David was extremely comforting and supportive. He would stop everything and listen to me and what I was feeling. And after listening, he would have given me advice on what I can do about the situation. He would sit there with me or talk on the phone with me and talk me through it for as long as I needed. If we were in person, he would hug me or take my hand and really try to comfort me with body language. On the phone, he would tell me that I am a great person and I shouldn’t feel dumb or inadequate for what has happened. And he would tell me he loves me.
How it made me feeL:I felt great. I always knew I could go to David for anything. He was so extremely supportive and I always felt that he had my back. I felt a sense of safety knowing that I had someone who truly got me and was on my side.
Kevin’s ReactionKevin was my boyfriend in college. It is a bit more difficult to recall what he would have done in this scenario. But I don’t feel like he would have been as comforting. I can see him consoling me and trying to make me feel better, but not to the same extent as David (as I described above). I don’t think he would have spent as much time talking about it. And I’m not sure how safe I felt going to Kevin with this type of problem, definitely not to the same level as I felt safe approaching David. And it’s not like Kevin would have not listened as well – I just felt more insecure around him. I was so in love with him and I never felt we are are on the same plane (I always felt I was more into him than he was into me). With David, it was the exact opposite – which probably explains why I felt so comfortable going to him, because I had the security in the relationship that I needed.
How I reacted to my partner:Difficult to recall – because I don’t really remember going to him with these type of problems. Maybe they were more surface issues – but I feel like I recall talking more to him about his stuff than mine per se.
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. David’s Response:David would feel extremely bad and he would be super apologetic. Almost to an annoying level (just too many apologies). He would communicate how sorry he was almost to a fault. And he would listen to my side and probably not repeat the same pattern again.
How it made me feeL:I would be appreciative of his response. However, I also feel at times that I took advantage of his sincerity and apologizing nature. I knew with David that I could push him pretty far. So if he messed up – I could make him feel really bad about it. I felt that I had that type of power or control in the relationship. And because of that, and because he allowed me to do that a lot, I think I really took advantage of that. So in some instances, even if the incident may have been minor, I can recall starting a fight or argument about it – just because I could (or maybe it was more to see how far I could really push him?)
Kevin’s ReactionKevin was very honest – so he would probably admit to it. I actually recall a scenario where we were lying in bed and he was telling me about this girl in his class (this is in college) that he felt this desire to want to sit by. And I remember completely freezing and getting so upset. And I asked him if he felt he may have feelings for her (or something to that effect). And his response was something to the effect of he wasn’t sure or didn’t know. Instead of trying to comfort me and say “absolutely not”-he was really honest about it. I think that is a pretty good depiction of how he was in general.
How I reacted to my partner:In this situation, I just felt so sad and upset. I also felt super insecure (pretty much for most of the relationship) – so him telling me this only added to my feelings of insecurity. I do recall feeing really sad and just scared of losing him. And I remember feeling these feelings a lot. There were multiple instances that if we got into an argument or dispute – even if he was probably wrong, I found myself being the apologetic one or trying to make the situation better.
In this particular instance, I didn’t really express that I was upset or that what he said made me feel sad and insecure. I think I was probably afraid that if I did say something – he might leave or it may turn him away from me, or it may validate already what I was feeling.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. David’s Response:David would tell me that that is not going to happen. That I am smart and that there are things I can do. He would take more of a logical practical approach and help me problem solve a scenario like this. In other words, he would help me come up with some type of action plan.
How it made me feeL:His response made me feel comforted, secure, and overall I just felt better – again, knowing that he had my back and was there for me.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. David’s Response:While this scenario really never came up – I do think David would have been okay with how I was feeling. I feel like he would have understood and said “that’s okay”. One thing this does make me think about is – even if he wasn’t 100% okay with my response or not wanting to go to one of these events, he probably wouldn’t have communicated that to me in the moment. I feel like it would come up later and then I would learn that that actually may have bothered or upset him.
How it made me feeL:I of course would have appreciated the response, but I think I probably would have felt really guilty too for not going and probably would have just done it, even if I wasn’t up for it.
If I did find out later that he was upset about something, but didn’t communicate it to me in the moment – I think my reaction would have been to probably get upset at him for not communicating what he was feeling at the time.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. David’s Response:David would be super understanding and I don’t recall him ever getting mad at me for any of these situations.
How it made me feeL:Felt good – again comforted by his reaction
Tim’s ReactionTim (first guy I dated in Seattle for 2 months) – I recall being at his place and washing a pot that shouldn’t have been washed and he snapped at me and said “I told you this can’t be washed.”
