CA and asked her to turn one of the TV’s to the Seahawks. She did and I struck up conversations with several people around me throughout the game. It was a neighborhood vibe and it was nice just to connect, which is not my normal in those situations. Lydia even stayed to watch the rest of the game with me when her shift ended.

Closing oneself off as a result of being belittled and teased December 23, 2015 at 10:08 pm

In childhood, when she expressed her needs she was belittled and teased. She reacted by shutting down and closing herself off. As an adult, she repeated this pattern with romantic partners.

Partners who are emotionally unavailable and put their needs before mine December 23, 2015 at 9:44 pm

If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable or distant, you’ve probably been attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Or you might have feared feeling vulnerable, so you stayed single for long periods of time.

If your caregivers put their emotional or physical needs before yours, you might have been attracted to men who expected you to take care of them at the expense of your own needs. Or you might have felt ashamed to express your own needs and therefore buried them to protect yourself.

Forgiving is better than the alternative December 23, 2015 at 1:29 pm

Concentrate your mental dialogue on forgiving yourself — for picking the wrong guy, for missing signs that all wasn’t well, for not fully embracing upfront that having real feelings for real people is a messy business, that disappointments are inevitable — and that some slap us harder than others.

Or just forgive yourself for caring so much, since it’s better than the alternative — even when it feels otherwise.

Journal Entry 1 May 24, 2015 at 3:12 pm

Journaling is rad!

Validation From Being Open May 15, 2015 at 1:35 pm

I am realizing how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and put myself out there. One of my target goals is to be more open with my communication regardless of the response. Today I sent a text to Tom (we’ve been texting consistently and he’s been extremely open with me in communicating how he feels and that he is missing me, etc.). I was feeling really good in the moment and I wanted him to know so I said” I really appreciate how open and easy it’s been communicating with you while I am gone. I think it says a lot. Very much looking forward to seeing you when I get back. Enjoy the rest of your day”. And no response..I saw myself go the place of unease and anxiety and I began questioning and wishing I never sent that text. But then I realized – I want someone that I can be vulnerable around and feel safe doing it. And me sending that text is more about me putting myself out there and practicing that versus his response and validation. And all of these things I am doing is helping me evaluate the kind of person he is for me and if this is someone that I want to pursue something more with. So I need to take some steps back and realize that I am still in that evaluation phase and whatever comes out of this experience, I am learning so much more about myself.

Positive Things From Date May 15, 2015 at 7:37 am

Some positive things for me included: meeting new and interesting people; going on day dates and just enjoying the process (like my movie date and my green lake walk date); learning how to be a really good listener and truly practicing the art of listening to what the person is saying; and just learning more about what I want and am looking for

Date successes this year May 14, 2015 at 6:32 am

Since the new year – I feel like I have had some good successes with dates. Before this time, I was going on one date each and it was difficult for me to get or even want a second date with the guys I was meeting. Since January, I met two guys and with each one we went on 3-4 dates each. And now I am dating a new guy and we’ve done 7 dates. So I feel that I am attracting more of the type of guy that I am looking for.

Fear of Getting Involved April 26, 2015 at 5:10 pm

In sitting and reflecting on my last date with Tom – I’m realizing the struggle I am in in trying to find the balance of enjoying the dating process while being okay with not knowing where it necessarily may lead to. So – I right now, don’t have any expectations for where my relationship with Tom will go. I feel like I am still figuring it out and getting to know him. But the fear that is creeping in – is the fear that what if I end up liking him and he leaves. And then I’ll be left with that familiar feeling of sadness, loneliness and starting over. I know this isn’t a good way to approach it and it something that I have to work through, but it is still looming for me.

Inner Critic March 30, 2015 at 8:26 pm

My inner critic forces me to believe that I am not smart enough and that I don’t belong in my program. It tells me that everyone around me is smarter than me. My inner critic also tells me that it will be difficult for me to find love. It tells me that it can’t picture me in a loving relationship where I will be accepted for with all my strengths and weaknesses.

When my inner critic compares me to others it says “he/she is smarter than you” “he/she get it so much better than you” or “she has so much self-confidence and that’s why her relationship is working” or “she’s so lucky that she found the one” or even “why doesn’t she have to do any self-work, but yet she was still able to find the perfect partner?”

The impossible standards it sets for me to achieve are: I have to look a certain way, enjoy certain activities, and exude a certain type of confidence for men to like me or want to be with me.

It blames me for “feeling stupid and dumb and for basically having those feelings”. It blames me for not exerting myself with guys in the past. It blames me for being too shy and not confident enough to go after what I wanted”.

In ways does it track what’s wrong in your life: anytime I have a possible success in school, it reminds me that I probably fooled someone, or that I may not be deserving of that accomplishment or achievement.

It sabotages by telling me “you didn’t really earn that” “they’re just saying that to make you feel better”

It tells me that its going to be hard to find a long term lasting relationship and its going to be difficult to find someone that truly accepts me for me.

Being Able to Express My Needs March 14, 2015 at 12:07 pm

I am realizing after completing step 1 that my inability to express my needs to a partner are not just my wants and desires, but it also my inability to at times express positive things, such as affection and love. I have always had a difficult time expressing my needs in bed and my positive feelings towards the person. I think this is really important for me to recognize and understand.

Making connections in expressing emotions March 12, 2015 at 10:21 am

I am realizing from Step 1- that as a child I never felt truly comfortable expressing my emotions to my family – specifically emotions around if I was upset or sad. I think I felt that they wouldn’t understand or perhaps would be too judgmental around what I said. I see this pattern repeating in my relationships. The same discomfort I felt approaching my parents is similar in a way to the reservations I have in opening up to my partners. With my partners, it’s the vulnerability of myself that I am so afraid to reveal. And I think this is a pattern that carries into my friendships and my inability to tell my friends at times what I need or want- I share a similar fear that if I express my needs, I may lose the friendship or I may turn them off from myself.

New Entry January 14, 2015 at 11:28 am

Another wonderful day!

Third Journal Entry January 14, 2015 at 11:27 am

Yay!!

You won’t believe what happened today January 14, 2015 at 11:04 am

seriously!!

My First Journal Entry January 14, 2015 at 10:51 am

Dear Diary….

Ready to start your journey to love?

THE SEVEN STEPS TO LOVE