Step ONE A Admin View

by formidable
1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD mother’s Response:

I recall my mom’s first reaction being pretty dramatic and serious with a “What’s wrong?! What happened?!”. If I ever was crying and it wasn’t in regards to a fight I had with her or someone in my family, my mom was very quick to console and find out what was wrong. Based on what I said the situation was she would respond in a “don’t cry..you don’t need to cry about that. stop being so stupid (but in a gentle/funny way)”.She didn’t imply that I was being stupid, but I think it was her way to help me snap out of it. We never dissected the problem though or analyzed. I don’t recall being given strategies for how to problem solve these instances.

It is really hard though to recall these moments. Because as a kid, I don’t remember going to my mom for any of these things. I feel like I have gone to her more as an adult, but not when I was a kid. And it’s not like I wasn’t teased or picked on or had my feelings hurt by friends in some ways. I just can’t recall confiding in my mom about these things. Maybe I was afraid she would pass judgments on my friends? Or wouldn’t like them anymore? Or would see them differently? And I didn’t want that to happen? But I don’t remember having heart to hearts with her about these things. Which in retrospective, I wish I did. I don’t know why I was so shy, or reluctant? I think she could have provided me some really good wisdom, but for some reason I didn’t feel comfortable speaking to her.

In fact, the more I reflect on this, the more I can feel myself tensing up as a kid if I had to go to my mom with any of these problems. Maybe I didn’t think she would understand? Or maybe I didn’t think she could relate? Or maybe I just felt that she would be too judgmental or opinionated?

Side note: This is making thinking about how I react when people express emotion or are upset – I feel that sometimes my reactions can be sort of cold. I don’t think anyone would construe it that way, because on the outside I feel that I show all the signs of compassion and concern. But hugging someone to comfort them I am recalling does not always come easy for me. At times I almost feel unemotional for that person.

How it made me feeL:

My mom’s response – if I did come to her with this type of problem – would at times make me feel better or at times would just make me feel indifferent.

So one recent example comes to mind – is when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend David (and this was in 2009). I just couldn’t hold back my emotions and my mom was so mad at him for hurting me (or at least she thought he had hurt me) and I remember finding solace in her reaction. It felt like she was truly on my side (for one of the first times when it came to relationships) and it felt good. So even though she was super dramatic and upset – her response was like that because she was so hurt for me and so sad that I was so upset. So that reaction actually made me feel better in the moment. But of course, all I really wanted her to say was “it’s going to be okay, and you’ll meet someone else” – but that she didn’t say. It was more to “what a jerk; how could he waste your time like this?” And maybe that’s why I never truly went to her for help or advice with these personal type of problems -because I never felt that she could truly give me the advice that I needed.

mother’s Reaction

My mother’s reaction would be really upset or angry if I was badly hurt or sad. Her face would tense up and she would be super dramatic and expressive. I feel like she at times may have blown things out of proportion or just gotten so angry – that she would raise her voice. I almost recall from my brother’s experencies – that she may have made comments like “how could you let them take advantage of you? “they’re not good friends” “why would you let that happen?” For some reason, I’m slightly remembering her responding more to my brother than me. But in thinking about this – this doesn’t’ seem like it would have felt like a safe place to go if you are upset or sad. I think I probably needed just comfort and support and someone to say “it’s going to be okay”. And those words I don’t remember really hearing.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I think my reaction was to not really tell her. Or just try to calm her down when she got so dramatic.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. mother’s Response:

My mother’s response would usually be to raise her voice and at times yell to “stop”. If it had to do with my brother, she would lots of times say “your the older sister – you should be giving him a good example” or “stop fighting, you should be friends”. My mother was also pressing on the idea of how much she wanted us to be friends and to have a close relationship, because she didn’t have that type of relationship with her brothers.

How it made me feeL:

I don’t recall having positive responses from these reactions. I guess the positive reaction, is I would stop most likely.

mother and father’s Reaction

My mom’s reaction action was always super dramatic. I can picture one of us doing something or telling her something, and her facial expressions completely changing, and her immediate reaction would be to raise her voice and say something to the effect of “What’s wrong?!” or “What’s wrong with you?”” I don’t recall feeling calm reactions from her in moments of high stress.