How I reacted to my partner:I was shocked..I didn’t say anything but “I’m sorry, I confused it with a different pot”. But it really bothered me how he reacted to something as minor as that.
6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. David’s Response:David would be elated for me and would celebrate in my joy and happiness. If I was happy or expressed happiness, he would respond in that way back.
How it made me feeL:I loved how happy he would be for me for my happiness. I always looked forward to telling him these kind of things because I know he would have responded in such a positive way.
Kevin’s ReactionHard to recall what his reaction would be. I feel like he would have been positive, but not to the same extent as David.
How I reacted to my partner: 7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. David’s Response:This scenario makes me think about moments when I would get upset at David for things that happened in his life (ie. not standing up to his parents, putting work at times in front of my needs, not taking care of himself physically). When these things would come up – depending on the situation – he would be apologetic or he would get upset. Not upset in regards to trying to start an argument would me – but it would be obvious that he would be upset and would need time process whatever I just said. So if he understood where I was coming from he would respond with “Your right..I have to do something about that”. If he didn’t understand he would probably shut down and not talk for a bit.
How it made me feeL:When he agreed with where I was coming from, I felt good – that he was getting it.
David’s ReactionIf he didn’t agree with what I said, he would shut down for a bit and ask for some space.
How I reacted to my partner:When he would shut down- I would in a way become more clingy. It was hard for me to have him shut down – I would get worried that I upset him. At times I remember even feeling this dramatic response of “he’s going to break up with me..I’ve pushed him too far this time.” And that would create more anxiety for me. It’s hard to exactly recall, but I feel like in these instances, instead of giving him the space, I would keep trying to press him to talk. I wanted to smooth things over right away – it was hard for me to just wait. I basically wanted things to be better right away. I think I probably apologized a lot too -to try to smooth it over.
In addition, if he continued to resist talking about it – I recall a couple of times just getting angry and mad at him – I don’t think I truly understood what he needed to do to process things.
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. partner john’s Response:Why are you still crying over this is thanksgiving your ruining the holiday
How it made me feeL:Like crap and my feelings didn’t matter
partner’s John’s ReactionHe was so mad at me
How I reacted to my partner:I sucked it up and played happy for the holidays
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. partner’s john’s Response:Oh I told you about that you just don’t remember
How it made me feeL:Why are you hiding things from me or not telling me
partner’s john’s ReactionIt’s not me its you
How I reacted to my partner:Mad as usual
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. partner’s john’s Response:You never have enough money your basically worthless
How it made me feeL:I felt worthless
partner’s john’s ReactionWell you need to fix this
How I reacted to my partner:I would go silent
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. partner’s john’s Response:Oh no you ruin everything. I won’t go with out you and will look bad on me because of you
How it made me feeL:Mad that I can’t have my moments
partner’s john’s ReactionPissed off till he gets his way
How I reacted to my partner:Go silent and do what I’m told
5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. partner’s john’s Response:Oh it will be ok
How it made me feeL:Well that was nice and supportive
partner’s john’s ReactionHappy that I recognize he is supportive
How I reacted to my partner:Happy
6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. partner’s john’s Response:I got a new car to lower my payments he got mad I didn’t tell him
How it made me feeL:I was confused
partner’s john’s ReactionMad at me told me to get out I was working in this relationship
How I reacted to my partner:I moved out
7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. partner’s John’s Response:You can’t control everything
How it made me feeL:Sad but I know
partner’s john’s ReactionMad at me
How I reacted to my partner:Get silent
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. partner’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. Keith’s Response:When I would talk about the challenging caregiving weekends when my Mom had cancer and watching my Dad age so rapidly, Keith listened politely then quickly changed the topic.
How it made me feeL:Hurt, let down, definitely not “there” for me
Gary’s ReactionHe was patient and listened, but then came the awkward hug and look and then he would leave or get off the phone as quickly as possible.
How I reacted to my partner:I just let the topic get changed or him leave. I was used to dealing with things on my own.
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. Tyler’s Response:He never met a deadline he couldn’t miss. Despite many conversations about it, he was frequently late (sometimes by hours). He would hug me and give me the run down on what detained him (migraines, kids, church, worked late, etc.)
How it made me feeL:Unloved, hurt, used, disrespected
Barry’s ReactionHe scheduled a photo shoot of Celeste (slutty wannabe model) instead of celebrating our 5 year anniversary. He frequently provoked a reaction, got the reaction he was seeking then played the victim. I would call him on that stunt every time, which he thought was funny.
