You wake up grumpy in the morning and can’t talk without your coffee, yet he understands and loves the grumpy you. Even though you get anxious and fret about your family get-togethers, he is there to support you and run interference because he knows your family is a little crazy. Now that’s long-lasting love.
So how do you find this kind of love? We know from the last blog post (Beware of Instant Attraction) that instant attraction and fairy-tale ‘love at first sight’ isn’t a reliable way to find it. The way that works to have a relationship plan, screen the men you date really well and slow down the dating process so you know he’s the one who loves the perfectly imperfect you—the grumpy you and the anxious you!
Here’s that special relationship glue that holds couples together:
- You can be your true authentic self—the perfectly imperfect you—and he loves you for it.
- You share life values and purpose—whether it’s living with two kids and a white picket fence or living in tents in South America to save the rain forest.
- You share emotional and physical intimacy (not just sex). You’re both there to share the good stuff, and the other stuff that life hands us, such as feeling sad, worried and scared.
- You openly and honestly communicate. You can say to him, “Honey, would you mind not looking at your phone while I tell you this story because it’s important to me.” He stops, puts his phone down and listens to you and respects your need.
- You’re intellectually compatible—equals who continue to push each other to be your best selves.
I know these things don’t necessary seem sexy, but trust me, they really are! Imagine feeling fulfilled and loved each and every day by an amazing partner who accepts you just the way you are? Come on women, admit it—that’s sexy!
So you’re saying to yourself, “Easy enough. I’ll just ask him these questions on the first date and bam!—I’ll know I’ve found the love of my life.” Sorry, it’s not that easy.
Here’s the deal: this relationship glue takes time to form. There are qualities about your relationship and about him that take time to reveal themselves. There is no way you can know he has the right qualities the first time you meet him, or even by the fourth date. Sure, you could ask him and he might have some great responses, but you need to see it in action and know it’s sustainable and consistent over the long run. It’s about living life and dating someone while revealing your perfectly imperfect selves to each other and knowing that you can unconditionally love everything.
Time is how you know. It takes months—not minutes or hours—to allow trust to develop and reveal your true selves. Then you’ll know if and when the glue has set!
With my DateWise program you will learn how to create your love relationship plan, screen the men you date, learn to ask for what you want and need, and most importantly how to slow down the dating process to know if he’s the one.