My dad’s response was to complete yell and overreact. My dad, while a super passive and chill person, was never good at reacting in high tense situations. His natural reaction would have been to start screaming and telling us to stop. My family in general, were yellers and screamers when we were growing up.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

If I am recalling correctly, I think my reaction may have been to both parents, to start yelling back. We were definitely yellers in our family growing up (including my grandma). Intact, I remember in my teenage years, we would have family meetings and my mom would talk about the way we all react and all yell and how we need to work on changing that (and she would always include herself in those conversations). So it’s interesting, in that my mom knew that her reactions were not always appropriate- but in all honesty, even though we had those meetings, I don’t recall the behaviors changing that much.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mother and father’s Response:

Both my parents response was to comfort me. My dad would probably say something like “don’t be scared..it’s nothing” and would laugh afterwards (in a sweet way). My mom would also react with more of a similar response to the effect of “it’s fine,it’s just a movie”. I’m thinking my dad’s response was a bit more endearing or heartfelt.

How it made me feeL:

It made me feel better for sure. I would say I felt feelings such as “safeness and comfort”. I think it’s also good to point out that they didn’t ignore what I said or didn’t dismiss my feelings. They would always respond to what I was feeling.

mother and father’s Reaction

I really don’t recall any negative reactions to this type of scenario. I feel like they were generally positive. Intact, as I child I was actually really scared. I slept with a night light for many years; my parents told me when I was a baby I would scream if the TV was on (apparently I was scared of the TV) – but they always reacted and responded in comforting and supportive ways. I don’t recall them making me feel dumb or stupid for feeling these feelings of fear.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I reacted positively – based on what I said above.

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mother’s Response:

School and homework was never an issue for me. I was always really good about doing these things. My mom really never had to get on me in regards to school work.

Chores was something that I wasn’t as diligent about. I don’t recall positive responses -it was more like you need to do this now.

How it made me feeL:

Don’t really recall the positive responses

mother’s Reaction

When it came to chores – she would be very firm, and would yell at me at times in regards to not doing what I was suppose to be doing. Or if it wasn’t yelling, she would raise her voice and get on me until I did it.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I found it extremely annoying and frustrating. I wonder if my mom may have approached it in a calmer way, maybe my reaction would have been “okay, let me just to it”. But the yelling I think just turned me off from all of it. And didn’t make me want to do it more – I think it just aggravated and frustrated leif anything.

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. mother’s Response:

This scenario doesn’t really apply to me. I don’t recall ever being in one of these scenarios. For me it was always the opposite – my mom was always very much into appearance – looking presentable. And not in a snobby way. More from the angle, that it’s important to take care of yourself physically. For example: she would always talk to me about my skin and how important it was to take care of it. She would take me to get facials or I would go to the dermatologist if I had acne, etc. I would get regular hair cuts, etc.

How it made me feeL:

I always knew when my mom nagged me about these things that it came from a place of true caring and wanting the best for me. I definitely didn’t appreciate it then, as I do now. I actually see myself picking up on these habits now as an adult.

mother’s Reaction

Using the example I presented above (in regards to physical appearance) – my mother’s reaction at times felt like she was nagging me all the time. She wouldn’t stop. And would keep bringing up the same thing until I actually did something about it.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I would get really annoyed and frustrated – I may argue with her or just say “I know mom. Okay, I know.” The more she nagged me about it, the more annoyed it made me feel. Because when she had a point, she would keep bringing it up over and over again – so eventually you just have to do it.

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. mother and father’s Response:

My parents both would be extremely happy for me. My mother would respond with positive affirmations “that’s so great” “good job” “see what you can do”.

My dad would respond with similar affirmations such as “good job”, etc.

I can picture both of them with this beaming and happy face.