How I reacted to my partner:Tyler – I’d cry, talk it out and forgive him every time. Barry – I told him how upsetting that was for our anniversary. He ended up rescheduling the shoot but the day was tainted in that I even had to bring it up.
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. ex-husband’s Response:I was worried that there wouldn’t be enough money to pay the bills or have anything in savings. He just kept right on spending despite being unemployed for a few months. We had numerous fights over money. He “had” to have a Boston Whaler and fishing gear galore, $250 Timberland boots to go to church, etc. – it just never stopped.
How it made me feeL:Used, lovable only for my money, exhausted from all the overtime I had to work to pay the bills. It just reaffirmed if we were going to get the bills paid, it would be because of my efforts.
Keith’s Reactionlistened politely then changed the topic – definitely uncomfortable when I was anxious / worried. He minimized my fears.
How I reacted to my partner:Talk about my need to vent, then change the topic. It was just reaffirmation on both counts that I was on my own to deal with everything and there was no emotional support going to happen.
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. ex-husband’s Response:I had major surgery a couple days before Christmas and asked for no visitors afterward. Gary had his Mom come over anyway. He also had me cook a birthday dinner for his family (10 people) when I returned from a week in Chicago, 2 hours after I got home. Despite discussions on my needs, he did what he wanted.
How it made me feeL:Used, hurt, not supported or loved, angry at him and his family
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner:I just did it and tried to be pleasant. Fights occasionally, but they served no purpose except for an outlet for my anger at times.
5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. Keith’s Response:He listened and occasionally commented, but more often than not he just changed the topic
How it made me feeL:Hurt, not taken seriously, reaffirmation that I was on my own to deal with things
Tyler’s ReactionHe listened and participated in the conversation; he understood I was typically just venting and didn’t need him to do anything.
How I reacted to my partner:I’d stay engaged in the conversation as long as they did, then would change topics and move on. I knew there was a limit to the conversations.
6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Gary’s Response:I traded the MR2 in on a SUV and he thought I’d need his help buying my car and he also had wanted to drive the MR2.
How it made me feeL:Amused. In the end it was all about him, not me.
Keith’s Reactionhappy for my new job / raise, but he just kind of laughed – it was more a reflection that it had nothing to do with him
How I reacted to my partner:I felt happy for myself and didn’t spend much time on their responses.
7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. Barry’s Response:Made a demeaning comment about me to my parents.
How it made me feeL:Embarrassed, hurt.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner:I didn’t. I talked about it but Barry minimized it and said it was a joke. He liked a constant state of drama and I tried hard not to show a reaction.
1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. Jim’s Response:Maybe you should have…
How it made me feeL:not helpful, critical
Ed’s Reactionno response, just listened
How I reacted to my partner:used him like a sounding board
2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. Jim’s Response:told me I was crazy
How it made me feeL:confused, hurt
Ed’s ReactionTold me he had no secrets from me
How I reacted to my partner:rationally
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Jim’s Response:dismissive, didn’t want to discuss
How it made me feeL:alone, hurt, scared
Ed’s Reactionlistened, didn’t comment
How I reacted to my partner:no reaction
4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. Ed’s Response:ok, no response
How it made me feeL:cold
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. Jim’s Response:turned it around and made it about him, like I had done something to inconvenience him
How it made me feeL:crazy
Ed’s Reactionno response
How I reacted to my partner:none
6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Jim’s Response:couldn’t relate to my happiness
How it made me feeL:alone
Ed’s Reactionlistened, congratulated me
How I reacted to my partner:none
7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. Jim’s Response:denial
How it made me feeL:hopeless
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. husband’s Response:Would say he’s sorry and give me a hug
How it made me feeL:Really good, love and supported
husband’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. Lance’s Response: How it made me feeL: Lance’s ReactionHe would get very defensive, especially if he was drunk
How I reacted to my partner:Like I was crazy and that I had got it wrong
3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Lance’s Response:He would listen and offer support
How it made me feeL:Loved and supported
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. Lance’s Response:He would be supportive of that.. but I would actually rarely do something like that. I’m not a low energy person usually. But maybe I felt obligation over my own needs.
How it made me feeL:He was very supportive of my so I felt good.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. Lance’s Response:He would commiserate and offer to help.
How it made me feeL:Loved and supported
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Lance’s Response:He would want to celebrate with me.
How it made me feeL:Happy!