How it made me feeL:

Both of their reactions made me feel great. I always couldn’t wait to come home or call them and tell them about something positive that I got from school. I also knew they would be so happy to hear it and that just made me happy.

mother and father’s Reaction

They really didn’t have any negative reactions to these type of instances.

How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. Father’s Response:

My father’s initial reaction may have been to yell or react in that way, but he would quickly say something like “Yelena, what did you do? Clean it up quickly” and it would be forgotten about as quickly as it happened.

How it made me feeL:

So if something like this happened infront of my dad – I would feel like that’s okay and I wouldn’t be scared at all. My dad is super clumsy and did these things a lot- so that may have also helped in the way I would have reacted.

mother and grandmother’s Reaction

I am including both my mother and grandmother in this because I remember both of their reactions so vividly.

If I would spill or drop/break anything they would immediately react with “How could you do that?” “you are so clumsy” “you need to be more careful.”I felt a sense of disappointment and judgment from them. And it’s something that I have carried with myself over the years, where those same feelings rise up if I find myself in similar situations. I actually recall a couple of years ago -I was with my mom at her home and I spilled or broke something. And I recall immediatly clenching up and expecting a similar reaction. My mom’s response was “It’s okay, let’s clean it up”. I was shocked and I said to her “when i was a kid you never would have said that.” And she said “well i didn’t and shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when you were a kid”

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I would feel really stupid, angry at myself. In some ways, it would make me feel nervous and a bit inadequate.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD Mother joanne’s Response:

I don’t remember ever showing emotions to my mother.

How it made me feeL:

I hid everything

mother joanne’s Reaction

She never knew what was going on she was more worried about herself

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Kept to myself

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. mother joanne’s Response:

Would never allow a reaction like that I would have been slappped

How it made me feeL:

Embarrassed

mother joanne’s Reaction

That is exceptable

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Got quite

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mother Joanne’s Response:

Go back to bed

How it made me feeL:

I was still scared but she wasn’t going to do anything

mother joanne’s Reaction

Went back to sleep

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Sad went to bed

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mother joanne’s Response:

That’s not allowed either you are a child you have no reason to be stressed or sad

How it made me feeL:

I felt like my feelings meant nothing

mother joanne’s Reaction

She would just get mad and threat to slap me

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I was mad

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. mother Joanne’s Response:

You have to wear it

How it made me feeL:

Embarrassed I always did what I was told

mother Joanne’s Reaction

She was always mad

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Withdrawn

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. father Larry’s Response:

Oh that’s good but this is how I did it

How it made me feeL:

I was never good enough

father Larry’s Reaction

Just about himself. Self absorbed

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I’m never enough

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. mother Joanne’s Response:

She would yell

How it made me feeL:

Like i had done the worse thing ever

mother Joanne’s Reaction

Made me go to my room

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I was mad and sad

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD Mom’s Response:

Probed and asked and guessed until I told her why I was upset, that I was worried Shari Rice and I weren’t friends anymore.

When I burst into tears and asked if I should not see Dad anymore because maybe I wouldn’t miss him so much. She let me have candy and sat on the bed with me, stopped doing what she was doing. Called Dad to have him talk to me. I don’t remember what Dad said on the phone.

How it made me feeL:

Relieved

Cared for by Mom.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction

I think she gave me advice on what to say to Shari. Probably gave me some ice cream.

Hearing her talk angrily to Dad on phone before handing it over to me.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Don’t remember.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. Mom’s Response: How it made me feeL: Mom’s Reaction

I refused to go to the baseball game. We fought and fought, finally she gave in and said OK that I could stay home by myself. Everyone else went to the game.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I called her to tell her garage was open. Hoping to apologize, but I didn’t bring myself to do it. I felt terrible.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction

The ember popped out of the fireplace and burned a hole in the carpet. Mom cried, no one would ever buy the house now.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

It scared me to see her break down.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD Mom’s Response:

here is a response!

How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD parent’s Response:

probably a non-response. There was not a lot of emotions or feelings embraced. There were hugs but infrequently. Probably when I cried.

How it made me feeL:

I knew I was loved but it wasn’t a very demonstrative show of affection in our family.

parent’s Reaction

No recollection

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I got over it, whatever was the cause for tears.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. parent’s Response:

I wanted maple bars (every trip to the grocery store). There was negotiation on my part and a reality check on my parents’ part. We weren’t a family that really raised our voices or argued.

How it made me feeL:

I knew I was loved and they wanted to give me anything I wanted, but there were resource constraints.

parent’s Reaction

Calm reality check discussions.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I got over it and asked again the next time.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. parent’s Response:

“Think happy thoughts”

How it made me feeL:

I was listened to; knew I was loved but (again, common theme) there wasn’t a lot of emotions displayed.

parent’s Reaction

calm statement of reality

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I got through it and avoided scary movies (The Birds). In general I wasn’t afraid of too many things.

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE parent’s Response:

Some discussion on do it anyway. (Example being Saturday cleaning chores.)

How it made me feeL:

Part of a team/family. Responsibilities shared.

parent’s Reaction

Do it.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Did it with some grumbling. Occasionally would try to do a less than optimal job to get out of it in the future, but that was not a highly successful strategy.

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. parent’s Response:

stop

How it made me feeL:

Listened to, but bad behavior not tolerated

parent’s Reaction

Some discussion then limited patience if the crying didn’t stop. This would be highly infrequent.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I stopped

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. parent’s Response:

praise

How it made me feeL:

Proud

parent’s Reaction

happy / proud / congratulations

How I reacted to my caregiver:

took it all in then moved on – not a limelight person

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. parent’s Response:

Probably irritation at first, then just deal with the clean up

How it made me feeL:

Loved anyway.

parent’s Reaction

Accidents happen. Clean it up and move on.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I cleaned up the mess and we moved on

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD ‘s Response: How it made me feeL: mother and father’s Reaction

Words cannot hurt you. “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you”.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I can only remember being sad.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response:

I was given stuffed animals to sleep with. I had so many it was hard to see the bed.

How it made me feeL:

like I could bury my fears if I just tried harder.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction

“I’ll give you something to cry about.” Then, if I didn’t immediately stop I would be hit with a strap.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

With disdain and distrust.

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response: How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD dad’s Response:

no crying

How it made me feeL:

don’t remember anything positive

mom’s Reaction

she suggested that I be nicer to them

How I reacted to my caregiver:

don’t remember

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. dad’s Response:

shut up

How it made me feeL:

don’t remember anything positive

mom’s Reaction

figure it out yourselves

How I reacted to my caregiver:

don’t remember

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. dad’s Response:

don’t remember showing fear to my dad

How it made me feeL:

don’t remember

mom’s Reaction

she let me sleep with her

How I reacted to my caregiver:

don’t remember

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE dad’s Response:

get off your lazy ass

How it made me feeL:

don’t remember feeling anything positive

mom’s Reaction

wait until your father gets home

How I reacted to my caregiver:

silence

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. mom’s Response:

do it anyway

How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. dad’s Response:

nothing

How it made me feeL: mom’s Reaction

nothing

How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. dad’s Response:

stupid idiot

How it made me feeL: mom’s Reaction

exasperation

How I reacted to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD Mom’s Response:

I don’t really remember. I remember being more focused on her sadness. she observed.

How it made me feeL: Dad’s Reaction

hew would say stuff like “ignoramus non carborundorum’ which is latin for ‘Don’t let the idiots grind you down’ and he would tell me to trust my gut. The theme was generally that I was better than they were and that I should remember that…more creative, smarter, less ‘surfacy’, etc.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

It made me feel better I think, tho my memory is more like being a little ‘supportively lectured at’ and instructed to remember my own (high) worth than being soothed.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. Mom’s Response:

Often this was probably irritation towards my brother, so she would intervene, and usually he would be the one who would get in trouble because that was the pattern.

Once, and only once, when I was a teenager, she slapped me across the face, which I’ve never forgotten. I was being super bratty though, and telling her to go to hell and other shitty stuff.

i generally wasn’t ‘reacted to.’ more observed.

How it made me feeL:

I don’t really remember how this made me feel either. big blank spot with respect to my mom!!

Dad’s Reaction

i think i was careful not to get too loud around him, or bring him into this kind of stuff. This was more the domain of mom I think. Dad was always busy or working in his studio or whatever.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

this is a blank.

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mom’s Response:

not a lot of memories here…i do remember once lying in bed at night and sort of plotting how to go upstairs where they were watching tv to get their attention. She was irritated that I showed up out of bed.

How it made me feeL:

like I did something wrong.

dad’s Reaction

i think he generally leaned towards ‘you’re great you can handle anything’ as a response to most things.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

don’t remember examples of this with him.

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mom’s Response:

If I was trying to get out of going to school, she would really push me, or make me come with her to her volunteer work at a crisis phone line if I really insisted.

They had a thing of ‘counting to three’ and then sending us to our rooms, or possibly taking away tv privileges.

How it made me feeL:

like I was lying (which often I was about feeling sick) and like a burden. Ironic given she was dragging me to a women’s crisis hotline center.

the 1-2-3 thing or losing tv would make me feel angry and resentful.

dad’s Reaction

he would cave on the ‘too sick to go to school’ stuff.

with other stuff like homework or chores, he wasn’t really involved all that much unless my mom reached a breaking point. Then he would intervene with the 1-2-3 stuff.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

with missing school, i felt a high when it worked and then guilty.

with the other stuff, I think I felt scared a bit and also guilty and just generally bad…like i was seriously disappointing him.

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. mom’s Response:

i think she would get frustrated. not sure.

How it made me feeL:

more upset.

dad’s Reaction

i have a blank here. not sure he was involved in this kind of stuff.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

blank

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. mom’s Response:

very proud and congratulatory.

How it made me feeL:

very good. high.

dad’s Reaction

very good and congratulatory

How I reacted to my caregiver:

again, it gave me a high.

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. mom’s Response:

I accidentally recorded over a non-replaceable recording of my grandfather talking. She was devastated and angry.

How it made me feeL:

terrible, guilty, shamed, like I did it on purpose or something.

dad’s Reaction

I think there were actually a bunch of these and I don’t remember specifics. He would get really angry.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

scared, ashamed, EXTREMELY disappointing to him, like it undid all the good stuff he told me when I did good things, and like it was almost a different person he was showing me.

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD mother’s Response:

Ignored or I would not show sadness because it would not be responded to

How it made me feeL:

This was not positive

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction

I was ignored

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I went away and was sad by myself

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. mother’s Response:

Snarl – scream at me to be quiet

How it made me feeL:

Shamed and worthless

mother’s Reaction

Indifference

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Went away to be by myself

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mother and father’s Response:

Deal with it.

How it made me feeL:

Alone and frightened

mother and father’s Reaction

Indifferent

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Sad

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mother’s Response:

Banished to The Chair to be “grounded” for long periods of time

How it made me feeL:

Ashamed and worthless

mother’s Reaction

Indifferent

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Sad

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response:

I would never do that or I would get beaten.

How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. mother’s Response:

I honestly don’t remember any positive feelings from early childhood.

How it made me feeL: Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. mother’s Response:

SCREAMED at, perhaps physically punished. Likely banished to my room.

How it made me feeL:

Horrible, ashamed, worthless

mother’s Reaction

Indifference

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Sad, always sad

1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD mother’s’s Response:

Don’t be melodramatic. Go clean your room.

How it made me feeL:

Confused and diminished.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. father’s Response:

Hit me.

How it made me feeL:

Frightened.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mother’s Response:

Go back to bed.

How it made me feeL:

Like my feelings weren’t valid.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver:

Went to bed.

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mother’s Response:

Get up now.

How it made me feeL:

Misunderstood.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. mother’s Response:

Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.

How it made me feeL:

Afraid.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. mother’s Response:

That’s so nice!

How it made me feeL:

Happy

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. mother’s Response:

Clean it up.

How it made me feeL:

Ok. Generally her reactions were non-emotive.

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction How I reacted to my caregiver: 1. I CRIED—SHOWING SADNESS—BECAUSE I WAS TEASED,OR MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME SAD mom’s Response:

She could show empathy.

How it made me feeL:

I felt comforted.

mom’s’s Reaction

She could also tell me to be strong and to buck up, that it is not so bad. To try and forget about it
or
She would have the attitude of “the hell with them – they are no good anyway”.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Neither of these responses validated my feelings or that they were worthy of discussion or exploration. Saying that the others were “no good, or didn’t know what they were talking about” was hollow and without basis.
I would withdraw and stop talking about it
I felt sad and not heard.

2. I RAISED MY VOICE—SHOWING ANGER—BECAUSE MY SIBLING OR FRIEND TOOK MY TOY, MY CAREGIVER WOULDN’T BUY ME SOMETHING, I REALLY WANTED CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM AND ALL THEY HAD WAS STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME ANGRY. Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Response:

I rarely raised my voice – it wasn’t something that I felt would not be tolerated.

How it made me feeL: Dad’s Reaction

One time I was angry because I didn’t want to get my hair cut. My dad slapped me.

Later in life I got angry at my mom. She deflected it and would not “own” that she might have done something that could have angered me. She was flip and would not “allow” me the anger that I deserved. She was very defensive and would throw it back on me. sometimes she would get angry back at me.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

With my dad – I felt humiliated, dis-empowered and without a voice.

With my mom – I felt powerless.

I would not talk any further about it

3. I SHOWED FEAR ABOUT THE DARK, BECAME FRIGHTENED BECAUSE OF A SCARY STORY I HEARD OR SOMETHING I SAW ON TV OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME AFRAID. mom’s Response:

She was pretty good at this. she would hold me or open the closet door to prove there was nothing frightening in there

How it made me feeL:

It made me feel secure.

mom’s Reaction

Sometimes she would poo – poo the fear.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I would still be scared and I would feel ashamed.

4. I FELT TIRED OR LOW-ENERGY AND WOULD NOT GET UP FOR SCHOOL, DO MY HOMEWORK, DO MY CHORES, OR SOMETHING ELSE mom’s Response:

I don’t really remember much around this. I am not sure she asked much from me around the house. I was self- motivated with school work and she had no idea what I was doing there.

How it made me feeL: mom’s Reaction

I think she would just do the chores around me.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

Perhaps I felt entitled

5. I CRIED WHEN MY CAREGIVER SAID I WAS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED BABY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR SECOND HAND CLOTHES, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR BRUSHED BECAUSE OF TANGLES OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME CRY. ‘s Response:

I don’t remember much around this either. I think crying – except for sadness, was really an option. I think we were expected to be strong.

How it made me feeL: Mom’s Reaction

I expect that my mother’s reactions was to just “Get over it”.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I would have felt not seen or heard.

6. I WAS PROUD AND HAPPY ABOUT BRINGING HOME HIGH GRADES, GETTING AN AWARD, SCORING THE WINNING RUN OR SOMETHING ELSE MADE ME HAPPY. mom’s Response:

Interesting. My accomplishments were kind of expected. I don’t think I ever got very excited over them. I was probably matter-of-fact and under- emphasized them.

How it made me feeL:

My parents are actually quite proud of me (particularly in my adult life). I think growing up they had too much on their hands (for good reason) and I was the “easy” kid.

parent’s’s Reaction

My accomplishments were expected and somewhat ignored.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

I don’t celebrate myself and my achievements.

7. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE SOMETHING, SPILLED MY MILK OR I DID SOMETHING ELSE ON ACCIDENT. mom’s Response:

My mom was pretty matter-of-fact about this. I don’t remember being ashamed about breaking something or wetting my bed or whatever.

How it made me feeL:

It made me feel like mistakes happen and it is just part of life

Fill in your caregiver’s name’s Reaction

Sometimes she was alittle tired and acted put-out.

How I reacted to my caregiver:

When this happened I felt like I was a nuisance.
I would feel badly and try to help

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THE SEVEN STEPS TO LOVE