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. Lance’s Response:He would retreat and not be emotionally supportive. But a lot of that behavior was usually his (drinking too much, etc)
How it made me feeL:He was emotionally unavailable.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. Husband’s Response:Hug me. Talk about it with me.
How it made me feeL:Comforted.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 2. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE MY PARTNER FLIRTED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MADE A SARCASTIC OR EMBARRASSING REMARK ABOUT ME OR HE DID SOMETHING ELSE THAT UPSET ME. partner’s name’s Response:Don’t overreact.
How it made me feeL:Diminished.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 3. I WAS ANXIOUS AND WORRIED THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE, THAT MY CHILD’S ATTITUDE SEEMED NEGATIVE, THAT MY AGING PARENTS NEEDED MORE CARE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Husband’s Response:Talk about it, try to help solve the problem.
How it made me feeL:Appreciative.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 4. I FELT TIRED, HAD LOW-ENERGY OR WAS A LITTLE DEPRESSED, AND I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO HIS HOLIDAY WORK PARTY, MEET HIS PARENTS FOR DINNER,COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR A HOST OF RELATIVES OR DO SOMETHING ELSE. Husband’s Response:Cajole me.
How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. Husband’s Response:Calm down.
How it made me feeL:Patronized. Angrier.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Husband’s Response:That’s great!
How it made me feeL:Happy
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. Husband’s Response:Embarrassment
How it made me feeL:Inconsolable.
partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: 1. I CRIED BECAUSE I GOT A LOUSY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AT WORK, MY MOTHER SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME (AGAIN) OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD. Paul’s Response:I never cried with him except for when my sister died. If I got a lousy performance review (or whatever) I would pretty much keep it in as I would be ashamed. I kept a lot in.
How it made me feeL: Paul’s ReactionIf I did reveal my hurt, his reaction would be one of:
1) Belittling the offender without a full understanding of the situation, or
2) Suggesting that perhaps I was the one at fault
I would withdraw and give as few details as possible about the situation.
I would feel like he didn’t fully understand what was going on
I felt like it was not safe enough to cry
He would either:
1) Rationalize it
2) Said that I was the one with the problem and they were justified in doing whatever
No one ever admitted guilt or apologized
How I reacted to my partner:I would be frustrated and angry.
I felt like I was not heard and that my thoughts and feelings were not legitimate.
I was made to feel inadequate.
I unable to voice my thoughts or feelings and therefore stuffed them.
I was hurt.
I began to question myself and my self esteem
This is the kind of thing that usually would lead to our break-up as I felt totally used.
He would reassuring with logic and help break down the problem to find solutions and resolution.
How it made me feeL:It made me feel comforted and heard.. He took me seriously.
Jack, Paul’s ReactionThey would negate the concern.
They didn’t listen or care enough to understand.
I felt very alone and sad.
I would withdraw.
He often would work to find a solution that satisfied both of us.
How it made me feeL:I felt taken care of.
Jack’s ReactionHe would tell me to get with the program, buck up
How I reacted to my partner:I would feel alone and sad.
5. I FELT ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY REAR-ENDED SOMEONE, LOST THE DOG AT THE PARK, I WAS LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED. Mark’s Response:Matter-of-factly helped resolve the issue. He would try and comfort me. He would help to contain the issue and but it in perspective.
How it made me feeL:I would feel less desperate and that I had someone on my side.
Paul’s ReactionHe would blame it on me, making it somehow my fault.
Or, if it was my fault he would be tough or angry.
I felt sad and depressed with nowhere to release my feelings of frustration or fear.
6. I WAS HAPPY ABOUT GETTING A RAISE OR PROMOTION, LOSING FIVE POUNDS, FINDING THE PERFECT RUG ON SALE OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Jack’s Response:He was very encouraging, but it was often without basis, therefore feeling hollow.
How it made me feeL:Sometimes I felt proud, but other times I would feel not truly seen or understood.
Paul’s ReactionHe would not celebrate, but rather look for the negative or perhaps not see the achievement as good enough. “That was good, BUT….. “
He never thought that I could do anything right.
I felt diminished. He tried to make me feel dumb, but I would just get angry and frustrated.
7. I FELT ASHAMED BECAUSE MY PARTNER DRANK TOO MUCH IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, HE DIDN’T GET HIS ANNUAL BONUS, MY CHILD DIDN’T MAKE THE HONOR ROLL OR SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO MAKE ME FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED. partner’s name’s Response:We never talked about it, so nothing happened.
How it made me feeL: partner’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my partner: